Ed Hunter’s Guide to being a Scumbag

They say Recruiters are bad. We’re not, by and large. But people say we are. I think we’re just misunderstood. In comparison to a lot of people I meet on my travels we don’t even scratch the surface of bad. I refuse to tar any profession with one brush, but there are some proper scumbags out there.

Now, it’s getting towards the end of the year.

I’m sure everyone reading this has worked their arses off for the last 12 months. And so I’ve been thinking of ways you can make life easier for yourself. Or, just more enjoyable. After all if you can’t enjoy yourself at Christmas, when can you?

So, in homage to someone I had the displeasure of meeting earlier this week, if you do want to be a scumbag, or simply ease pressure outside the office… this is how you do it.


1) Baby on board

Pin a ‘baby on board’ badge to your jacket for extra comfort on tubes, trains and buses. If you’re male this really sticks two fingers up to other passengers. But watch how many people question it.

2) Hassle free parking

Buy a disabled badge from the dark web to make parking nightmares a thing of the past. You’ll cut down on time spent grabbing lunch and even have ramp access in case you decide to go for three courses.

3) Blind optimism

Wear shades, carry a white stick and put a yellow jacket on your dog. The rough and tumble of early morning bus queues will be a forgotten memory and the general public will give you all the space you need on high streets.

4) Free queue jump

Queues for rollercoasters, water slides and city attractions can be cut completely with the quiet insinuation of a sick child. Could be a cold. Could be something worse. Either way, no one’s going to ask.

5) Tired? Sit down

“Please offer me a seat” badges don’t have to be for a reason and can be knocked up with ease at home. All you need is some sticky black plastic, a safety pin and white marker. Then watch in glee as polite, elderly gentlemen fight to get to their feet for you.

6) Unnecessary baggage

Pretending to struggle with bags will see the polite general public step in. Then chillax as you walk up stairs in comfort. Unladen. Care-free.

7) Business class

Taking crutches or walking with an exaggerated limp on overseas business meetings adds a certain je ne sais quois. Think: extra leg room. Motorised carts to the gate. No taxi queues.

8) Peace and quiet

See someone running for the same lift as you? Press the Door Close |><| button. Finally, a bit of peace and quiet before the day starts. Mumbling “oh no, how do I…” will mean you can do this even if it’s your boss. If it’s the same person twice, just change the phrase or look at your phone. Aannnnnnd relax.

9) Get exclusive 

Found a unicorn? Keeping their CV in your top drawer’s an old favourite. But reporting their LinkedIn profile will leave them in constant offline status while they struggle to find a contact number for the LinkedIn help desk. Then, simply erase their details from your database and send their CV through Outlook.

10) Resource solutions

Not a fan of your new subordinate? Vodka’s a good shout. And Whiskey. And anything else they’re unable to handle on a Tuesday morning. Simply offer them a coffee and add a shot. They’ll be out your hair in no time. To speed things up, suggest the other new Resourcer’s been talking behind their back.

11) Bloody reports

A company rival leaving their computer unlocked when they go to the toilet means they’re rife for a stitch up. You could email the office hotty. That’d be funny. Bit amateur though. Start looking at risqué websites. See how many you can flick through in a short amount of time. Then, simply report them to the IT Manager. They’ll be escorted off the premises and you’ll have a new patch of clients to target.

12) Meeting the company standard

You can make up any email address you want on carriers like Gmail or Hotmail. So, use the name of your top client. Email yourself, from them. Marked as urgent. Titled something like ‘PSL Review’. Make it a weekly Wednesday thing and finally you’ll get some work life balance.

13) Taking an interest

Sucking up to Management’s bound to get you noticed. But what’ll really impress them is uncovering every mistake your colleagues make. Fake sick days. Fake meetings. Reasons they could be in the office. They’re all gold. All valuable. Why not keep a little diary of how many times they’ve been late this week? OR pair your phones on ‘Find My Phone’. You’ll shoot to the top without any fundamental success.

14) What an experience

Those less experienced than you need to know where they stand. Because they’re simply not reminded enough in recruitment. Tell them. Print off a Top Biller plaque for your desk. Maybe look into getting a bumper sticker? Ask them how much they’ve billed whenever they pipe up.

15) LOL

Laugh Out Loud’s obviously a thing now. But it shouldn’t just be a phrase. The louder your laugh, the more successful you are. Ideally, pick a moment when the lesser bods are on an important call. Stand over them. If they put the phone down because they can’t hear, ask them why they’re not on the phone. Again, LOUDLY.

16) Swear by it

Most people swear in the office. It’s one of those unavoidable parts of working in recruitment. But a lot of the time clients or candidates won’t hear. You can change this by walking around on your wireless headset and standing over more junior colleagues. Make your expletives so coarse none of their network will want to work with them. Then watch as you make top biller. Again.

17) Smells fishy

The protein from tuna’s well documented and really helps your gains. Getting an early gym sesh in will leave you just enough time to cook fish in the microwave. After you’re done, leave the door ajar, change into your work clothes and spray deodorant as sporadically as possible. Mmmmm what a nice musky mix.

18) Safe bet

Everyone likes a bet. But you can really spice things up by betting which of your colleagues will be sacked first. Newbies expect this. Experienced consultants won’t. And if they’re struggling right now, it might be the shot in the arm they need. Every time a deal falls through just shout to your fellow gambler… “Ooohh KERCHING! Wink Wink”

19) Power play

Most computers and phone lines are controlled by a main server or socket. Wait until it’s a key moment in negotiation and accidentally pull the plug. The hassle of competition will be a hassle no more.

20) Music to your ears

Office music can be great and pleasing to all. It creates buzz and makes work more enjoyable. But if you don’t like what’s on it’s a drag. Remain in permanent control by taking your own portable speaker for your desk. Then it’s Garage Nation from 8am-8pm with a bit of Drum and Bass for lunch. Tasty.

21) Nailed it

Clipping toe nails is one of those tasks you can do on the phone. Don’t worry about clearing up the remnants, the cleaner’s in every night anyway.

22) Re-direct

Setting a rule on your least favourite colleague’s email will mean all correspondence from the boss goes straight to the trash. Just like their career while you make hay.


 

There are plenty more than this, but if you nail at least half of these you’ll be well on your way to some much needed downtime. Just in time for Christmas.

Keep it real folks.

Ed