Because of my tireless journalistic professionalism, you’ll know I stop at nothing to solve the thorny issues in recruitment on a weekly basis.
That’s why you’ll have read this piece where I pondered If Dogs Were Recruiters, what would they look like?
Or this article about The Recruitment Timeline.
I also wrote one about the similarities between recruitment and feudalist Europe, but I really misjudged my audience there…
You see, this blog isn’t just a fun way to spend 5 minutes when you’re supposed to be on the phone.
It’s a lesson in observation.
A gospel to live your life by.
A manifesto, if you like, with dedicated research for facing this tricky job, head on.
We’re just over half way through the year.
We’re also just over half way through the Ashes.
There’s still plenty to do for both cricket teams.
And you’ll still have to produce a cricket score to hit your yearly target.
This lad could barge into your home on Christmas Day, sh*t on the dinner table and you’d still be preparing a dowry for your youngest.
If you’re up against an impossible target, just to stay on even terms with ‘Perm’, Stokesy will single handedly get you there. And make everyone look good at the same time.
He did get arrested a while back, but it was for defending someone’s honour.
There’s rumours kicking around he’s in for a special commendation from the CEO. Some are calling for a statue of him in the foyer.
Whatever happens you can be sure it won’t go to his head. Just sit back and watch Ben’s masterful strokes and relentless delivery, when all seems lost.
David was once well thought of, he won a huge client and took the top spot in the biz.
He accepted the award, and celebrated wildly. But then the boss realised he’d been fabricating phone times, and rubbing colleagues up the wrong way.
Davo’s trying his best to overcome the bad press, but it’s clearly affecting his performance.
He’s blanked the last 12 months, and is sailing towards a performance review.
In reality it’s not his fault. The dodgy practices he employed were once common place. Sure, his competitors were doing the same thing in 2005. But it’s not 2005 any more Dave.
Call tampering’s just not cricket.
Stevo’s the sort of bloke who’d sleep with the boss’s mrs and end up with a promotion, because he performed so well.
Smith’s knowledge of his field is second to none, and his wizardry on the blower conjures memories of the masterful Michael Clarke, whose patch he inherited.
Weirdly, Smith was also caught red handed cheating the books.
Unlike Davo however, he’s risen above the snide LinkedIn comments and just got on with it, making him a ‘force majeure’ on the sales board.
When this guy walks in, it’s business time.
Can do virtually no wrong.
And it’s advisable he doesn’t, lest he makes Little Davo cry again… “Waaahhhhh…”
I mean honestly, there’s no brighter beacon of hope on the first day of the month than Mr Root.
His forecasts are huge.
Sadly, 99% of the time they’re also wildly inaccurate.
Sometimes, he delivers. Normally in the form of appreciative clapping from the gantry.
The groans of disappointment from his colleagues when deals fall out, predictably very early in the month, are getting hard to ignore.
Joe’s probably handing in his notice after his next deal falls out.
Nath, or Garry as he’s known by his colleagues due to a dodgy fake LinkedIn profile he uses to ruse clients, is a solid all round performer.
Sadly, he isn’t averse to a huge deal slipping through his fingers at the last minute.
If there’s no pressure, you want this lad in your corner. He’s a great professional and keeps his nerve, with the constant twiddling of a fidget spinner.
If you need a solid performance, Nath’s your man.
If it’s ‘backs against the wall’, he’ll probably fold like a classic English crumble.
Jack isn’t anything special. And you’d think having to stop and clean his glasses every 3 minutes might annoy you after a while.
If not that, then him failing to put numbers on the board might?
Make no mistake though, this lad practically invented the phrase ‘Back to basics’.
Yes, he’ll look like he’s doing the bare minimum, but he’s actually highly astute.
He’ll allow his superior to run away with the leaderboard, and dominate all others.
He’s the sort of recruiter you’d take home to your mum, whilst your phone vibrated with another message from Steve Smith, your uncouth, high-billing lover.
The new boy.
Despite the business’s strict hiring policy, Jofra comes from a non-red brick university…
And yet, he’s doing darn well.
He had a huge part to play in his team reaching the Ibiza summer incentive and shows early promise in the longer form game (the annual comp).
The board will say he’s too rough. Too green. Not the finished article.
For the same reasons, his team mates, candidates and clients love him.
Hypothetically speaking, the Ashes are still up for grabs.
Want to know England’s chances of winning?
Work out your team’s chances of hitting their annual target…
Now imagine there’s only one individual bothering to try and hit it.
There you have it.
Slim, but doable.
Senior Perm & Contract Consultants - Tech Austin at Twenty Recruitment
Global Headhunter & Account Manager at Emerald Technology
Consultant - Marketing - Professional Services at EMR
Senior Recruitment Consultant at Stott and May