There are few times in life you get to say what you want.
I mean, truly what you want.
Unless you’re Larry David, and can meander through life happily creating mass destruction, you’ll need some control.
Even when you do say exactly what you want, regret often follows.
Your other half’s friends may well be vacuous and annoying.
But as they all pour over your scathing evaluation on the group chat, you’ll wish you’d kept schtum.
Your boss might well be a useless tw*t who doesn’t know their arse from their elbow.
But they still pay your commission. And definitely promote their favourites.
Your old Facebook school friends, who you’ve not seen in 20 years, might have f*ck ugly kids….but no one wants to point that out.
Or at least no one with a conscience.
So, I’ve detailed the journey of my self-control to help you in your own life.
Now, you’d be tempted from this first email to go for the jugular.
Especially when you consider this is one of my best clients and HR (in the 5 years I’ve been working with them) have never got involved. Other than to thank me for the gift baskets obviously.
Of course, that won’t win you many friends. And, much like the mail I received last week, will probably beckon the beginning of the end for the relationship.
To steer the right course, try taking a deep breath before responding.
Think about all the good HR do. Think about the cakes. And the ‘welcome to the business’/’with much regret’ emails.
Think about all the health and safety violations you’d incur if they weren’t there. Makes you shudder doesn’t it…
Now obviously whilst less combatting, this email may still ruffle a few feathers. Regardless of how flimsy their reasoning for nosing around in unwanted places.
So this is my advice for creating the perfect response, which will move the process along, without losing friends.
1. Push your chair slowly under your desk and leave the office.
2. Go and find a wall.
3. Shout at the wall.
4. Call it names. Get really nasty. Insult its appearance. Rinse its structure. Call out its pathetic attempt at doing anything other than being a wall.
5. If you’re hard enough (like me), punch it.
6. Come back to the office feeling thankful for the experience and ask your Resourcer to type this…
You’re now ready to go out into the world. Without the slightest worry of upsetting anyone.
NB. Bear in mind, you’re still a recruiter, your very existence will upset a few people.
Use: “As per my last email”
Instead of: “WHY DON’T YOU READ MY F*CKING EMAIL?!”
Use: “Kind regards”
Instead of: “Go f*ck yourself”
Instead of: “This is a colossal waste of everyone’s time!”
Use: “Shall we talk about this in the meeting?”
Instead of: “I’m going to have a breakdown if I have to answer your irrelevant questions twice”
Use: “Just wanted to follow up”
Instead of: “YOU STILL HAVEN’T READ MY F*CKING EMAIL!!”
Use: “Let me know if there’s anything else you need”
Instead of: “I’ve given you everything any person on earth could ever want or need”
Use: “Thanks for your email”
Instead of: “I was more thankful for my last bout of norovirus than I am to see you touching base”
Use: “Given the circumstances”
Instead of: “Because of your monumental balls up, this is literally the only option”
P.s. If you really want to become a true adult, and take your professionalism to the next level… this article is the most comprehensive guide you’ll find.
Consultant/ Senior Consultant at Signify Technology
Mid/Senior Interior Design Consultant at Adrem Group
Principal Consultant - Finance at Ernest Hunter Green
Lead Consultant - Communications - Temp / Contract at EMR