Ed Hunter: Stealer of Staff

There’s a certain amount of irony to be had in a recruitment company begrudging you from “stealing their staff”. Nonetheless, that’s the strange situation I found myself in recently.

This because I sent a note to a mate asking how things were going. His boss saw the message. And in no time at all I found myself knee deep in an argument with someone I’ve never met.

I seem to end up in a lot of arguments on email. Never worked out why…

From: Ed Hunter
Date: 15 November 2018 09:12
To: Toby G
Subject: How’s it going?

Easy pal,

How’s things? Gotta grab a beer soon, keep saying it but be good to see you before Xmas.

What’s the word over your way? What guarantee do I have to pay to tempt you over here? I’m desperate for a new Researcher ;-) On a serious note though, you know anyone looking? Must be able to tempt someone from your perm team?

Ed

From: Darren H
Date: 15 November 2018 09:16
To: Ed Hunter, Toby G
Subject: Re: FW: How’s it going?

Ed this is Toby’s BOSS Darren – he’s on annual leave.

Before you try stealing my staff, I suggest you do some research of your own. Toby’s probably billing MORE THAN YOU for a growing, industry-leading business.

Why would he leave us to work at the declining sh*thouse you call home?

From: Ed Hunter
Date: 15 November 2018 09:39
To: Darren H, Toby G
Subject: RE: Re: FW: How’s it going?

Hi babes,

Thanks for the note, bit weird you’ve forwarded yourself a private email from one of your staff?

Doesn’t surprise me Toby’s billing well. He’s a good recruiter. Hence why he’d be perfect for my Researcher position. It’s the usual stuff with bonuses on offer for extra-curricular activities. Things like getting my dry-cleaning. Polishing my shoes. Responding to upset idiots crying on email chains. That sorta stuff.

Can I also ask which industry you’re leading petal? Cause it ain’t one I’m party to.

Have you still got big words on your walls to help inspire the drones?

From: Darren H
Date: 15 November 2018 10:37
To: Ed Hunter, Toby G
Subject: Re: RE: Re: FW: How’s it going?

I’ve NEVER HEARD of you! You can’t be that good.

I also don’t know why you’ve been in my office, but if I find out you have I’ll DO YOU for trespassing.

And the industry we’re leading is the one we smash year after year. You can check out all the awards on our wall next time, before you’re arrested!!

From: Ed Hunter
Date: 15 November 2018 11:34
To: Darren H, Toby G
Subject: RE: Re: RE: Re: FW: How’s it going?

Did you win biggest bellend again this year? Well done chap. Heard competition was tough.

Or do you mean the awards you paid for? Hats off to the organisers of that tbf. Solid little hustle.

Btw, you might be interested in the new organic, grass fed, mountain air business I started this year. The first thing to remember is this, it’s not a Pyramid Scheme.

Also, what do you mean by “do me?”

You mean… sexually?

Expectantly yours,

Ed

From: Darren H
Date: 15 November 2018 13:09
To: Ed Hunter, Toby G
Subject: Re: RE: Re: RE: Re: FW: How’s it going?

You’d like that wouldn’t you. Wouldn’t surprise me if you putt from the rough.

And the fact you’re trying to steal my staff just goes to show how tinpot your business truly is. Try it again and I’ll report you. How does that sound?!

Conversation OVER.

From: Ed Hunter
Date: 15 November 2018 13:18
To: Darren H, Toby G
Subject: RE: Re: RE: Re: RE: Re: FW: How’s it going?

Putt from the rough? What a bizarre phrase to show your homophobia.

Unless you actually mean golf Dazza? We should have a round someday. As long as you don’t play as seriously as you play with my fragile heart.

They’re so enticing these riddles of yours. What are you going to report me for… recruitment?

You know what recruitment is right? Ask one of your team maybe?

Try whoever sits under “Expertise”. If they don’t know, Google it. Followed by ‘Recruitment Police’. I’d like to speak to them about a sexual harassment case.

From: Darren H
Date: 15 November 2018 15:36
To: Ed Hunter, Toby G
Subject: Re: RE: Re: RE: Re: RE: Re: FW: How’s it going?

You’d probably still be a virgin if we didn’t f*ck you on revenue every year. HAHAHAHA!!!

And I mean the REAL POLICE you TW*T. I have a good mate who’s a detective in the MET. Still pissing yourself?

Didn’t think so!!

From: Ed Hunter
Date: 15 November 2018 15:40
To: Darren H, Toby G
Subject: RE: Re: RE: Re: RE: Re: RE: Re: FW: How’s it going?

The weather company? Ask him the forecast for Tuesday? I’m taking your biggest client Dan round Wentworth.

From: Toby G
Date: 15 November 2018 15:57
To: Ed Hunter
Subject: Re: RE: Re: RE: Re: RE: Re: RE: Re: FW: How’s it going?

WTF mate? Don’t, I’ve got to go back to this.

From: Ed Hunter
Date: 15 November 2018 16:13
To: Darren H, Toby G, perm@******.com, contract@******.com
Subject: Real rewards, no fake awards

Dear all,

Just a note to say we’re hiring. Why would that interest you? Here’s why…

Work for us and your boss wouldn’t be a wide boy.

He wouldn’t make bizarre homophobic/golf insults in everyday conversation.

He wouldn’t sit the only female in the business underneath the word ‘DIVERSITY’ for a LinkedIn post.

He wouldn’t threaten to “DO YOU” for doing your job.

He wouldn’t make up imaginary police friends.

He’d reward you handsomely, not spunk profits on phoney awards.

He’d listen to your suggestions and never tell you to ‘smile and dial’

He wouldn’t hack your emails to start sexual fights with your mates.

Basically, he wouldn’t be Darren.

Now imagine earning more money on top, and receiving a signing-on bonus. The more imaginative and wacky your resignation from ****** the higher the number. If you film it, we’ll double it.

Give me a shout if you fancy a chat.

Ed 07*** *** ***

From: Darren H
Date: 15 November 2018 16:18
To: Ed Hunter
Subject: Re: Real rewards, no fake awards

Answer you’re f*cking phone!

From: Ed Hunter
Date: 15 November 2018 16:21
To: Darren H
Subject: RE: Re: Real rewards, no fake awards

Your*

And no. It’s poor etiquette on the green.

Ed x

From: American Golf
Date: 15 November 2018 17:00
To: Darren H
Subject: TaylorMade for you…

Dear Darren,

You simply won’t believe how much we’ve discounted our latest TaylorMade range.

Putting from the rough will be no bother at all with our new putters.

Come and try them in store today and receive a complimentary bottle of Alp Air, the new organic, grass fed, mountain air solution designed to pick up your spirits.

These deals will ‘drive’ you crazy

From: Darren H
Date: 15 November 2018 17:01
To: American Golf
Subject: Re: TaylorMade for you…

ANSWER YOUR PHONE NOW!


 Some people really haven’t got the minerals for recruitment.

Until next time.