Ed Hunter: If Dogs Were Recruiters

Dogs are better people than people. They’re constantly happy to see you. They love unconditionally. They’re a human’s best friend. Even if you’re a complete piece of sh*t, a dog still likes you.

Which is probably why so many recruitment agencies now have dogs in their office.

Everyone loves to hate a Recruiter.

Not dogs.

They love you despite the fact you’re a Recruiter.

I actually trust dogs more than a lot of people. And it’s nice to see each dog with their own job title. Head of Leads. Chief Happiness Officer. Barking Specialist.

All better job titles than anyone proclaiming to be a Guru, Ninja or Jedi.

But what if dogs actually worked in recruitment? What would that look like?

Resourcer

Jack Russell

These b*stards have virtually no idea what they’re doing. They run around with no direction and bite ankles for fun. They’ll p*ss themselves with excitement for literally no reason at all and are a constant burden.

The Jack Russell is a Recruitment Resourcer in a contingent IT recruitment office. You can try and train them but there’s next to no point.

Non-Billing Manager

German Shepherd

Happy to bark orders at will but largely misunderstood, the German Shepherd’s a Non-Billing Manager. They look scary and have enough gravitas to get things done, with no one questioning them. This is the sort of person you describe as “they’re actually alright once you know them”.

If you can get on the right side of a Non-Billing German Shepherd you’re golden. They’ll look after you and they’re great on your side. Do NOT cross them though. Their bark pales insignificant to their bite.

The CEO

St Bernard

Unapologetically overweight, a slight whiff about them and bloody loves a rum, St Bernard’s are CEOs all day long. Approachable, friendly and bloody good on a company ski trip.

Often quiet and docile, but when they start barking, there are few with the bravado to challenge. When this guy walks into the office, people pay attention.

Yes they have bad breath. But are you going to tell them? No. No you’re not.

The Friendly Perm Lifer

Golden Retriever

The most loyal and friendly of the bunch, this recruiter’s just happy to be around. They love coming into work and are happy about absolutely everything. Interview no show? Deal fallen through? The Jack Russell’s scared off their best client? It’s all opportunity. And we should just be happy to have a job.

They’ve worked here since they were a pup… why would they ever leave? Whatever idea you have for the business is just brilliant. Thanks for sharing.

The HR Manager

Standard Poolde in the snow

The new hire. You’d never thought about HR but now you’re a decent sized business, it’s about time you thought about it. So you hire Cheryl. She’s lovely and got some great ideas, if not a bit wacky.

Holding steadfast with her perm from the 80’s she’s pushing hard to get her ideas carried forward, but is up against it. A generally happy temperament but probably too ditsy for the long haul. Good luck Cheryl. Good luck.

The BD Manager

Boxer Dog

The only thing more impressive than the minimal attention span of your Boxer BD Manager is their lack of intelligence. If they see a lead, they’re gone. They won’t hear anything you’ve got to say. They don’t understand reason. They take a NO as a YES. They’ll rattle through an expense budget like they’ve won the lottery.

Your BD Manager is the winner of business. And that’s the only thing they’ll think about. Try talking to them about recruitment. They’ll see your lips move but they’re already bouncing thinking about the next adventure off site.

Head of Contract

Doberman

Head of Contract did not get to where they are now by making friends or being nice. You can stick that niceness where the sun don’t shine. The muzzle’s important because they will talk and talk and talk. But by God they’re impressive.

All you need to do with this guy is take off the leash and let them go. If you don’t fill that contract role they will. In fact they already know someone. Why aren’t you on the phone?!

The Account Manager

Border Collie

“If you want something done, do it yourself.”

This is Steph’s motto. She honed her practice at a very early age and is now managing one of the most troublesome accounts going.

She’ll round up Hiring Managers with ease no matter how sheepish. Account Managers like clear concise direction. They don’t need toing or froing. They need instruction. And they bloody love the legwork in getting it done.

Admin Assistant

portrait of a cute purebred chihuahua in a training of agility

Largely irrelevant in the office, this character’s lovely, but what do they actually do?! OK, they can make a PDF into a Word document, but it probably looks sh*t and takes double the time.

Ridiculously high pitched voice, a trot that shows they’re delicate and a 99% chance of crying in the toilet.

Everyone appreciates your effort Rebecca, we just think you might be better off in a nicer environment?

The Internal Recruiter

Screen Shot 2018-03-23 at 11.56.02

If life as an admin assistant didn’t work out, why not go in house? It’s essentially the same job, but people listen to you now. Or at least that was the hope, but they simply go above your head and straight to line.

The tiara was a nice touch, but no one’s buying it. And that smile you paint on every morning is a sad indication you’d do anything to go back to agency. Hang on in there Rebecca, there’s an opening in HR coming up in 6 months.

Learning and Development Manager

Lahsa Apso

Your L&D Manager is the most short-sighted in the business. They look pretty but there’s not much going on behind the eyes. Carries this award with them everywhere to remind you that they once recruited someone. Can’t remember who now, or how they did it. But they can certainly show you how to be better at your job.

The hair of an L&D Manager’s normally impeccable. It’s the biggest worry they have. Ask them any question you have and they’ll answer it. Just be prepared for the answer to be the same, no matter what the question is. It’s probably the upside down recruitment funnel.

Accounts Payable

Angry Rottweiler

Inwardly angry, outwardly aggressive. They have no desire to hide their aggression, because that’s how they get things done. In fact, why are you even questioning their aggression? Do you want to get this invoice paid or not? They don’t do this for fun you know.

I don’t think you realise how much work’s done behind the scenes! Oh no. It’s just “Send Gill an invoice and the magic payment fairies inflate your commission as if by magic.”

You have a total lack of respect for this department. And it’s about time someone brought you down a peg or two. You know what? Get out this office.

The Recruitment Style Guru

Menswear Dog

No one should be able to wear a suit and sunglasses and get away with it. But this dog’s not just some guy. Their top drawer’s not filled with CVs. It has four aftershaves, two moisturisers, hand cream, hairspray and an extra pair of loafers.

“You’re not going to the meeting dressed like that are you?” They scoff, pruning themselves in the mirror of the client’s lift.

The only thing more important than filling jobs is image. Thankfully he’s f**king brilliant in both departments.

The Office Manager

Lassie the dog

So incredibly attractive, you’d be forgiven for thinking that’s the only reason they were hired. But no, they’re actually very good with a simple task. Booking a restaurant. Answering the phone. Bringing in cakes on someone’s birthday. Ordering the Friday beer delivery.

“Need paracetamol? Sure, there’s loads in my desk.”

Has cutesie nicknames for everyone in the office including: chick, love, darling, babe, hun, bae, sweetie, babycakes, sweetness.

The Recruitment Meat Head

Muscle Dog

“Hey, you not eating that?”

Here’s a list of things, in order, the recruitment meat head cares about:

1) Protein

2) Meat

3) Lifting

4) Protein

5) Lean gains

6) Eating

7) Recruitment

8) Protein

9) Oi, you even lift bro?

10) Protein


Et voilà.

You’re probably one of these dogs. If you’re not, are you even a recruiter? Keep fighting the good fight everyone.

Love Ed.