It’s all a game this recruitment lark. We, the players, are after the prize at the end.
The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
The grand prix.
But before our lips touch the cherished chalice of victory, there are demons afoot. Trying to stop us in our quest at every turn. They’re the heartless Hiring Manager. They’re the idiotic Internal Recruiter. The catastrophic colleague and the misanthropic Management.
They have tricks and traps. They ruse us and bruise us.
But we win. Time and time again. Against all the odds, with the help from the recruitment Gods.
It’s only after you win, you realise. It wasn’t about the prize all along. It was the journey. The theatre of war. The smell of the kill. Or, placement, I guess.
Now, in your best Bane impression, say it with me…
Let the games begin
(NB. some of the games may not be in original condition)
The career ladder’s slippery. And there are many snakes along the path to the ultimate goal; selling a business and never having to see anyone, ever again.
You need to tread the thin bar of LinkedIn, let alone business. Have a personality, show it. But never do anything to piss someone off. Good luck. There’s nothing people love more than to be offended.
“I’m offended by this” people will say. As if for some reason, that alone makes it a justifiable point. Back to the start, until you apologise to the internet.
Someone’s being killed softly and it’s our job to work out who. There are lots of likely suspects and bags of potential victims.
Will it be the war hardened, shaky-handed middle Manager with PTSD and penchant for banging on about the good old days?
Is the young new recruit who keeps asking stupid questions going to piss off the overly aggressive Top Biller?
Will the shyly stuttering Training Manager come a cropper to the upside down recruitment funnel they keep banging on about?
My money’s on Stephanie, crying with a Vodka bottle, in the stationery cupboard.
Whatever happens, no one really has a clue what the f**k’s going on.
Enter at your own risk.
You’ve got a number of young bucks in your office. And they need breaking in. Some people do this with gentle persuasion, others with brute force. It doesn’t matter which one you choose, as long as they don’t buck under pressure.
You can see by the look in their face, they already resent you.
“This is the way you were taught. They need to be able to handle the pressure so they can see the good side of the job. You’re just looking after them.” You whisper to yourself over and over as you pile more pressure on their puny shoulders.
Hey, at least all you’ve put on is stress and disappointment.
That rope the Director’s carrying looks like it carries a heavier burden.
Everything’s Guess Who in recruitment.
Guess who’s crying in the toilet today?
Guess who got hammered and is still asleep under their desk?
Guess who pulled yet another deal out their arse from that gold mine account they inherited?
Fun suggestion: Print off mugshots of your team and play this game in real life to spice up quarterly forecasts.
Ever sent a CV to someone who doesn’t know what they want?
There’s a bit of excitement, in fact it’s really close. But it’s not a perfect hit. They could tell you what direction you need to go in.
But they don’t know.
“You’re getting closer” is their catchphrase.
The same sanctimonious b*stards this box was modelled on. With women dutifully washing up in the background, the men can put the world to rights. With battleships. Oooh yeah.
“Vivienne, fetch my cream tank top, it’s time to teach young Edward about business.”
What would you risk to become Top Biller?
Your dignity? Your pride? Your friends and family? Anything that could constitute a normal life?
All the world’s treasures are on offer, if you just give up any mention of anything outside recruitment. But hey… getting up in the morning’s a risk. You might as well go for it.
No one gets out alive.
Keep it real.
Senior Recruitment Consultant at Signify Technology
Client Consultant - Early Careers Team at Freshminds
Recruitment Consultant - Isle of Man at Boston Link
Trainee Recruitment Consultant at Monarch Recruitment
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