Ed hunter: The Deal Vinci Code (Part Two)

It was pointed out to me after the deal Vinci code part one that it’s not just in our offices that we have to decipher code.

And you know what… you’re right it’s everywhere! In emails, online, in faxes… Ok maybe not through fax anymore.

So here is The Deal Vinci code Part Two.

LinkedIn:

1) What they say: “Interested – Please review my profile”

What they mean: “Once you get over the fact I am not qualified for this job in anyway shape or form – you then have to deal with the fact I need flights, sponsorship and training. I expect you to reply to my in depth ‘application-by-comment’ with at least an email request for my CV or I will write an article about how bad recruiters are which both of my connections will read”

2) What they say: “Only geniuses can work this out”

What they mean: “Hey you…. Yeah you the sheep looking guy – everyone else is proving how smart they are by commenting on my click bait post – if you don’t comment your network will assume you’re stupid and you’ll lose sales. You better write the answer even though you know it’s barely an 11+ question”

3) What they say: “Recruiters are all uneducated second hand car salesmen with no business nous and would never survive in a ‘real’ job”

What they mean: “You thought lemons were bitter… You clearly haven’t met me yet – my CV is awful and I haven’t had a job in 3 years… I’ve tried being rude and aggressive on the phone and by email with recruiters in my industry but that hasn’t worked. So I’m taking it public on any recruitment related post I can find on LinkedIn!!”

“Just because no one would ever pay a fee for me doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try – and the fact that clients won’t hire me directly has no impact on how good I am – it’s all recruitment’s fault” 

Albert Einstein

Glassdoor

Yep that’s right when you’re researching your next potential employer on the worlds biggest employer review site you have even more code to decipher!

1) What they say: “The targets are reasonable and you never feel under pressure”

What they mean: “The targets are next to impossible. I’d have more chance getting off with Megan Fox than I have of hitting this target – I’m only writing this in the hope it might go in my favour when I miss my own target this quarter.”

2) What they say: “The management are supportive and always available to give advice”

What they mean: “The last advice I got was “get back on the phone.” If I’m ever looking for genuine advice I’ll have to go down to the pub to find my manager.”

3) What they say: “I loved my time working at this company, the commission structure is the best in the industry, and they have a great team. If you work hard you’re rewarded above and beyond anyone I’ve worked for previously. It’s not a 9-5 however and will require hard work”

What they mean: “Hi, I’m the director for this business posing as an ex-employee. But then you knew that. I asked my office manager to write this but they couldn’t grasp ‘copy and paste’. You can put as many negative reviews on here as you like but I’ll simply keep logging on and getting positive reviews to the top. Good luck!”

Ed and Megan Fox

CVs

1) What they say: “I was top of my class in multiple subjects and graduated with honours from Oxford University.”

What they mean: “I barely scraped my GCSE’s and let’s be honest you’re never gonna check my academic record!”

2) What they say: “Achieved 110% of target for first 3 months”

What they mean: “I wasn’t given an official target for first 3 months”

3) What they say: “Supervised and trained junior members of staff” 

What they mean: “I once asked an intern to get me a coffee when the manager was away. He ignored me and made me look like an idiot in front of the team. So I locked him in a cupboard. But I really want to be a manager”

Ed Oxford grad

What have we learned here? Tell the truth! There’s less to remember!

Ed