I’ve said it a thousand times, I’ll say it again… a good recruiter can recruit from anywhere. Yet, working from home seems to be an alien concept for a lot of recruitment agencies.

“It’s foolishness and fluff designed to weaken the workforce.”

Not long ago, if you asked to WFH you needed a DAMN good reason.

Something like your leg falling off. Or the death of a third Gran, inside a month… sadly, death has no PSL.

Not long ago, working from home was a nice perk. Now Management are begging you to consider it so the business doesn’t go under.

Funny old world isn’t it?

Anyway, if you’re looking at life in solitary, or are about to leave a business for health reasons… here’s a handy guide to your new life w**king from home.

Tip 1: Morning routine

It’s important to let management know you’re still conscientious, even though you’re not in the office.

To set this impression seamlessly, set your alarm for 05:00 am and email ‘all@______’

Set your tone to ‘annoyance’ and moan about your colleagues’ inactivity. Meanwhile, open the database and fabricate a BD call with someone in a different timezone.

Once you’ve sent the first email, send another (with delayed delivery for 1.5 hours) saying “Polite nudge on this guys.”

Then drift slowly back to sleep safe in the knowledge you’re smashing it.

Tip 2: Expand your world view

If you’re not surfing the tube every morning, smiling whimsically as you inhale an orchestra of body odours… you’re going to need another source of morning cheer.

Maybe surfing the web would do it?

It’s important to widen your choice of media though. Otherwise your world view will become as bitter and twisted as your Head of Accounts Payable.

And yes I know PornHub’s your favourite, but other websites do exist.

LinkedIn, whilst good for work, will drive you mad the second day it’s your only source of human interaction.

Tip 3: Turn to the elements

Let’s think about this for a minute. There’s an airborne virus coming for you and everyone you love. You’re a sitting target at home and are contemplating selling your body for a bit of soap. If only it was worth enough.

You’ve no toilet roll and dodgy internet.

What’s going to keep the inflicted away and stop your solid 5/10 looks being ravaged?

Fire.

You’ve got all that petrol in the car, and plenty of kindling to keep the flame alive until the apocalypse.

Think laterally on that front… the kids’ stuffed toys… your signed employment contract promising death in service benefits… whatever.

Tip 4: Start tweeting

It’s going to be a hard task replacing all the hatred and abuse you get from friends and colleagues everyday, but let’s damn well try anyway.

To feel like your normal self when home alone, just send out a quick tweet. Don’t put much thought into it, just something honest and personal.

Then watch as your entire existence is put to the sword.

The general rule of twitter for new joiners:

“Everything’s shit and should be ridiculed.”

Just like being in the office.

Tip 5: Build a torture dungeon in the basement

This isn’t for anything weird, before your mind hits the gutter… only, imagine the sycophantic maniac you’ll become when your colleagues can’t sabotage your career every day.

You’ll be happy the moment you wake up. Content with your own presence. Just bumbling along in life, joyous and free.

Doesn’t bear thinking about.

Best get ahead of the game and take yourself down a peg or two.

Also, if you get stuck in a device of your own making, you’ve got the perfect excuse for a day off.

‘I’m a little tied up at the moment, boss’

Tip 6: Keep up appearances

With many recruiters retreating from public life, you’ll stand out by being open to meetings.

But as travel will be difficult it makes sense to explore your local network and win business that way.

Branch out in smaller circles and you’ll find business in the strangest of places.

Are there potential clients at your local sex fetish club? I’d expect AA meetings to contain a high proportion of .Net Developers.

And by its very nature, you never know who you’ll meet at Fight Club.

Explore the local chapter of society’s underbelly and watch your career soar.

Tip 7: Film everything

I genuinely believe we’re not that far away from people filming their bowel movements for LinkedIn and tenuously linking to their career.

So know this going in, whatever you film doesn’t have to be worth watching. Just press record and go about your day.

By doing so, you’ll do two things.

1) Prove to the powers that be you are, in fact, working and not w…. well anything else.

2) Win Most Socially Engaged at the LinkedIn Awards come December.

Win win.

Obviously, this period of isolation may only last a few weeks.

So remember to do enough work to avoid a catastrophe back in the office.

If you’re one of the unlucky ones not allowed to WFH, there’s help available.

March 12, 2020 by Ed Hunter