There’s an air of mystery in having a wolf’s head attached to a human body.
The kind of wild that runs to the nearest police officer, screaming silent whimpers.
I did OK during the hipster-beard craze of the early noughties. But no matter how round my glasses, wacky my shirt, or loud my disapproving tuts to commuter’s scooters, as I whizzed past on my fixie, I’m still single.
I even noticed a warning poster about me in a telephone box the other day. Annoyingly, right next to the one I posted.
Well, the answer for lots of physically repulsive, or mentally unstable idiots is the internet.
Not the dark web, which is where I went wrong initially. I’m talking about Tinder.
The mobile app which finally lets people show their true self, before you’ve even asked for it.
So, as I try to understand this brave new world of romance, I asked the slugs in my office to show me their profiles.
And I share them with you today…
Just rarely with the same guy twice.
The only thing she loves more than dating is crying in the toilets. Why? Recruitment. Or ‘ the one’ has ghosted her again. And she now needs to delete all Instagram photos with “this one”.
She’s HEAVILY invested in the avocado craze and can’t really remember what she ate before avocado.
The only thing Becky hates more than short guys is small minded people.
Just absolutely adores brunch. And travelling. Which usually means Spain once a year, and skiing at Daddy’s chalet.
Her colleagues are like family. In that they ignore her; suffer her presence at dinner and would rather not get into another conversation about her cat.
Becky’s annoyed being a recruiter gives her a bad rep, so won’t mention it on the internet. Will only tell you on date 2. Right before she introduces her parents on an accidental 9am FaceTime call.
Don’t panic though, wait until you try her famous avocado on toast.
He’ll tell you that as an ice breaker. Whilst slipping you his business card that says Headhunter. He actually disagrees with hunting though. Unless it’s for conservation.
“Did you watch that documentary on Netflix?”
Conveniently cuts his legs off in gym selfies. Eats healthily Monday to Thursday so he can GET ON IT every weekend.
My word Phil’s smooth. He’s locked in a second date and you haven’t even got to the speakeasy yet. It’s 2for1 cocktails on a Thursday.
“Listen, why don’t we down these espresso martinis and shoot back to mine?”
The only thing Phil hates more than bunny boilers is cliches. He’s great with clients because he dates most of them. Only thing bigger than his ego is his expense budget. You’ll have a d*ck pic within 3 hours.
Ends his bio with ‘Vino’ because his Gran was Italian and he’s DYING to tell you. Also knows women love wine.
Not just a pretty face is he.
Won Back Office Employee of the year in 2016. Thinks you lot are mad lol. Had a thing with Steve a while ago before he went back to his wife, but hey, that’s life rite? lol
Jan could be the one holding the camera, or another woman in the photo. The next ‘piccy’ won’t clear it up.
Has Live.Laugh.Love printed three times around her house and once on her desk. Right next to her staffy Lennox. He’s such a good boy.
He comes into the office every Thursday when the kids go to their Dads.
Wants a man not a boy. Her laugh’s infectious, but she will quite literally laugh at anything. You don’t have to be crazy to work here, but it helps, right Jan?
“Oh, more paperwork? You lot need to stop doing deals lol, pass it here babez”
He’s hoping you’ve noticed the top knot. He says he grows it and donates it to charity, but he can’t bring himself to cut it.
Dylan changed when he went travelling. Had his photo taken with a drugged up tiger and swears he met him again on ayahuasca in Peru. None of Dylan’s clients listen to him. But he does take himself rather seriously.
Dylan will tell you he’s a leftie, but his trust fund says otherwise. Calls himself a vegan but f**king loves kebab when he’s hammered. That said, he doesn’t need alcohol to have a good time. Heavy vaper.
Dylan says he’s an Account Manager because he hates being a recruiter.
It’s not recruitment he hates. It’s his disappointed mother.
She hates recruiters more than anything.
Does she think she shouldn’t wear 6 inch heels, because you’re not man enough to handle an attractive woman in business? No. So don’t even bring it up.
Vehement feminist. The type who thinks men are scum and should be treated as such. Unless you’re a client.
Her cold, dark, fifty-yard stare tells you she’s seen some things. Unimaginable things.
But those eyes won’t break. Just like her heart. Not since it turned to stone.
She will however take you home for half a bottle of Chardonnay and a pizza express.
Remember those vouchers chaps.
In fact he despises being called Gaz, but what started as a joke now can’t be undone. Has a segment on a Monday morning called ‘What Gaz Did This Weekend’. We come up with most boring guess ever, and he beats us with what he actually did.
No one’s ever guessed. It’s mad.
For all the ribbing, Gaz is shit hot with candidates. But only because he’s dying to be a Developer himself and practices in his lunch break listening to Slipknot.
If you don’t know Rick and Morty, Gaz really won’t have a lot to say to you. Luckily, this further reinforces his strength on the Python desk.
Gaz claims he’s a ‘Super User’ on the CRM, but there’s no such thing. He just knows all the keyboard shortcuts.
“Want me to update your firewall?” Uh, no thanks Gaz. Just stop touching my things there pal.
Recruitment’s a lot like dating. Full of weirdos, and cliches at every turn.
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