Ed Hunter: KPIs for the Experienced Recruiter


Ed Hunter here.

A Recruiter with quite a few years’ experience.

I wasn’t always like this though. I had dreams once. Hopes. Career aspirations. Lofty motivations that would no doubt see me solve world hunger or put an end to wars. While I’m waiting for that kind of thing to land on my lap however, I’ve notched up quite a few years of recruiting.

I don’t want to say I’ve got mileage, ’cause I’m not that old. But, I do know what I’m doing.

And because of that I know the KPIs that will make you into a top biller. You know how, in some companies (not yours obviously, yours is ‘bespoke and truly consultative in its approach’) they put in blanket KPIs that will ensure you’re ‘doing stuff’.

You know the companies I’m talking about… where a Director will softly and strategically suggest that unless you do 3 hours on the phone they’re going to put your dog to sleep. That sorta place.

So, I’ve detailed some of the KPIs you’ll need to be hitting to make sure your sanity’s intact at the end of a hard week’s ‘cruiting.

Here they are…

One LinkedIn Argument per week

If you’re not arguing on LinkedIn, you’re doing it wrong. In an ideal world, you’ll find someone who’ll bring up racism or sexism. That’s how you know it’s gone far enough you can be in the majority.

Finding an argument before it’s reached maturity is great, but then you’ll have to wait for everyone to cotton on. This might be good if you’ve got nothing on but can be a bit of a drain on your time.

“Looking to hire HR Manager. Female only. Ideally white. Middle class preferred. MUST have a background in bigotry and excellent grasp of wide range of prejudices. Capricorns need not apply. £40k pa.”

*cracks knuckles* riiiiiiightttt… here we go.

Four levels on a game per week

If you sit on the sh*tter at work and aren’t tempted to nip into Sonic/CandyCrush/Mario/DinoHunter/Tetris… are you even a Recruiter?

Equally, because you’re goal orientated (like you wrote on that CV you did once) you really need to set targets to hit. Otherwise you won’t enjoy it as much.

Here’s the process…

Enter toilet.

Note the time.

Play until you kill the boss.

Hit flush.

Check watch.

Repeat if necessary (or no one’s knocked).

One family call per day

To qualify this, I’m not talking about softly checking in with the other half. You can do that continuously throughout depending on how far your leash stretches.

You’ve got a blower in front of you that offers free international calls. So, use it.

Remember your uncle Tito in Chile? God, he’s a legend. Give him a bell. Find out how his Alpacas are coming on. Get into a deep and meaningful with your Nan. She won’t be around forever and you know she loves hearing from you. If you can keep a straight face when you say your “true passion lies in filling Accountancy roles” you can ask your Nan what she’s knitting at the moment.

Prank a newb (one per week)

You don’t want to be considered a bully in the office. Equally, you don’t want to be a pushover. The baptism of fire you get in recruitment is a valuable asset. It helps you deal with the crushing rejection you face daily from there on in. So one a week’s probably the right amount.

“The boss wants to see you in the boardroom. Said take your bag.” The classics are normally timeless.

This article will tell you all you need to know.

Work out your commission (one per week)

I’m not talking about the commission you’re going to get. You don’t need me to tell you to do that.

What you really want to be doing is working out the commission you could have got. Find out the deficit. Calculate the life you could be living if you were operating at a job to placement ratio of 1:1.

Follow this up with a really hefty day-dream where you don’t break focus for a good five minutes. It’s been proven day-dreaming is actually beneficial for you. So make it a day-dream worth having.

“Could we fit a helipad on the roof?”

 “Go” to a networking event (one per month)

As I write this article, I’m sat at a networking event. Am I networking? No. I’m writing. But my boss thinks I’m networking.

My boss also doesn’t know I’m Ed Hunter so… the first lie’s barely scratching the surface.

Here’s how you maintain this one. Go for an hour, early doors. You need a day event. Night ones aren’t going to break your week up. Equally, always go mid-week. Ideally in a location close, but not too close to the office. You don’t want a legitimate reason to have to head back for the afternoon. Rally round before the crowds and be whoever the person on the stand wants you to be.

“Ohhhhh yeah, I’ve heard of you guys. We could be looking at something like this. Have you got anything I can take away to look at?” Watch the free sh*t come rolling in. Fill up your backpack. Swan off.

Then it’s a liquid lunch in the local, before heading home. Safe in the knowledge you’re a really good networker.

One sack of nuts (per week)

Head to your nearest CostCo or wholesalers and buy one of those bags of nuts normally used to feed elephants. Keep this by your desk and rattle through them as quickly as you can. Firstly, this means you’ll need to drink more water. Which means more trips to the kitchen.

But secondly, the more regular you are, the more sh*ts you’ll need to take. And you should be aiming for 4 a day.

Not because it’s healthy. Just because it’ll mean a higher daily accomplishment on Sonic and greater job satisfaction at the end of the month.