Ed Hunter: Recruitment With a Vengeance

Writing these articles for Hunted means I can vent from a place of safety.

I can call people out, take people down, big them up, all from a position of anonymity. Goes well with an app based around being anonymous, I guess.

But in normal life I don’t have that luxury.

Like you, I’m just a regular recruiter, taking on the world, one placement at a time.

But there are demons in me.

A devil on my shoulder. In truth, the angel on the opposing shoulder’s a complete push over.

So temptation overpowers me.

It’s the very reason one of my clients who didn’t pay me, once received a pound of flesh from an unknown benefactor. Absolutely no idea who sent it.

Sure, it’s a little coincidental, I’ll admit.

But these little gifts often work their way to deserving customers. And how can I write about stuff like this and get away with it?

Anonymity. 

And if you’re careful, you can do the same… just try not to be as petty as I am.

Think of all the people in your life currently pissing you off. Yeah, it’s probably a big list. Rival agencies. The new overly familiar Director. The Training Manager who seems to get stuck on repeat.

Here’s a list of things you definitely shouldn’t do to those who’ve wronged you…

Ed Hunter Bag of Dicks

Who wouldn’t open this box? Pretty much everyone. In fact, if addressed to you, you’re going to open it, even if it’s not your birthday. Right?

Well, the senders of this lovely little box fill it with edible dicks. 

Yep. You read right. A box, full to the brim, of dicks. All so your friend/loved one/colleague or client can chow down whenever they so wish. They might even share them with friends?

People helping people.

Click here to get in on the action.

Now, obviously, despite the shape, this is a pretty gentle start. Firstly, the dicks probably taste a lot like Haribo, or another, easily available gelatine based sweet.

But you know what doesn’t taste sweet…

Glitter

And you can send your ‘enemy’ a bomb of exploding glitter right here.

If you’re being stealthy, you can do this from the same cloak of anonymity I, and every Hunted user enjoys. But where’s the fun in that?

What you’ll want to do with this one, is sign it from their other half. You don’t even have to know their name. Just…

“Have a lovely day darling. All my love.”

“oh what a great choice I’ve made with this partner of mine” the smug recipient will blush.

And then…

Kaboom

For the win here, include a note hinting for them to open somewhere the glitter can leave a lasting impression.

A cute note saying “Sensitive babe, open in car” will snazz up their outfits for years to come. Whether they want to or not.

Enhance your explosive personality, here.

Screen Shot 2018-08-01 at 11.33.02

Everyone loves a scented candle.

Especially for those tender romantic moments.

The beauty of this candle shop is, the candles start out smelling like Apple Pie. Or Vanilla. Or Balsam and Cedar. And then turn into something a lot worse.

This on in particular, turns to fart.

Sure to ruin your enemy’s most treasured moments. But the best part of this prank is, it takes 1-2 hours for the scent to turn. So, their blame will almost certainly not be the candle when the air starts turning blue.

A real breath of fresh air in the prank game.

And now, a gift with instant impact

Sure, sending a slowly turning scented candle will slowly sour the mood. But it lacks the smack in the face a glitter bomb packs.

To take your enemy on a more instant journey of aromas, try www.sendshit.co.uk.

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There are plenty of luxurious products to choose from. Namely, the product of a stable vegetarian diet, consumed by a horse, pig, cow or donkey.

The boxes are obviously anonymous and even come with a pretty bow.

Mmmmmmm… breathe it in. Smells like mean spirit. 

Go Off-Piste

There is of course, no reason to use an affiliated website for all of these. You can get creative with any ‘present’ you send your enemy.

Now, I’m not suggesting you start shitting in boxes, because I know Ed Hunter readers are a bit classy for all that.

But if you’ll excuse me using a terrible expression…

Why not ‘think outside the box’?

And by that I mean, think what happens when they unpack the box. Most likely, they’re going to be in the office. A busy office. On a busy desk. And given they don’t know what’s inside their mystery box, the excitement at will be obvious.

You know which companies use discreet packaging by nature?

Sex toy companies.

And regardless of gender, opening a huge ‘instrument’ in full view of a baying crowd is always funny. Plus, the choice of puns for your accompanying note will be HUGE.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Ed Hunter Never Ending Birthday Card

EVERYONE loves a birthday.

And knowing your enemy’s birthday will mean they’re overly accepting of presents, cards and pleasantries.

The card above is one of those cutesie little numbers that plays a tune. You know, like Happy Birthday. In a tone so high it drives dogs crazy, and anyone else who owns ears.

Luckily in most cases, they stop once you close the card.

This one doesn’t.

It carries on.

And on.

And on.

For 3 HOURS straight.

If you work in different office to your enemy. This is the card you’ll be sending from now on.

Boss a little crabby this week?

Crab on Beach

Sending a dead fish in a box could be as heavy hitting on the nose as some of the above.

But it’s a bit cliché isn’t it?

I’d like to offer you an alternative… but it comes with a caveat…

If you send this parcel to one of your enemies, any recompense you receive is fair. Including legal action. A punch in the face. Or worse. And I don’t endorse it. That said, it’s quite a doozy.

crabrevenge.com will send a box of lice, anonymously to an enemy.

*OBVIOUS* WARNING: If you send this to an ex, and you do the unthinkable of ‘going there’ again, you’ll only have yourself to thank, as you both sit in the clinic, remorseful and itchy.

Bit strong?

OK, that last one’s a bit fishy maybe.

For the weaker stomached amongst you, here’s a website that’ll send a brick, or a potato, with a cute message written on it.

Fairly weird, but made more so, by the message you choose. The creative amongst you will go for a pun. But nothing beats a classic.

“Everyone thinks you’re a tw*t”

Written on a potato, delivered to someone’s desk, is quite a statement.

Tena for Men

Get ’em on the list

What with GDPR now in full force, everyone in the world’s a little more protective over the information they give out. And obviously, you only sign up to mailing lists if you’re interested in the product.

Items like ‘incontinence pants’ arriving in the post can only have been ordered by the unfortunate sufferer.

And they’re a good option. But it only hits home once.

Signing your enemy up to regular emails from embarrassing websites will mean they receive a weekly reminder someone out there hates them.

“But who?”

They’ll ponder as they delete yet another email from Saga Funeral Services.

If you’ve got access to your Director’s credit card for the bar bill on Friday, and you’re on the way out, make haste and get that free Parker Pen delivered for Monday.

Along with an Over 50 plan, they’re not quite ready for.

Ed Hunter Krispy Kremes

And for (just) desserts

There’s not a single office in the world that won’t rattle through a selection of Krispy Kremes or Dominos in five minutes.

The beauty of this delivery is its personal touch.

Simply, buy the food stuff you think will be eaten the quickest and take back to your desk. Then, carefully glaze said item with the strongest laxative on the market.

Leave time to soak.

And deliver.

Technically speaking, this could be constituted as poisoning, so, just for the lawyers, I’m not suggesting you do this. But, you could.

If the object of your detest is numerous, but closely located (the perm desk for example) it’s the gift that keeps on giving.


And for another week, I bid you adieu

Keep it real.

Ed.