Whether you’ve noticed it or not, people lie to you. They do it all the time.
Some lies are kind lies. Like “Hey I really like that tie Ed.”
Or… “No Maria, no one heard you crying in the toilet earlier. You’ve got a tough desk and you’re doing a great job.”
Some lies have hidden meanings. Such as “We’re totally fine with you taking a 2 hour lunch break once a week.”
The hidden meaning here being: Do this and you’ll be labelled a chancer. We’re NOT OK with this. I expect to see you at your desk until 9pm this evening or you’re out.
If, per chance, you spend any time on LinkedIn, you’ll be familiar with lies. But on the off-chance you’re not, here’s a helpful list.
Lie: A candidate delivered these lovely flowers this morning to stay thanks for going above and beyond and placing him in his dream job. This is why I love Recruitment. It’s not the commission, the great culture or the amazing company benefits. It’s the people.
Truth: I picked these up from ESSO on the way in to work. I’ve got a funeral later, but every cloud and all that.
Lie: I can’t believe how far I’ve come. It goes to show even from humble beginnings you can make something of yourself with hard work and belief. I’ve just built this house with the help of my architect. Never let anyone tell you you can’t do something.
Truth: I live in the other end of town, but look at the size of this house. Better go, I can hear a dog barking. P.s. Please join my pyramid scheme, I’m broke.
Lie: This candidate accepted my role only to walk out the day later and start at a new place. He’s now not responding to calls or emails. People say Recruiters have a bad name but I’m astounded by how many candidates are just as bad. Lesson learnt.
Truth: I completely mis-managed this process and misread an email that someone had accepted my offer. They haven’t actually spoken to me for about three weeks in any form but I was hoping for the best. Turns out I was wrong but I have to vent somewhere. Plus this backs up the story I was telling my boss for this month’s deal target.
Lie: I can’t believe the gall of some Recruiters. Calling me up to sell in a candidate because they’ve just placed my employee in another role. It’s no wonder this industry gets a bad name. Cowboys.
Truth: Hi, have you heard of my company? No? Well, we are pretty small, but guess what… we’re growing and are an honest (sort of) company with a desire to get viral social media engagement. Take a look at our live vacancies. P.s. Recruiters if you could comment, it will help all your candidates see this too. Cheers.
Lie: Feeling truly blessed by my colleagues’ desire to help those around them. On the way back from a client meeting we saw this poor old woman with a puncture. While most people drove around her, they went out of their way, rolled up their sleeves, took off their rolex’s and changed the tyre. She was delighted and on her way to Bingo before you could say “thank you Recruiters!”
Truth: Here’s a picture I found on the internet of an old car and some b*stard slashing its tyres. Could be me, if you squint and don’t know me personally. As this update’s from a fake LinkedIn account there’s not much chance of that though.
Lie: We’ll give you £2,000 for every candidate referral you pass on to us that get’s the job
Truth: We’re desperate for candidates, obviously. Think it’s difficult to get hold of us now? Try doing it after we “owe you” £2k. Nevertheless please do send anyone this ‘copy and pasted’ message cause we’re really on struggle street.
Lie: The only thing standing between you and your goal is the bullshit story you keep telling yourself as to why you can’t achieve it.
Truth: The only thing standing between you and your goal is the law; your morals; friendship; sobriety; your desire to be a good person; other people; ethics and the risk of getting caught. P.s. here’s an irrelevant photo of a criminal.
Lie: Either I will find a way or I will create a way but I will not create an excuse.
Truth: Eh? I’ve never even heard of LinkedIn. Please don’t use my image for anything that’s not about my films or climate change. Especially NOT that one character I played who ripped people off. Cheers, Leo.
Lie: Guess how many USB sticks are in this jar? The winner will get a free subscription.
Truth: Here’s a photo of me wearing nothing. The jar’s irrelevant. What’s that? You’re noticing my body? Good, that’s why I’ve done it. Please comment so I can get on my high horse about this being for business and ultimately get my business’s name spread far and wide. Cheers.
Lie: What a great event. Such nice feedback from attendees. Can’t wait to build from this platform of success. Onwards and upwards.
Truth: I paid £1000 to present at this event and the only people to turn up were a bunch of muppets and a homeless man selling roasted street pigeons. If you think I’m spending that kinda money and not putting a decent spin on it you’re mistaken.
Remember: The truth shall set you free.
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