Ed Hunter: Imagine a World Without Recruiters

Life’s tough as a recruiter. Plenty of people wish you didn’t exist. Just ask anyone on LinkedIn.

Ask your clients’ FD? Or the last candidate annoyed by your inability to fit their square peg into a client’s round hole.

If you’re anything like me, your own parents will question your existence on a semi-regular basis.

But can you imagine a world without recruiters?

What kind of world would that be?

Lionel Hutz

Sure LinkedIn would be quieter… but at what cost?

The time occupied by 8am cold calls would suddenly be free.

Buoyed by a golden opportunity, Insurance Providers, Phone Companies and Law Firms would jump at the chance to fill the void.

Shortly after you alarm everyday you’d hear these words…

“Hi… yeah, I’m calling about the accident you were in that wasn’t your fault?”

Sales is a numbers game. And so, with the stark increase in response, a blame culture would be cultivated across the developed world.

Everyone, in every city, would simply be waiting for an accident, to land a law suit on their neighbour’s doorstep.

With a ‘blame culture’ also comes the breakdown of public harmony.

Manners and morality would become warped to the extent it became ‘everyone for themselves’ on the streets.

Mothers would struggle with pushchairs alone, for fear of being sued for damages.

Old people would incur injury, rather than ask for seats on buses.

A general tone of anger and fear would creep into every interaction.

And what about industry?

Without sh*t recruiters leaving their roles, no one would be able to buy houses.

There’d be no one to turn up to a house viewing, 28 minutes late, in a shiny suit ready to lie to about local amenities.

Real estate markets would plummet.

With no one buying houses, the world’s economies would suffer. First time buyers would instead turn to breaking in and changing locks, demanding Squatter’s rights.

And those Squatters’ rights would be intertwined with accident claims whilst ‘in residence’.

“Dear landlord,

I bruised my wrist breaking into the safe of your squat, I demand retribution. ‘Miss Becky’ told me this morning I’ve got a claim.


Your current resident.

Ps. What’s the WiFi password?”

An increase in squatters would lead to increased crime and a rise in harsher punishments for petty misdemeanours as the government desperately tried to halt rioting in major towns and ports.

With bulging prison populations, and hiring managers exasperated by CVs littered with spelling errors, police would be drafted from the streets to keep law and order in prisons.

The country’s resources would be stretched to all time highs.

Following a depletion of police on the streets, the military would be utilised as a standing army.

With ‘brutality’ the only language anyone understood, used as a final deterrent in an increasingly violent world, WANTED posters would appear on every street corner.

Rewards for snitching would come in Bitcoin, the only sustainable currency after the world’s Banks collapsed due to their inability to make a decision on two candidates EXACTLY THE SAME AS EACH OTHER in everything but name.

With the retreat of human interaction, so social media influence would grow to terrifying levels.

Mass hysteria would be a perfectly suitable way to fluctuate the price of soft goods, as high street shops closed to stop looting.

Delivery drivers from Amazon would be armed to the teeth to make their deliveries.

Packs of wild dogs would roam the streets, hunting for scraps of pigeon, and councils only able to afford one hour of street light, now the only safety mechanism for the vulnerable.

Daylight curfews would sweep the nation.

Anyone caught breaking the curfew could choose between hard labour in a now hugely profitable prison system, or face a ‘The Wall’ – a Running Man-esque fight to the death, televised on LinkedIn LIVE where users can comment on what happens next.

Can you get past the water cannons?

Will the poisoned darts kill you off before the gladiatorial battle in the final stage?

With diminishing birth rates across the world and sexual gratification now handled by robots, the world would grind to a halt in an estimated 9 years.

One Freedom Fighting Ex-Recruiter would plan their end game to include a snarky post on LinkedIn, scheduled for the day after the final meltdown.

And with that, all life with its beauty and wonder would cease to exist on Earth.

Pretty good job we exist huh?