Ed Hunter: ‘You Fell Asleep Under a Tree’

Hello again, Ed Hunter here.

Many of you will have read my blog on a pointless email chain with a client recently. That, in essence, provided an insight into just how delightfully petty I can be when needed.

I’m normally quite a reasonable chap, but sometimes, when provoked (in that case by no payment and general rudeness) I can be quite tedious to deal with.

Why? Because, why not?

There’s seemingly nothing else you can do when backed into a corner professionally and I’m not one to take things lying down.

So, in that vein, and because Recruitment sometimes beats you down, I have fun wherever I can. Some of you, may have heard me reference the time a contractor of mine was caught (three times) asleep under a tree when they should have been working.

Naturally, they were sacked. And it fell into my capable hands to let the contractor know. Only, because this contractor knew what was coming, they didn’t answer their phone. Ever.

Therefore what follows below is the actual email chain of me informing the young go-getter of his termination.


 

From: Ed Hunter
Date: Friday 23 Aug 2013 09:31 am
To: Roy
Subject: Contract Termination

Dear Roy,

I’ve tried to get in touch with you regarding your current contract numerous times since Monday afternoon to no avail.

The client has informed me of your outright refusal to work on agreed project guidelines, constant disregard for authority and also the fact they’ve now found you asleep under a tree in their garden three times during the normal working day.

It’s therefore with regret, following on from previous written warnings, I email to inform you of your formal notice, hereby given, and effective two weeks from today.

Kindly reply with acknowledgement of receipt, and do call me when you have a chance to discuss.

Kind regards,

Ed


 

From: Roy
Date: Friday 23 Aug 2013 10:11 am
To: Hunter, Ed
Subject: Re: Contract Termination

Ed,

You can’t fire someone for sleeping.

You can’t fire me anyway your a Recruiter. I’m to busy in work right now, I’ll call your shoddy business later but expect my timesheet as normal.

Roy


From: Ed Hunter
Date: Friday 23 Aug 2013 10:15 am
To: Roy
Subject: RE: Re: Contract Termination

Hi Roy,

Thanks for finally getting back to me.

I’m afraid in this case I can terminate your contract as I’ve been instructed to do so by the end client. This is also the third written warning you’ve had pertaining to poor performance and sleeping on the job.

Your contract of employment is with us, the employment agency, and not the end client.

Please let me know if you intend to work your full two weeks’ notice and as mentioned I’ll be on the phone whenever you’re free.

Ed


From: Roy
Date: Friday 23 Aug 2013 10:31 am
To: Hunter, Ed
Subject: Re: RE: Re: Contract Termination

Ed,

Let me say this in a way you understand.

f*ck you and your sh*t agency. If I’m sacked I’ll see you in court for unfair dismissal and discrimination.

Roy


 

From: Ed Hunter
Date: Friday 23 Aug 2013 11:04 am
To: Roy
Subject: RE: Re: RE: Re: Contract Termination

Ray,

Thanks for your kind note.

It’s blind dedication to the cause such as this that makes me glad I’ve continually rebuffed the client on your behalf. I’ve asked them to give you the benefit of the doubt on no less that five occasions. Unfortunately there’s now no benefit to be had from the crippling doubts they have.

In fairness, you’ll know this from the long, meandering midnight chats we have when I’m wrapped up in bed with a warm cocoa looking at the rain hitting my window as I hunker down for the evening, glad to be inside in the warmth. What is it about rain that makes us daydream?

Anyway, given the fact you’re a white, middle class, middle aged, fully abled, ‘working’ Englishman, the only discrimination I can possibly think of is positive discrimination. So you may find the courts slightly sceptical of your case.

You may give them all a laugh though, and as my brother’s a Lawyer I know it’s a tough gig, so let’s see what happens. I’ve also always wanted to say ‘I rest my case your honour’ in correct context, without someone rolling their eyes or pointing out I don’t have a case with me today.

Ed


 

From: Roy
Date: Friday 23 Aug 2013 12:41 pm
To: Hunter, Ed
Subject: Re: RE: Re: RE: Re: Contract Termination

Ed,

Go f*ck yourself and get a real job!!

Your only waisting your own time emailing me and prooving what a waist of time your job actually is.


 

From: Ed Hunter
Date: Friday 23 Aug 2013 14:37 pm
To: Roy
Subject: RE: RE: Re: RE: Re: Contract Termination

Dear Reg,

I was going to correct your atrocious spelling for you and drop in a little wink 😉 but as it’s entering the afternoon, you’ve probably had forty of those already today.

I’d be only too happy to discuss this on the phone and ‘waist’ no more time, but you refuse to answer my calls.

Also, out of all of us, the client’s ‘waisted’ the most time, as all of your work will have to be redone. Or perhaps I should just say done. Luckily, I’ve found a replacement and as I have a great relationship with your boss she knows this isn’t my fault.

This situation actually reminds me of the story of Rip Van Winkle. Have you read it? It’s a marvellous tale. Perhaps I’ll read it to you on our next adventure into the world of fables. I shall put it on the list, forthwith.

Ed


 

From: Roy
Date: Friday 23 Aug 2013 15:51 pm
To: Hunter, Ed
Subject: Re: RE: RE: Re: RE: Re: Contract Termination

What the f*ck are you on about? I don’t want to talk to you on the phone.

Just pay me for my work.


 

From: Ed Hunter
Date: Friday 23 Aug 2013 16:07 pm
To: Roy
Subject: RE: Re: RE: RE: Re: RE: Re: Contract Termination

To my lovely, Rob,

I do wish you wouldn’t tarnish this exchange with your rugged and untamed prose, it does pain me so.

Your final month’s pay will be settled and as Shirley’s just informed me you’ll be leaving site today for gross misconduct, I’d like to thank you for your hard work to this date.

I’d like to, but I can’t. As you’ve not done anything since you started. Which means your invoices being paid is tantamount to highway robbery. Hey, like your name? That’s funny eh. You should start calling yourself that? Anyway, as the client are pretty much legends you will be paid.

Either way, this distinguished exchange of theologies has really cheered me up today. So, here’s to you… ‘Highway Robbery’.

And here’s to the weekend. Get plenty of sleep. Job hunt starts on Monday.

Ed


 

From: Roy
Date: Friday 23 Aug 2013 18:32 pm
To: Hunter, Ed
Subject: RE: RE: Re: RE: RE: Re: RE: Re: Contract Termination

Well if you think I’m using your agency for work your mistaken.

Except my legal letter in the post. Cu in court.


 

From: Ed Hunter
Date: Friday 23 Aug 2013 21:52 pm
To: Roy
Subject: Re: RE: RE: Re: RE: RE: Re: RE: Re: Contract Termination

Ahhhh god, I knew the day would come when you’d want to meet.

I’m not sure I’m ready, but OK. I’ll wear a white chiffon scarf and hope, beyond hope, I meet your lofty expectations.

See you soon Rug, my love.


Unfortunately I never met Roy.

Maybe he saw me sat in the window and decided against it?

Maybe he decided we just weren’t meant to be?

Maybe he fell asleep, again, and missed his alarm.

Whatever the reason, if you’re out there Roy, never stop being you.

Love, Ed.