The most sensible advice anyone would give you about quitting your job is DON’T GO OVER THE TOP.
Think it out.
Plan what you’re going to say.
Have another job before you quit.
To go ‘over the top’ plays with imagery of deadly gun fights in the trenches of World War One. To go ‘over the top’ when you quit won’t have the same blood-thirsty outcome. But it won’t do you any favours.
That said, if you’re currently in a muddy trench, faced with minimal rations to survive, dressed in a stifling uniform, writing era defining poetry to get you through the dark times, then f*ck it.
Go over the top.
‘Tis the season after all.
And I’m not one for being sensible, as you may know.
Instead of getting hammered and standing in line at the Christmas bash, waiting to quit with 5 of your comrades, like an optimistic but hesitant infant standing in line to see Santa… do these instead.
And if you film yourself indulging in any of the festive treats herein, I’ll hand deliver a bag of Ed Hunter swag to your desk.
To show you’re morally richer than the company you’re leaving behind, the world of film will add a certain je ne sais quois to your resignation.
Depending on how acrimonious you want your exit to be, either hire a tiger or don’t. There are plenty of easier things to put in its place. Some will even keep them alive.
Like a bucket of cold water. Or room a full of… not killer, but certainly very angry bees.
If you’ve really had it, nothing says “I’d rather not work here any more” like a surprise anvil dropped from the rafters.
And if you’ve set this up the night before and didn’t go in, it can be brushed under the carpet as a “workplace incident.”
Breathe it in. Freedom.
The best thing about flash mobs is, the people who participate in them are more than willing to turn up for free.
They’ll go anywhere you choose, at random, at no cost to you, at short notice, wearing whatever you choose. The weirder the scenario, the more likely they are to turn up.
Most of these people will be drunk. And have no plan to stop drinking, or dispersing for at least a few hours.
Some flash mobs sing. Some dance. Some do both.
Some dress up as Santas and get utterly leathered.
Given the time of year, you could get a group of singing, dancing, hammered santas, to sing your resignation letter, with you taking the lead.
“Jingle bells, your breath smells,
Stay the f*ck away,
My interest in this job has died,
If you touch me it’s affray, hey!”
I was once told by someone, you can write cheques on the side of a cow. It’s still legally binding, just… paper’s the most convenient form.
Honestly, I’ve not been able to get it out my head since.
Do you include the price of the cow? Is the cow returned after the bank cashes it? Who feeds the cow during transit? Does the postman get advanced warning to bring the big van?
If you can write a legally binding cheque on the side of a cow, you’d better believe you can quit on the side of one.
And then, as you wave your new bovine friend goodbye, along with your old boss, they’ve got a cow in their boardroom. And as everyone knows… you can lead a cow upstairs, but you can’t lead them down.
Good luck in the lift. And the future. I’m off to new pastures.
You’re not going to make an impact on your unofficial last day if you’re sober.
And as it’s unlikely you’ll be drunk before you get to work, make the most of the free booze when you get there.
This variety of resignation seems uncouth on the face of it, so try to add an air of sophistication with your choice of drink. Warming brandy in the palm of your hand’s tried and tested.
Taking in your own egg whites, ice and a cocktail shaker means any other comrades feeling afflicted will soon join in the levity and provide a much needed alternative to the deal bell.
If you’re struggling for apparatus, protein shakers are a decent makeweight.
This resignation works best as a vlog.
And let’s face it will do better than any of your HOT Job vlogs filmed in gale-force winds, overlooking a sewage works.
If you’re of a modest persuasion, a Borat mankini works perfectly. And will also be sold to women in most major outlets. Not sure whether the product name changes for gender equality, but it’s worth asking.
i) Ask your boss to join you in the private members bar (boardroom) and live stream your resignation to the world.
ii) The more poetic, email ALL in the style of your boss’s motivational rants. Make sure to finish with “Any questions, please shout!”
If you’re a true pro, you’ll have enough time to leave selfies of yourself in hard to reach places around the office.
The crack in Gull’s desk.
Underneath the water machine.
Behind the cistern in the ladies.
Use your imagination.
And if all that fails, just quit through the medium of interpretive dance before the Top Biller’s announced.
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