Whoever you are, whatever your interests, wherever you’re from, the world’s being segregated.
In your office right now are tags. And you’ll have at least one.
These tags govern all aspects of your life. Your leisure time. Your friends. Your interests and rivals.
If you can’t work out why no one likes you, it’s probably your tags. The cults you call home.
Here’s an insight into some of the more popular office (and online) cults, to help you fit in, and heal office harmony all round the world…
For a reason I still can’t work out, supporting a football team isn’t your choice.
You get inducted at a young age and that’s it. BAM. These people are now the bane of your existence. For life.
A 23-strong group of millionaires playing a game on a field down the road, whose ability and attitude create constant frustration with momentary and fleeting highs. None of these people give a moment’s thought for your plight. And you can’t leave.
1) Momentary and fleeting highs.
2) Your sense of humour will improve gradually from induction to death.
1) For the rest of your life, your team’s ability (or lack thereof) will determine your happiness. A hazy mist of confusion will descend over you every Saturday with people from other cults (teams) ever ready with put downs and insults.
2) No one’s safe. If you’re inducted into one of these cults, prepare for a life of misery and abuse.
“Is anyone on the plane a doctor?”
“I’m a vegan…”
Veganism exists for a few reasons. Some of it’s health, which is fair. The other part’s the environment, which is also fair. Have you ever pondered the utter annihilation the constant watering of avocado fields does though? No, you’re too busy on that high horse.
1) You’ll live longer than all your meat eating friends. Meaning you can write their obituaries in that smug tone of yours.
2) You have a great reason to be offended by 70% of the internet
1) Everyone hates your smug tone
2) Travelling to less enlightened countries will mean plain rice and hot water become your staple diet.
How many people who follow Oleg, Denning, Ryan and Hyacinth do you think are religious? Be quite difficult to find out, but I’d bet the percentage is high.
Maybe as high as the utterly nonsense “one thousand percent” people seem happy quoting these days.
The world according to LinkedIn is scary. But think about it this way… the more people ‘agree’ with the drivel fabricated therein, the less people you have to worry about as competition.
1) Everyone agrees with everyone.
1) It’s highly likely this all ends with a suicide pact. And by that point, you’ll be in total agreement it’s definitely the very best idea anyone’s ever had. You won’t know who though, the basic premise will be copy and pasted by the world and his wife.
But you’ll agree.
Oh boy will you agree.
Like football, you fall into recruitment. No one has ever, in the history of the job, entered the industry by design.
The hate’s a funny one, because your fundamental modus operandi is to help people. And a lot of the time, that help comes for free. But you earn money eventually, therefore you’re the devil. Welcome to the cult. The water’s lovely.
1) You can make decent money if you’re good.
2) You’re never short of conversation with people at parties.
1) The public opinion of your existence is worse than that of murderers and sex offenders, who in comparison to your life choices are at ‘scamp’ and ‘rascal’ levels.
2) You’ll become the most cynical person you know.
3) Your lack of trust will drive most life decisions.
It could be GoT, or Lost, or Breaking Bad, or The Wire.
But name any one of these shows in an office or on the internet and you’ll be flooded with opinions.
The most common quote for anyone who’s not seen the specific show will be this: OH MY GOD, YOU’VE NOT SEEN …
Which will instantly put you off ever wanting to watch it. And if that doesn’t the fact you’re 138 seasons behind will.
1) You have something to talk about in the office and online.
2) At some point you can leave.
1) Your colleagues will want to talk to you.
2) Worse, they’ll want to watch the big season finale together in a big room, where only 10% watch, leaving the other 90% to rustle snacks and chat about plot holes, characters they fancy and where they know certain actors from.
3) You can basically never go on the internet again, should someone ruin it, which is now an international sport.
There was a time when picking the wrong religion would have you burnt at the stake. In fact people were so convinced of an imaginary power governing their lives, they voluntarily admitted such a standing, despite knowing they were going to be burnt alive. In front of their friends and relatives.
These days, you’re more likely to get a razzing on social media but here’s an insight into the deets.
1) The positive of belonging to a religion is you have an answer for everything that happens.
“Oh, look that Cathedral’s been burnt to a cinder… God’s plan.”
“Oh look, kids are being relentlessly bullied online, thanks Jesus.”
“Oh look, I’ve just been sacked, thanks be to the lord.”
1) Things can get a bit bitey if you choose the wrong one.
2) Even abstaining can get you into hot water. Saying “we have no way of knowing, and I’d probably rather stick with things I can see” will have you marked as a heretic and naysayer.
3) Belonging to one with ‘traditional values’, might mean you can’t play rugby any more.
4) God forbid, you use phrases like ‘God forbid’ without any grounding in the good book (insert brand as appropriate).
Time was, football was the most tribal thing in the country. That was before the footballification of politics. Apparently, you don’t pick an ideal and stay true to that throughout your career.
You pick a side.
That means you can wholeheartedly support policies you think are terrible ideas. It’s becoming more like football daily. You’re either a Remoaner or a Brexiteer. Your colours are dyed in the wool. Your attitude stinks, no matter which side you’re on.
You’re a terrible loser and the world’s against you. And remember this… you can’t change your mind. Weird isn’t it.
1) You know what’s going on in the world
1) You know what’s going on in the world
2) You can’t change anything. You might think you can, but it’s all an illusion.
3) You’re going to be really annoyed most of the time.
4) People who supposedly represent you are caricatures of real humans bumbling through life without a moment’s thought of your plight… (See? Football.)
You could, of course, steer clear of any office cult altogether… but what would you talk about?
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