Ed Hunter: Recruiter STRIKE

Talks boiled over yesterday at the general meeting of the Recruiters Union chaired by industry kingpins. Unfortunately several key issues remained unchallenged and the motion for a global recruitment strike has now been carried.

Commuters in central London were forced to wade through strewn ‘industry standard’ terms of 15% that littered the streets, interspersed by CVs thrown from top drawers all over the city.

A baying mob wielding branded umbrellas, hurled stress balls, ignited with lighter fluid at candidates and clients who seemed to be using HR Coordinators as human shields. At one point, using military level teamwork, leather meeting folders were fashioned into a ‘roman shield wall’ in a pincer movement winning back key parts of the city.

As news of the strike filtered through live global news-feeds, cities the world over followed suit.

Unofficial recruitment couturier T.M Lewin was forced to shut its doors early to avoid looting up and down the country.

James Caan added weight to the argument by suggesting Recruiters were sick of having their profession muddied on social forums. Unavailable for comment, his ghost writer said: “We’re sick of having our profession muddied on social forums.”

The Head of TFL and London tube workers backed the call for industry action stating “We’ll walk out over anything. The last time was because the caviar in the canteen wasn’t sustainably sourced so I can understand the frustration. Thankfully both our caviar and foie gras is now provided by Fortnum & Mason.”

A list of demands has been written on the top of the Walky Talky, using the oil from candidate’s ‘broken’ cars including a new motto:

“I am a Recruiter. I provide a valuable service. I have a USP (just don’t ask me what it is) & I will not devalue the role of a Recruitment Consultant by giving in to your ludicrous demands!!!”Ed Hunter Roman Shields

LinkedIn news-feeds across the globe were overnight awash with positive, feel good stories about Recruiters. One candidate in Florida held up flowers sent in to her “for being a great candidate”.

In Melbourne, one hiring manager said they’d only be working to 35% exclusive terms on jobs in the hope of luring a junior level Researcher.

It’s believed talks are under way for clients to negotiate their way onto Recruiter’s PSLs, though many are saying a Recruitment freeze “for the foreseeable” is likely to make placements this year unlikely.

Mitch Sullivan has called for calm adding clients should be “inventive, non-pushy and strive to work on a retained basis with the best Recruiters” if they hope to be successful in staffing their businesses in 2017.

Minister of State for Employment Damien Hinds MP called the advice progressive adding employers had a responsibility to make sure their Recruiters were well looked after.  Especially with the lack of free movement creating a possible skills shortage post Brexit.

OK, obviously none of this is true. But it could be.

We could actually do this… but we won’t. Some time within the first hour of the agreed ‘walkout’ some bright spark would sneak in and jump all over those desperate clients, left behind by the idiots on strike!

Maybe we should all try and leave contingency behind and spark a retained revolution? That’s a nice thought. Guaranteed results.

Until then, I’ll just get back on the phone. And leave you with this thought…

To take ‘me’ out of ‘recruitment’ means you’ve got a ‘tru cretin’ on your hands.