It’s a rollercoaster this recruitment game.
That’s what they say isn’t it.
The waiting in line for a sniff of enjoyment, for what seems like years.
But is that where the analogy ends?
You come in on a Monday with no jobs on.
No meetings planned.
No one answering your phone calls.
No one answering your emails.
No one commenting on your LinkedIn post.
All that remains is the audible ticking of the clock to remind you of the futility of existence.
Roll Up Roll Up.
If you have what it takes to knock this bag into oblivion, test your mettle by swinging hard.
One punch is all it takes to slam your way to the top.
For this attraction, all you need do is this:
Line up all the office meatheads and audibly question who you think could hit it the hardest.
Then sit back and watch as they all talk about how hard they could smash, without any of them actually doing so.
£5 to enter.
Much like theme park attractions you’ll have seen before, this one involves a member of staff waiting patiently to WOW their audience.
Now normally, this guessing game is done on weight, or age, or something similar.
All they do is have a chart and guess, based on the answers to other questions, what the missing link is.
For this one, your billings will be guessed, within the pound.
It’s £10 to enter.
You tell them what you’ve forecasted for the year.
The guess is always 50% of that number.
There’s nothing you can win, and there’s no prizes on offer.
The ghost train at theme parks is always heralded as the scariest hell raising adventure you won’t dare to make.
Let me pose a scarier scenario.
You take a client out on the town to grease the wheels a touch.
You rinse your monthly expenses budget in the space of a few hours.
You’ve left the car at home, knowing it might get a little raucous and you’re glad you have done.
You can barely see your phone screen, let alone the departures board on platform 3.
You get on the train and the weight of your stress-laden eyelids overpowers you.
Without knowing why or how, you wake up in Hull.
You’re on an empty carriage and there’s no sign of life anywhere.
The sounds of ghosts whirl eerily round the train.
And somehow, you’ve got to get home.
Then you look down, and realise someone’s poured liquid down your trousers.
Cost of entry: Bar bill: £498, Replacement phone screen: £100, Return taxi from Hull: £1,374, Loss of dignity: priceless.
Chance of being more scared than a real ghost train: 100%.
Like the teacups in real theme parks, Recruitment Teacups will have you feeling sick to your stomach.
To enter all you need to do is repeat the following phrase:
“Anyone fancy a cuppa?”
Now for the ride.
Simply carry 11 teacups back from the kitchen, full to the brim with scolding liquid.
As you set each one down, one by one, all in different parts of the office, you’ll hear eleven individual criticisms about the strength and effort of your work.
Don’t worry though, there’s a memento too.
For every ride, you’re allowed to take home a 2nd degree burn to your hand or wrist.
Something for the grandkids isn’t it?
The House of Mirrors will trap even the most steadfast of recruiters.
First of all, you have to book a meeting across town on a day with a touch of wind in the air.
Then you have to walk across town.
On the way, there’ll be chances to look at your reflection.
In windows. Toilet mirrors. The side of buses. Your phone camera.
To win the grand prize (one over sized cuddly monkey) all you have to do is resist the temptation to look in the mirror or alter your appearance in any way.
No one has ever won this game.
Cost of entry: Your pride.
Real Waltzers at theme parks are often free to ride.
That’s probably because without a purchase, there’s no proof of contract. And without proof of contract, you’re less likely to sue for a broken neck.
Recruitment Office Waltzers are the same.
Free to enter, no money should exchange hands.
Sit down on a swivel chair in the middle of the office.
Get your office rival to spin it as fast and often as they can.
After a minimum of ten spins have been completed, try to walk back to your desk, past the boss, without throwing up on the boss.
The winner’s normally the audience.
Of course every recruiter knows doing this job is far more thrilling than any rollercoaster in a theme park.
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