LinkedIn has rules…
We all know this – obviously we all read the T’s & C’s when we signed up!
They’re quite straight forward and include things like “Don’t create too much fun” and “don’t post GIF’s” – A lot of you won’t remember this but not so long ago I myself, fell afoul of these rules.
I was punished by being deleted from the LinkedIn universe and leaving the thousands of Ed Hunter followers without entertainment for at least 4 days before I was adopted by Hunted (thanks again guys).
What you might not know, is the set of unwritten rules and truths – rules & truths that are universal across the whole of LinkedIn… I’ve compiled just a few of them here.
1. On your first day at a new job everyone will stalk your profile to see how many of their clients you’re connected to.
“So how do you know ‘client x?’” is going to be one of the first things that Mr. Top Biller is going to say – he has carefully sifted through all of your shared contacts and found the one that means most to him…
If you are in any way friendly with this client my advice would be to make it clear to Mr. Top Biller that not only do you golf with him on Saturdays but he is also the Godfather to your first child… assert dominance early on and things can only get better.
2. If you are a hot female all of your “people also viewed list” will be full of other unrelated hot women.
My “people also viewed list” is basically a list of people I have worked with. Other shoddy recruiters of varying appearance! However one of my old colleagues (who is by far and a way the hottest thing I’ve encountered since I bit into the middle of a Greggs steak bake) only has other amazingly good looking women on her people also viewed list…
This leads me to believe that there are multiple weird old men using LinkedIn as some sort of recruiter fetish site… I wonder if they call in?? “Yeah baby…. tell me you’ll read my resume and get back to me”.
3. There is always one person in the office with some sort of trick to get around premium blocks.
If your boss is too tight to buy LinkedIn you’ll find yourself up against the terror that is the premium usage limit – or the out of network profiles – or the no way of messaging people – or various other things that you can’t do without a license.
But, have no fear! The one consultant that has survived in this tight arse environment has become an HTML… JAVA…Web design expert on the side and can now get you around all of the different blocks in place. He’ll never tell you all of them though as there is a chance that you may outshine him at some point… and if you ever find a quicker or better way around the blocks he’ll report to it LinkedIn through fear of not being needed.
4. For some reason even recruiters get really bad headhunting InMails.
So I often read that candidates are fed up with receiving really bad, impersonal, un-targeted LinkedIn mails. Well Mr. Candidate I have news for you… so are we!
What is it with 50% (that’s a rough and probably low estimate) of the recruitment world that cannot get emails right? It can’t be all of us as I have worked with only a handful of people who send rubbish InMails. The rest are very well targeted and personalised (it takes longer but actually works btw).
– Just because I recruited the developers that made the ‘RSPCA app’ doesn’t mean I know what’s wrong with your dog.
5. Whatever you’re posting on LinkedIn, you’ll get ten times the interaction with a sob story
You could be posting a self promotion photo, a job, a maths puzzle or a ‘guess how many elephants are in this fridge’ picture. To an extent, the content of what you post on LinkedIn is completely irrelevant. It’s all about the delivery. People want to know the struggle you’ve been on before guessing the answer to 6+3 (for some reason it won’t be 9).
E.g. “When I started my own business, I was working from a broom cupboard at the bottom of the sea. All I had to eat was kelp and seaweed. We had no windows, and no staff. No infrastructure, no clients and no hope. Today when I look around I’m still amazed to be in this situation, with one window. Thanks to everyone who’s helped me on this journey. Good times ahead. #firstneverfollows #winning #trulyblessed”
6. Everyone hates you. Sob story or not, if the comments section gets going it will boil down to Us Vs Them. Recruiters Vs the World.
“I’m not all saying all recruiters are like this, but every one I’ve ever worked with is a fraud and a thief.”
“Shouldn’t you be helping the unemployable people of the world get jobs rather than posting shit like this?”
“I’m sure there are some good ones out there, but I’d rather have a dinner party with Hitler, Mussolini and my Mother in Law than speak to a recruiter ever again.”
“All recruiters are ****’s”
There you have it. There are more than this. So many more. Feel free to point them out… just include a sob story or I’m not interested.
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