I talk a fair amount about job ads. I see a few honest ones occasionally. The rest are full of soundbites and buzzwords that every job in the world needs their incumbent to have.
“Must have good phone manner.”
YOU DON’T F**KING SAY.
Do you think someone’s going to be put off or encouraged in their application upon reading that?
No one’s paying attention. Why’s it there? Did you actually think about it?
“Oh, I was really looking for a job where mumbling was encouraged. Have you got anything there?”
Here’s some other nonsensical garbage I read on the regs.
You know who wants to fail? Nobody. Nobody likes failing. If you’re advertising for a job and start writing ‘drive to succeed’ as a pre-requisite, please also consider ‘likes breathing’ and ‘has head’.
If you need someone to speak fluently, write the job ad in that language. You’ll already know the person can do what you’re asking of them.
Sehr gut, und sprechen sie deutsch?
“Sorry I didn’t call back, I’d been speaking into the dog for the last 25 minutes. Didn’t even notice. Should still be fine for this job though, given you didn’t ask for Excellent Communication skills, just good.”
“Oh, you want me to be on time? I’ve never done that before, but I could always learn on the job?”
“Have you got anything where the phone doesn’t ring? I just HATE the general public, to be honest.”
Everyone thinks they have a good sense of humour. You don’t need to write it. Just meet them and find out for yourself. You’ll also know whether they’re honest and good at self analysis too.
Most recruiters work on commission. Therefore, most probably aren’t keen to start things slow and see how it goes. This is a job, not a new love interest.
I’m passionate about a lot of things. Top of that list? Not seeing words like passionate on job ads. Followed closely by having a home, having nice things and doing stuff. Which in turn increases my passion for work.
“I can definitely be counted on to come in. Because I really like counting commission.”
“Yeah the job spec fits quite well apart from the integrity thing. Am I still able to work with you if I have none? It’s nothing major. Just a regular urge to steal and show no decency in anything I do.”
“Yes, I can do things on my own. Like the first time I lost my virginity. That was all me. That still counts right?”
“I work really well in a team. Providing I’m not trying to sabotage them. Which to be honest happens a fair amount.”
“I never apologise. I’m sorry but that’s just the way I am.”
Keep it real folks.
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