There was a time recruitment meant spending 4 hours on the phone.
When rolodexes ruled the world.
When you’d rattle forty Benson & Hedges at your desk and ‘wacky tacky tie day’ was the only light relief in a 70 hour week.
This day is for the modern recruiter.
The tweeters. Generation Insta. The self-assured striders, working wireless in dressdown and face tatts. The woke. The wonderfully weird. The brilliantly bearded, viral vloggers.
To fit in, in this brave new world, you need the right tools.
You won’t find them in the stationery cupboard however. The only thing in there is Gill in Accounts, weeping into her wafer-thin ham sandwich.
This is how to tell if you’re a modern recruiter…
Every CEO in the world wants a selfie with you. If there’s no evidence they’re ‘down with the kids’, they’ll never hire millennials. And worse than that, Gen Z will say something mean about them in an encrypted Slack channel.
Good luck filling those bean bags chump.
You can exchange business cards if you’re a dinosaur. But the slickest and the sickest recruiters take selfies.
And they’re in a constant state of humble. Even while bragging.
Diversity’s more important than ever. But unless you’re coming up with your own ideas, you’re just a follower.
And no one works with a follower.
If you don’t come into work identifying as a 7 year old Golden Retriever called Robinson, you’re not trying hard enough. In fact, the stranger your identity, the better you’ll be.
“Yes, I wear a collar and yes I bark at post. But wait ’til you see me fetch CVs.”
I once ended up at a sex party with Pat Sharp, Karen Brady and the voiceover artist from the X-Factor. He brought his own PA system and introduced new members to the fray with his famous booming voice.
It all turned awkward when the CEO I was tapping up started doing his Simon Cowell routine, pulling his trousers really high and telling people he’d “Enjoyed their journey in the competition so far.”
Did I put my clothes on and go home? No.
I wiped away the tears and smears and got stuck in. Because I’m a modern-day professional and think outside the box. And in it.
Sure, it’s reductive. And yes, it’s a tough way to win business, but it got me on the PSL didn’t it?
Speaking to candidates is so 2008.
Unless you’re using words like algorithm or gamify, you’re not worth jack.
Start telling clients you’ve got an algorithm, whether you have or not.
You’ve done this to gamify recruitment, and offer tech insights alongside an already impressive AI function which works alongside Big Data, linking to the cloud and revolutionary machine learning system, managed through the Internet of Things.
It’s recruitment 2.0.
It’s 2018. To work with a client, you need to be the client.
They go to rallies for the alt-right? So do you.
Their daughter’s struggling at school? So’s yours. If you haven’t got one, make one up. And make her a slow learner.
“Oh, you’ve had a bereavement in the family? I’m so sorry to hear that, me too actually. Can I call you back in 10?”
If you’re an average recruiter, your invoices are paid ‘on start’.
If you’re a good recruiter, your invoices are paid ‘on acceptance’.
If you’re a modern recruiter, you get it paid before the full moon or the blessings of Jupiter. Whichever comes first.
And get creative with the probation periods. Once they’ve arranged their first group yoga class, it’s down to 50%. If they reach Stage Two in their meditation journey, ‘Overcoming Mind-Wandering’ probation’s over.
Sure, you’ll it lose all by 11am. But you can win it back in the futures market, betting against the client. Because your candidate was meditating instead of doing their job.
Ahhh the future…
These are just basics, so I’ll rattle through them.
i) Even if you’re not busy, every LinkedIn post will state you are. Ideally via self-filmed vlog, in a city, walking, with the intro “Hey guys. Been so busy this week…” *brushes hand through hair* “urrrm…”
ii) Everything’s a lesson. An opportunity to brag online. A message from above. A raison d’être. Thank God you’re here to share with us.
iii) You lead thoughts. Mostly, you plagiarise other people’s thoughts. But you write them differently. Maybe throw in an expletive to show off your humble beginnings.
iv) You fix a client’s chakra before an interview and use your online Feng Shui course to improve the energy of the room.
v) You only speak to candidates when you’re in the right state of mental flow. If that flow doesn’t come, you go home. Because, flexible working.
So, are you a modern recruiter?
Are you going to live-stream your day on Snapchat? Can you offer musings to Alexa who’ll dutifully tweet to the masses?
Hey, maybe I could come on your podcast? I’d really love that.
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