I regularly poke fun at recruiters here. You see, it’s allowed when you are one. I’m the person I laugh at the most. Unless you count HR.
Or Estate Agents.
Or my Resourcer.
OK, I’ll laugh at anyone.
But there’s one person in every agency who holds company-wide immunity. They bowl in when they want. Do virtually f**k all. And compound this by having the audacity to ask you what you’re up to.
“More than you” never goes down as well as you think it will.
Actually, that’s probably not fair.
Anyway, without getting into my own personal feelings, I stumbled upon a bit of luck recently.
My MD’s been seeing a therapist. And with their guidance he’s decided to start a daily journal. He’s charting his inner thoughts and daily activity, on the journey to becoming a better person.
Yeah I know…
Anyway I’ve digitalised the contents for you,
08:00 – Emailed Ed, cc’d in ‘all’. Made the tone border on insulting, but never actually said what’s wrong. Used caps.
Reminded everyone doughnuts WILL NOT be tolerated. Asked them to write it down for shits and giggs.
Can ask to see it later when bored.
08:15 – Decided to roll over for another hour’s kip. Was a late one at the Private Member’s Club so I deserve a lie in.
Plus, when you’re this devilishly handsome, looking tired is a sign of weakness.
09:36 – Had a nice long coffee looking out over the city. My city.
The city of dreams… London.
Breathed it in. Every last drop. What a story my life will make.
09:41 – Took a high pressured raindrop shower with aroma therapy oils in my black marble, double unit. Switching to cold right at the end. It was horrible, but I’ll brag about it later on LinkedIn.
Wondered who’d play me in the story of my life.
09: 52 – After settling on Denzel as the only actor versatile enough, jumped in the Porsche and headed in.
Pondered sacking someone on the sales floor for parking in ‘my spot’ despite not having allocated spots.
Could be a good day.
10:38 – Walked into a quiet office. Noise immediately picked up.
As if invigorated by the aura of my presence alone, my staff were suddenly inspired to perform.
10:41 – Asked Ed to see me in the boardroom.
Asked him whether anyone had been under performing so I could get rid for a laugh. He was surprisingly not cool. Question marks remain over his attitude.
11:29 – LinkedIn’s shit these days. Think about posting about another 4am gym routine but last one only went out last week.
Stalk some ex-staff members who’ve set up on their own. Still struggling by the looks of it.
Stacey walks past so have a harmless flirt. She’s got a fella but he’s poor and punching well above his weight. She does nothing to make me think I don’t have a chance.
12:15 – The Ski Trip’s booked for next Jan. All the lads are in. Jonty, Squiffy, Percy, Pork Chop and Pete.
We’re going to my chalet in Val D’Isere again.
Send an email round about a company-wide ski trip next year. If we hit the massive target I set.
Chuckle to myself about the magnitude of their task.
12:30 – Gym.
Another PB on the rower and the, now regular, eye contact with the fit PT is getting seriously intense.
13:58 – After some meditation in the steam room my aura’s popping and my wellness levels are through the roof.
Time to run through some the results of the anonymous survey. Half today, half tomorrow.
14:59 – Someone’s getting fired.
And because there’s only 30 people in here, all I have to do is ask the right questions and the guilty party will be outed.
From the angry tone and spelling mistakes, I narrow it down to the Infrastructure Team.
15:14 – I stroll round the room dropping guidance to all my minions.
You can tell by them lighting up how much they appreciate this face time.
I wonder whether other recruitment MDs are this strategically hands on? I move on quickly, I know the answer.
15:31 – After asking Dan to see the ‘No Doughnuts’ note he wrote following instruction from me first thing, he asks to talk in the boardroom. He’s not happy and wants to leave.
Dan’s a nice guy, but he’s not the best recruiter.
In fairness, I put him on an impossible desk when he joined and 4 people have tried to make it work previously. We talk. He’s close to tears.
I offer him the Internal position. It’s a piece of piss, basically just sending profiles to me, so I can sell the dream. Plus I get to pay him less commission.
He takes it.
15:58 – Steph’s crying again, she doesn’t half cry a lot.
Suggest she takes 5 in the toilet so it doesn’t deter the interviewee in the boardroom.
16:30 – Dan’s moving desks looking optimistic.
I give him 6 months but if it doesn’t work I can fire him and look brilliant for giving him a chance.
16:41 – Flick through LinkedIn again and leave comments on some of the boys’ posts from the Directors’ WhatsApp group.
Suggest on an Internal’s post she’s a failed recruiter. She doesn’t like it. 4 people from the group do though.
16:45 – All Hands Meeting.
This is just a chance to see what everyone’s doing with their time and leaves no room for BS.
Everyone moans they take too long, but I remind them MY TIME the most important, not theirs.
Plus they make me look ‘hands on’. In a different way to Kath when she massages the boys’ shoulders on sales calls.
17:58 – Long meeting but very much needed.
Managed to get in a few home truths and some high level strategy (dropped the new company-wide KPI structure). No one seemed happy, think we did a good job.
18:15 – Reply to the 7 comments on LinkedIn accusing me of chauvinism.
Most of them were from people not running their own business.
18:25 – Leaving early to hit the range.
Hitting my new Driver 300yds really jacks up my shakra.
19:34 – Drive through my electronic gates and just feel overwhelmed. I work so hard to live this life. But it’s the small things that makes me appreciate it.
I film a video for LinkedIn saying just this. Need to think of some good hashtags so I start trending.
Decide to do it over dinner, which I eat outside on the heated balcony. ‘Cause I can.
20:02 – Lauren (our Office Manager) calls me worried. She’s scanned the survey results for tomorrow. Apparently they’re not good reading.
I wonder whether I’m going about this all wrong? Do they actually hate me? Or the idea of me?
I can’t be any fairer and I’ve already stopped capping their commission?!
20:47 – After some time in my own thoughts worrying about my reputation I decide a Lion doesn’t concern himself with the opinions of the sheep.
Anyone stupid enough to be honest will be in the boardroom explaining their answers. Might make for a fun Friday activity.
Plus it’s not like it’s hard to find more Grads.
22:35 – I close my eyes and feel warm as £2,000 scotch swirls round my brain and the Egyptian cotton soothes the aches from the gym.
I put my IWC on the side and sleep.
Need to be on good form for any early sackings.
Obviously I scanned this quick sharp and put it back without him noticing.
But it’s interesting to get an insight isn’t it?
If you’re wondering whether my days are any better…
Senior Recruitment Consultant at New Chapter Consulting
Part Time Consultant/Senior Consultant at Deltra Group
Principle Consultant - Contract & Interim at DNA Recruit
Global Headhunter & Account Manager at Emerald Technology
Consultant - Principal Consultant - Marketing at EMR