If you’re a Recruiter, you’re an Entrepreneur. It is, of course the first thing you mentioned in your interview. It’s the basis of your LinkedIn profile and mentioned 7 times on your CV. You’re running your own business, in a business. You hustle. Day and night.
Sure, the accounts are looked after. No, you don’t have to hire or fire anyone, or worry about office moves. Yes, someone’s paying your salary. And if this doesn’t work out, you won’t be bankrupt.
But, don’t let anyone tell you you’re not an Entrepreneur.
The only thing is, you’ve overlooked some pretty basic ideas for a decent side hustle. Luckily, I haven’t…
When I first started in recruitment I thought I’d been cursed by Death. At least 50% of the candidates I put forward to interview had those closest to them die.
Without warning, without illness, they dropped like flies. I shunned friends. I stopped talking to relatives. I took my dog out the back, tied him to a post and shot him between the ears.
“It’s better this way Rufus” I wailed through teary, bloodshot eyes, reloading just to make sure.
My elderly neighbour seemed frightened, peering through her net curtain until I shouted over to assure her I was a Headhunter. That put her at ease. Though I think she went on holiday soon afterwards, as her post seems to be building up.
You can’t call a candidate out on family deaths. So, simply edit your email signature to include your Funeral Services side business and sign off every email… “With sympathy”.
You’d be surprised at how often it fits. “Congrats on your new baby, with sympathy.”
“I can’t make the interview I’m afraid, my dog’s been taken ill”
Given my adoration for animals and penchant for euthanasia this would be the perfect money maker alongside my recruitment hustle. Also, if you’ve taken my advice above, it’s actually a one-stop-shop of recruitment services.
Get the candidate to interview.
‘Take care’ of the dog.
Bury the dog.
Place the candidate.
This one just makes sense. There’s a gaping hole in the life of your happy candidate.
But wait, look who’s just bought a pet shop? Also, think of all the ‘leads’ jokes you can now make to newbies.
You’ll be the funniest f**ker in the office. You know what’s not funny though?
The better your candidates’ cars work, the stronger the chance they’ll get to their interviews. The higher the probability your contractors will get to work. The more money you make.
Also, just on the off chance you don’t actually vet the candidates you hire for the garage, there’s a nice overlap into your first side business again.
You mutter the phrase “F**k it that’ll do” when formatting someone’s CV. You might as well mutter it while bodging the weld on a ‘cut and shut’.
Everyone knows the position of the moon on the day you’re born, defines who you are.
You could be from a tribe in the Amazon; a small Inuit village just outside the North Pole; a woman who identifies as furniture or a hard-nosed Recruitment Manager from Slough… a Scorpio’s a Scorpio.
And because Scorpio’s have an affinity for being strong-willed, they bloody love an an accurate deal forecast.
What’s great for predicting the completely f**king impossible?
Elon Musk, a man who’s as likely as anyone to save the world, has started a side business selling flamethrowers, and no one seems to have questioned it.
I know he lives in America and they’re all about the guns over there, but flamethrowers?
I can’t think of one legitimate reason to own a flamethrower. But that doesn’t mean people won’t buy them.
Given how much we piss off the general population by merely existing, what’s your strategy when an angry candidate knocks down the door threatening to light up the place?
This business just makes sense. You could collab with TM Lewin? Maybe do stab-proof waistcoats? Loafers with flick knife accessories. World war three’s around the corner.
Fail to prepare… prepare to be burnt alive.
I remember a while ago when anthrax was all the rage.
Seems to have died off a bit now. Which is a shame. But you know what’s just as irksome?
Any time somebody wrongs you, which will happen hourly, send them a glitter bomb.
“Oh, look, a lovely hand addressed card. How lov…” KABOOM! *GLITTER EVERYWHERE*
Yes, you’re likely to lose some profit getting high on your own supply, but they’ll also be in high demand from your colleagues too.
Senior Consultant/Mentor (f/m/d) at Austin Fraser & Austin Vita
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