“Wow?! Another recruiter… let me guess… ‘you’re not as bad as the others?’ What d’you want? A gold star?”
That’s word for word what someone said to me the other day. The inevitable conversation (“So what do you do then?”) reared its ugly head.
The angry young gentleman in question snapped his head round like an owl on speed and couldn’t tell me quickly enough why he hated recruiters.
“What do you do pal?” I politely enquired…
“I’m actually looking for something at the moment, but I’ll probably end up back trading in the city…” he smirked wryly expecting fizzy knickers from his adoring harem.
A quick check of LinkedIn and I find out his old man works for a Bank. He did a 6 month internship whilst at Uni, which is still on his profile.
LinkedIn also tells me he got a 3rd in Wood Tech from Plymouth. Clever lad.
I smiled and offered him a beer. His response confounded my opinion…
But like most of my ‘real life encounters’ it gave me a good idea for an article.
So without further ado, here’s Ed Hunter’s Recruitment Office Star Chart.
The rules are simple.
You get one gold star for one bit of good news.
Much like Year 3 Primary. Only with fewer tangible rewards and far more shame.
Everyone gets stressed.
If you’ve managed one day without getting teary over office bants or an angry email, you deserve to be rewarded.
Print off a gold star and stick it on the chart.
If you can make it through the week without further sniffles you’re on the path to early retirement.
Mainly from the ticking time bomb of suppressing of harrowing memories.
Sure it’ll probably manifest itself as a heart attack on your 52nd birthday but at least no one’s taking the shine off your star.
Look how shiny it is.
If you can drag your sorry arse to work every single day without being late once, you really deserve this star. The temptation to ‘miss’ a turning can be overpowering. Especially when you check your emails before starting the journey.
So here’s a star. You deserve it.
Along with the collective appreciation/disdain of your colleagues.
Yes, they’re impressed. But if you’re on time, it looks bad on them.
It’s easy to threaten physical violence by 9am when you work with idiots.
What’s harder is keeping your cool. Or limiting your assaults to surprise guerrilla attacks, like hiding in the fridge or shooting past on a high-velocity office chair.
If you’ve managed to do just that and not beckon the onslaught of an office block, with the harsh whip of your tongue, have one star.
Take it out on a commuter at the end of the day. They probably deserve it.
Influencers beware… there’s a young, gun-slinger waiting in the wings to take your place.
They’re a real hot shot.
And have more more stars in their eyes than Matthew Kelly after a punch up.
In the grand scheme of things, ‘likes’ won’t bring home the bacon. But if you can produce anything on LinkedIn which doesn’t make your audience weep, you’re doing great.
You’ll be the next Ed Hunter in no time.
(No agencies please)
Resourcers come and go like the changing of the wind, and honestly, you’re forgiven for never learning their names.
I mean, why would you bother?!
That said, doing so will unlock a level of office harmony you might not have considered.
They do some work in a day?
Or better yet, not gob in your morning coffee? The resentment and pity they stir it with currently never tasted so sweet.
What a dream.
I absolutely guarantee, be it mentally or in a hushed scathing murmur under your breath, you’ll tell your boss to ‘kindly go away’ at least once a day.
If you’ve not done so vocally today, much kudos to you.
Have one star for the board.
Your parents will be so proud.
No one, and I do mean this… NO ONE cares about your thoughts on an email being circulated round the office.
If it was a democratic system, you’d be in with a shot.
It’s not though is it?
If you’ve resisted the temptation to believe it does this week, get your gold polish out!
You’ll be drowning in stars if you carry on like this.
There’s a small chance I’ll start a line of these star charts and send them out.
Or at the very least a few stars awarded to LinkedIn idiots at random.
Wanna play the game yourself?
Share this article on LinkedIn and tag someone you think deserves a shiny gold star. The more arbitrary the achievement, the higher the reward. Kinda like endorsements, but better.
Candidate Manager - Consulting Projects at Freshminds
Recruitment Consultant - Property & Construction at Blayze Group
Recruiters looking to move into search at Carisbrook Partners