Ed Hunter: Your Real Recruitment Horoscope

As all keen astrologists will tell you, there are forces which govern the world around us that are hard to explain.

Last week I spoke about one of these forces.

Luck.

That article’s here in case you missed it.

Today though, I’d like to talk about another one.

The astrology chart.

Star signs.

The earth’s position in relative harmony or discord to the other planets in our solar system, and how the changing of those positions will affect your life, depending on the time and situation you were brought into this world…

I know, sounds whimsical doesn’t it.

But it’s true.

I honestly didn’t believe this stuff either at first.

But then I found out how closely aligned to real life the predictions are.

Let’s look now, at your recruitment horoscope…

Leo (July 22 – August 23)

The week kicks off with an influx of potential.

The sun and Venus move into your sign, meaning candidates might stop lying about dead relatives.

Consider buying a new suit at the beginning of August, after the new moon, to hide your gradual decline into winter obesity.

As your solar return comes near, remember this is the beginning of a new chapter.

Venus in Leo is a perfect time to forget the shit show of your yearly performance to date and finally put some money on the board.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

As more planets move into Leo, you’re starting to realise that, in reality, no one in the office likes you.

Leo season is about self care and understanding the constant criticism from your parents might actually be spot on.

Because you’re likely to be on your own a lot this month, think about taking up hobbies which play to those strengths.

Hitting a tennis ball up against a wall, knitting or even alcoholism are all great options, where you don’t need friends.

If life gets too much, just get a cat.

Ed Hunter Diving Swimming Pool

Libra (September 22 – October 23)

Try not to be preoccupied with repairing your terrible reputation on LinkedIn. If in doubt, make up a post about hiring a homeless person.

This week, for once, try to think about someone other than yourself.

Your planetary ruler Venus, the planet of love and money, meets with retrograde Mercury on Wednesday, the perfect time to fabricate a placement and hope no one notices before you leave for the company holiday incentive.

Forgiveness is available.

But only if you can get your head out of your arse long enough to hear it.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 22)

Last week’s eclipses found you questioning the point of your existence. And it’s a fair question.

Now you’ve found the answer to that quest (“There is no point”) it’s time to fade into insignificance by moving internal.

Long nights mindlessly completing KPIs pay off, as your planetary ruler Mars connects with lucky Jupiter, helping to keep your job, as the end of the month nears.

Sagittarius (November 21 – December 21)

It’s been a month of drop outs and you’ve only cried twice. Sadly, this is set to continue.

Mercury continues to find you working through the slow realisation you’re just not good enough.

The Sales Board seems to be swallowing you whole, and there’s no sight of your next placement.

Midway through the month shows signs of a change in fortunes.

It won’t happen.

But there are signs…

Leo season means travelling for a Sagittarius.

You can do that mentally, out the window as your career and life fades; or physically, as a hand on the shoulder delivers a timely P45.

Capricorn (December 21 – January 19)

The pressure that Cancer season put on your relationships has finally eased up, but it’s too late. You’ve ruined everything.

The planet of love, Venus helps you to smooth relations with people you’ve accidentally pissed off and the troll on LinkedIn who had a pop at your nose and weird hair.

It’s the ideal time for interpersonal reconciliation. If that doesn’t work and you’re the boss, just sack them.

The coming month activates the sector of your chart related to intimacy, so it’s the perfect time to get drunk and try it on with a colleague.

Ed Hunter Recruitment Satire Star Signs Horoscope

Aquarius (January 19 – February 18)

Aquarius, now’s the time sack off your hateful colleagues and start spending time with friends. They hate you too, but at least they say it to your face.

When the sun enters Leo on Monday, you start a new chapter in your relationships.

The perfect time to hire some new faces, as they won’t know how loathsome and insipid you are.

Mercury will have you questioning whether there’s such a thing as downtime in recruitment, but Venus meets Mercury midweek, helping you to answer that question…

Answer: There isn’t.

Pisces (February 18 – March 20)

Drama Drama Drama.

Give it a rest this month, eh Pisces?!

Use Leo season to focus on your health and daily regimen. Because the audible slander about your attitude’s getting hard to ignore, and painful to observe.

You might also like to use that gym membership finally, or hey, maybe use a hair brush at some point?

Midweek, Mars harmonises with Jupiter, the planet of abundance, helping you to handle all those complaints from clients.

Aries (March 20 – April 19)

Good news Aries: The sun leaves Cancer for Leo on Monday, as does Venus on Saturday, helping your chances of not crying in the toilets.

Leo season is a jovial time that’s ripe for dating, meaning amorous encounters with clients at summer drinks are a helpful distraction from professional incompetence.

Midweek is a good time write a bullshit LinkedIn post about your feelings on something no one cares about.

Communicate your truth.

Literally no one cares, but it will keep you busy. 

Taurus (April 19 – May 20)

Leo season brings your home life to the foreground.

Which is lucky, because if you keep blanking months, there’ll be a lot more of it.

Mercury will complicate your schedule and it’ll be hard to get your point across. That might be the alignment of the planets, or more worryingly, your crippling lack of ability.

As Venus moves into Leo, you’ll make a stupid mistake that puts your career on the brink.

Avoid leaving the house.

Ed Hunter Having a Manicure

Gemini (May 20 – June 21)

Leo season finds you out and about on client meetings making all the noises of a successful consultant.

Sadly, noise is all it remains.

Money’s been a tricky topic recently, especially when your boss keeps asking why there’s none next to your name.

As the month progresses you’ll be helped to figure out how to support yourself in difficult times.

Namely, moving jobs for a higher base, every six months.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Look Cancer, just give up alright.

This really just isn’t working, is it? I mean professionally, you can’t be happy.

We can talk all about Mars and Jupiter and Venus but it won’t make a difference.

You lucked the interview and probably aren’t made for recruitment. Or really, any kind of job where thought’s involved.

Try HR?


 Now, the sceptical will be questioning this advice.

And sure, some of it may be a touch fanciful.

Chances are, the only thing controlling your destiny is you.

But isn’t that more scary?

Psychic readings available here.