Writing this blog is a bit of a public service.
I do it out of the kindness of my heart. And to see the smiles on kids faces as I wave majestically from my car window.
As their parents worryingly pull them back from the kerb, as I swerve recklessly down the road, you can tell I’ve made their day.
And because I’m so dedicated, I’ve decided to share some of the HOTTEST jobs of 2019.
These roles are looking for some fine talent, so expect inflated salaries, high fees and genuine excitement when you share them on LinkedIn.
Here they are in classic list form.
Milkshaking is the new happy slapping.
If you’re in a position of power and are disgustingly treated badly by the two-faced, dim-witted public, just for suggesting you’d take to the streets with a rifle should things not go your way, you’ll need a human shield.
No one wants a dairy based drink drenching the Russian-bought, China made suits you don in public.
Dry cleaners aren’t magicians.
And even if you take into account the high acidic content of candidate tears mixed in with the fabric softener, you’ll be buying a new wardrobe for every media opportunity.
Well not you. Them. And by them, I mean the foreign forces illegally paying for political favours.
By July in the UK, there’ll be Milkshake Assassins flinging thick strawberry concoctions from every angle imaginable. From rooftops. From drive-by electric scooters. From beneath clever disguises, like ‘living statues’ hiding in plain sight in city centres.
Your job is to stop them by any means necessary.
Perks include 5% off Harry’s Dry Cleaning in Chelsea and season ticket loans on see-through riot shields.
To perform in this role you’ll need to be comfortable taking continuous shots to the face. For that reason it may suit retired Escorts or Ex-Recruiters dreaming of the quiet life.
It’s easy to get bummed out by stories in the news these days.
With a bit of luck we’re close to a new plague. That’ll cheer everyone up. Really wipe the slate clean.
But there’s another positive side to terrifying news stories…
From now on, every kidnapping, war, miscarriage of justice, or military coup will be followed round by a plucky film crew in the hope their footage will be bought by Netflix.
Much like hurricane chasers, this job is high risk.
But think of the infamy enjoyed by Fyre Festival organisers, putting their mouth where the money is.
Oh yes, the rewards are high too.
Perks include 12% off The Priory when you quote ‘Ed Hunter’.
Must have camera, a dead-pan narration tone and willingness to step on to the front line of depressing news stories everywhere.
The earth is flat.
Everyone now knows this to be true. I mean, it was in a Netflix documentary?!
For years I’d been living a lie. The digital projection of the earth played through aeroplane ‘windows’ has only muddied my understanding of the world around me.
I once was blind but now I see. The earth is flat.
Sadly, this means it’s only a matter of time before someone tries to look on the other side of the border protecting us all from blood thirsty aliens.
Let’s stop them. Together.
You’ll need a no-nonsense attitude and high propensity for common sense.
There will be those who try to convince you the earth is in fact spherical. And your post is nothing more than a single point on a map, which holds no mystery or vantage point.
These naysayers must be oppressed.
Perks include 7% discount at Donald’s Gun House and a further 13% off semi-automatics.
Must have a deep-rooted quest for the truth and a maximum IQ of 76.
Hiring Manager: “It says here you were fired from your last role for a joke on Twitter?”
You: “Oh yeah… I errrm… I made a joke about a baby.”
HM: “OK… what was the joke?”
You: “It was a satirical critique of the world of social media and the part it plays in expectations from the public.”
HM: “Oh, sounds funny. How did you express it?”
You: “I posted a picture of a monkey which some people took as a racist slant.”
HM: “We’ll call you.”
Much like the watered down, middle of the road, easy-to-agree, whitewashing of Oleg and Brigette’s ghost writers, this role involves making sure no offence is taken by any post online.
Your boss is likely to be a raging fascist, which means most jokes will be of your own making.
Perks include 17% off a USB keyboard from Staples.
To succeed in this position you’ll need to show a continuous sense of humour failure and history of crying in the toilets about jokes made in the office.
Almost no prior experience as a Writer is needed for this position. The role predominantly involves making twitter polls and creating the most favourable plots for the general public.
There should be no surprises.
No plot twists.
All characters who hold national favour should be written into all story lines and endings.
If you’re good at sensing the feeling of the room, this is the job for you.
A role for the diplomat.
May include late nights, creating alternative endings for the pissed off minority to gush over whilst live tweeting their opinions. Bear in mind someone on Twitter recently said they were ‘clinically depressed’ after the ending of the last episode of Dungeon’s and Dragons.
Your job is to stop worldwide depression.
Perks include 23% of Kleenex (ordered online).
Must have an eager to please attitude and sense of entitlement.
Brexit this. Trump that. Winnie the Pooh’s banned in China. When will it all end?
Well, gladly, the sweet onset of death is only a short few decades away.
Until that treasured moment, it’d be nice to have something positive to read.
GOOD NEWS today, as a riot shield fresh from the disused car factory in SUNDERLAND has proved its worth on the first outing, at a peaceful fascism rally in Wigan.
Revellers were SPLATTERED with shrapnel from bits of old banana and raspberry coulis on Thursday, as their right-wing banners became soggy and stenchful with days old SEMI-SKIMMED.
Their aspirational, young, man of the people and Eton alumni leader was unharmed in what appears to be another MINDESS milkshaking, further staining public opinion of this once great nation.
To be successful in this role you’ll need a borderline abhorrent persistence to positivity.
The sort of person who smiles before 7am.
The kind of raving sociopath who asks how everyone’s weekend was in the lift on a Monday morning.
Must be the person everyone avoids at family picnics.
In a few forward-thinking cities around the world, take aways are being delivered by Drone.
Along with medical supples and Amazon orders.
This means hypothetically, you could order a new dildo, a Chicken Jalfrezi and fresh batch of Vicodin and never move a muscle, as they get dropped into your back garden, for the waiting angry dog.
This also means, there’s a new pilot in town. And these ones have no real risk attached to their capabilities.
If you’re able to showcase a history of success in PS4 or XBox and hold ‘speed’ as a higher value than ‘safety’ or ‘sobriety’, this could be the role for you.
No drug tests necessary and you can WFH, in your underwear.
Perks include an annual subscription to Gamers Weekly and a plastic ‘Drone Pilot’ badge to wear in bars.
If you’re irresponsible and view your current situation as ‘hopeless’, we want to hear from you.
Further jobs about to land on my desk include a Toff Translator for future political candidates, LinkedIn Profile Wizards for retired chefs, Robot Riot Control Officers and Online Spoiler Police.
I’ll take to LinkedIn when these become available.
To apply for any of these roles, please leave a comment saying “I’m not a robot” and I’ll get in touch.
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