We’re almost constantly on the brink of something that’s going to wipe us out. The beauty of the modern world is we don’t know which thing it’ll be.
Could be the earth suddenly catching fire.
Could be a pandemic.
Could be Trump forgetting what the shiny red button does.
Or even worse, remembering.
The office is a no go. The tubes don’t run. Packs of wild dogs ravage the arms from TM Lewin slim-fits, left abandoned on street corners.
But hey, just ’cause the world’s about to implode, doesn’t mean your recruitment career should.
Here’s how to survive the tide.
Always start with a joke.
Obviously I’m jesting here, cause your boss would rather swallow a headset, than let you work from home.
“Why…?!” You ask yourself at 3am in a cold sweat, dreading the horrors awaiting you outside…
Because they don’t trust you mate. That’s why.
So you’re gonna have to carry on going to the office, pandemic or no pandemic.
Believe it or not, your cute, fluffy, adorable office dog spends 40% of the time licking his own bollocks, and 35% licking his arse, mmmm…
If one of the things he also licks is your face, you probably haven’t got long left.
But here’s a handy tip… stop letting him.
Wow, look at that, we’re learning.
It’s got glass walls and should fit everyone in.
OK, not everyone. But all the decent ones.
Task the underlings with 300 calls by lunch or they’re not allowed in.
Of course, they’re never coming in, but they don’t know that. And it’ll take them a while to work out, given they’ll never hit 300 calls by lunch.
I know… you barely meet anyone as it is. But now you can stop altogether.
Of course, that does mean your phone times will have to improve.
Oh and video calls are now going to be a KPI. Which means your dress down privilege has been revoked. Luckily, only from the waist up.
When it boils down to it, people are very overrated.
Would an army of cats go for drinks without you? No.
Would they steal your partner, while you work late? NO!
Would they accept a counter offer? Well, yeah probably. If the other person’s got treats.
But hey, with an army of cats your grieving family won’t have to fork out for a funeral, should the worst happen.
Is anyone going to eat a sandwich with Ebola written on it?
Would you eat a savoury snack with BIRD FLU written in permanent black marker?
Stolen lunches will be a thing of the past, and you’ll know for sure you’re not eating a contaminated diet. Keeping your strength up to fight those diseases.
You guys give up?
Graduate Recruitment Consultant at Austin Fraser & Austin Vita
Senior Consultants across Digital, Marketing, Tech at Reuben Sinclair
Financial Technology Recruiter at Summit Search Group Limited
Principal Consultant - Finance at Ernest Hunter Green
Technology Senior / Managing Consultant Germany at Twenty Group