Ed Hunter: Little Miss Headhunter

If you’re British, Roger Hargreaves is a bit of a legend. His creations are as much a part of your childhood as regular beatings and repressed early trauma. And there’s a Mr Men or Little Miss character for most occasions.

Of course, to a degree, Roger Hargreaves was merely stereotyping his friends and family. A discriminator. A man who saw just one quality in someone, and took them to the cleaners.

A racial profiler.

OK, that might not be 100% true. But tarring people with one brush is what shot our Roger to fame. And that’s exactly what most recruiters fall foul of.

So, if you can fit time in before selling your own Mother, here are some more stereotypes.

Little Miss Lucky

Little Miss Lucky

Little Miss Lucky is one of the luckiest people around. She’s very, very lucky. Wherever she is, there’s a chance she’ll be in a corner, getting lucky. Clients and candidates love her. And she’ll often rub off on them. Lucking day and night. This means lots of meetings. And because there’s lots of meetings, there’s lots of deals.

What’s that banging in the stationery cupboard? It’s Little Miss Lucky of course. Finding a new pen, cause hers has run dry from all those deals.

Mr Bump

Mr Bump

Mr Bump is always in trouble. There’s always a black eye, or sore knuckles, and a tall story as to the reason. Mr Bump is incredibly unfortunate. None of his accidents are ever his fault. He was most likely defending the honour of a woman. A woman who neither needed or wanted her honour defended.

Got a bad head and need something medicinal? Just ask Mr Bump. He’ll know what to do.

Little Miss Inventor

Little Miss Inventor

Little Miss Inventor is incredibly clever. You’d think with that intelligence she’d invent a recruitment machine, or a new kind of robot. Instead she just invents meetings and placements like there’s no tomorrow. Her job history looks like a who’s who of desperation and she strangely only sticks around for a year at each. She’s also able to invent different reasons for moving on, each time.

How clever Little Miss Inventor. How clever indeed.

Mr Tickle

Mr Tickle

Mr. Tickle has extraordinarily long arms, all the better for tickling with! 50% arms, 50% mischief. Of course this didn’t stand up as a defence at his recent sexual misconduct tribunal. Mr Tickle found himself in front of a female judge, facing a four-stretch where arms like his would need beefing up considerably to stop unwanted attention.

50% arms + 50% mischief = 100% of a pervy old recruiter who misses the good old days of patriarchy and punching kids.

Little Miss Sunshine

Little Miss Sunshine

“Happy Monday everyone!” gleams Little Miss Sunshine as she inexplicably finds something to be cheery about amongst the doom and gloom of another week in this hell hole. You’ll often find the world’s golden girl being ridiculously happy for candidates who turn down her offers – “oh that sounds like a darling job” she squeaks.

Smiling for no reason. Skipping to the kitchen. Hugging colleagues she’s not seen since Friday. A laugh so high-pitched only the office dog can hear it. And even he’s sick of it.

Let’s not piss ourselves with excitement just yet Little Miss Sunshine, it’s raining, it’s Tuesday and I’m far too hungover.

Mr Impossible

Mr Impossible

Nothing’s impossible for Mr Impossible. He lives the life others dream of and seems to know everyone in the world. “Guess who was out dancing with Beyonce at the weekend?” lies Mr Impossible. He’ll do another 6 deals this month, and to celebrate, it’s beers on the terrace with Heidi Klum, who’s one of those annoying exes he just can’t seem to shake.

Nothing’s impossible for Mr Impossible. Apart from telling the truth it seems.

Mr Busy

My Busy

Mr Busy just can’t stop rushing around. He’s so incredibly busy, he paces and strides, at all times. What have you got on Mr Busy? “Oh so much, I don’t even know where to begin” he’ll rattle. Always on the phone, yet despite his fervour, never seems to do any deals. It’s highly likely, Mr Busy is friends with Mr Bump.

Just because you’ve got a briefcase doesn’t mean you’re important, Mr Busy. You look old and irrelevant. And not in a Werther’s Original kind of way. In a ‘why are you still employed’ kind of way.

Little Miss Helpful

Little Miss Helpful

Little Miss Helpful’s worst nightmare is becoming a recruiter. She sees how hard you all work, and wow, what a lot of effort. “I just like being part of the machine to help realise people’s dream” she eeks. Even if that’s by making sure I’m the best darn photocopier this side of the River Thames.

You’re not even that Little Miss Helpful. But you do help me to remain chipper about my own existence.

Mr Worry

Mr Worry

Mr Worry is a constant worrier. He apologises for things that haven’t happened and asks far too many questions. Meetings take twice as long with Mr Worry. The boss has started avoiding him and only allows him a maximum of 1 hour per week for sporadic worry meetings.

“What if I don’t hit target?” he worries. “What if they leave in their rebate?” he worries. “What if you keep asking my inane f**king questions” snaps the boss.

Mr Worry will always be Mr Worry. But he’s also got other names: Questions, What if, Not now, F Off, Raincheck and Fret

Little Miss Magic

Little Miss Magic

Little Miss Magic has a knack for pulling deals out of nowhere. Like all greats of magic, she has a faithful assistant who’s sadly not very bright. This makes them naturally gifted for a Resourcer. Her forecasts sound like they’re written by Mr Worry. They’re not, it’s just all part of the set up before she gets bags of commission and then disappears into thin air.

Like most magicians, no one trusts or likes Little Miss Magic in any way. Still, can always magic up some new friends while travelling I guess.

Mr Brave

Mr Brave

Have no fear, Mr Brave is here. He has no hesitation in questioning the boss’s antics. He doesn’t mind grassing up Mr Tickle for sexual harassment. And he’ll shop Mr Bump in, with little to no regard for personal safety. Mr Brave’s the nerdy, do gooder you both like and hate. He probably won’t last long, but you’ll all miss his ill-advised bravery when he’s gone.

Who’s that over spending on the Directors card with reckless abandon? Oh, it’s Mr Brave of course.

Mr Lazy

Mr Lazy

Mr Lazy spends a lot of time doing nothing. He doesn’t even hide it. In fact, he’s proud of his laziness, because it means he’s achieving his goals. He has two Resourcers now, and as long as he maintains his billings is happy not trying any harder. If the toilet smells like Amsterdam before lunch, Mr Lazy’s probably your man.

The one thing Mr Lazy’s good for is an easy way to do something. Don’t want to pay for LinkedIn Recruiter? He knows a hack. He’ll send over a Resourcer later to show you how.

Mr Grumble

Mr Grumble

Grumble. Grumble. Grumble. Look at that face, he’s already sick of your shit! And you’ve not even told him the worst news yet. There are a few jobs Mr Grumble might have. 1. Internal recruitment. 2 Accounts. 3 Cleaner.

“Urrrgh, look. I haven’t got time for this today.” Grumbles Mr Grumble. “You said that yesterday Mr Grumble!” you protest. But it’s too late. He’s already walked off.