I was browsing LinkedIn the other day, looking for HOT candidates. Little did I know I was soon to be the candidate.
It happened as soon as I saw it.
A job ad.
The one thing I’d been looking for.
I didn’t even know I was looking for it. But when you know, you know. You know?
When something this monumentally exciting comes up, you rethink everything.
“HOT Desk available” read the ad. “UNCAPPED commission for an Industry leading company. The fastest growing in the country.”
*click here to see more*
You better believe I clicked it. Ed Hunter doesn’t let fantastic opportunities like that go to waste.
Then I realised.
It was an ad for my own company. Replacing the guy who just walked cause there wasn’t enough of a market. The desk’s not HOT. It’s not even tepid.
The thing is, people in charge of internal recruitment typically don’t have a f**ing clue about advertising. It’s impossible to tell one ad from another. Let alone the company behind the ad.
EVERY desk in the world’s HOT. So, how do you tell which ones are actually hot?
To tell, you need to use every single one of your senses.
The first indication a desk’s not HOT is how it’s advertised. If the Internal Rec uses the words ‘fantastic’ or ‘HOT’… desk’s not hot fam.
They might be. Given Directors’ penchant for hiring stunners.
So by all means go for a coffee to ‘confidentially discuss the market’. But don’t be let in by their friendly grin.
When in the office, look at the carpet. If it’s worn out behind the desk, it’s HOT.
Winners don’t sit down to close deals. They pace. Constantly. In a continuous circle. Emphasising their status as KING OF THE OFFICE.
There are many smells that indicate a HOT desk.
Firstly, the top drawer should smell of aftershave or perfume. A disgusting concoction of sickly aromas. It’ll sting your nostrils and have the whiff of a tart’s handbag.
The swivel chair should smell too.
If the previous Consultant didn’t piss themselves with excitement every other day, it’s not HOT. Bear in mind, if there’s no visible stain, they were well hydrated.
No top biller in the history of recruitment’s ever had enough water.
Here’s the mantra: If the stain’s yellow, successful fellow. No stain visible, total imbecile.
The mug from the leaver should still be on the desk. Lick it. If it tastes of coffee, whisky and numbs your tongue. You’re quids in.
Don’t stop there though. Kneel down and give the carpet a good old tonguing.
It should taste of champagne. Specifically Dom Perignon. If it’s anything cheaper, walk out. And if you can’t tell the difference you ‘re too junior anyway.
I’m not going to say anything as obvious as the desk should actually be HOT. That’s ridiculous.
But do fondle the charred remains of the previous Consultant. If they’re warm to the touch, you’ve hit the jackpot.
Also consider how touchy the rest of the office is about you taking this opportunity. If there’s an deep-rooted hatred emanating from every corner of the room. You’re looking good.
Keep your ears pricked up when you enter the snake pit.
There’ll be plenty of hints on offer.
Make sure you interview on a Tuesday morning. If this company’s serious, there’ll be no fire alarm. The top biller probably took the batteries out so they could close in peace. Yes there’s a chance of mass death. But there’s more chance of deals.
After your interview, take the time to meet some of your friendly new colleagues. If you hear the sound of knives being sharpened, ready to stick between your shoulders. Take the job!
If you haven’t got a sixth sense, you shouldn’t be working in recruitment. Sure that small kid could see dead people. But you can see dead deals. And even better, bring them back from the dead.
Your sixth sense is even more important when job hunting.
Has the previous incumbent checked themselves into rehab? Take the job.
Are the fire extinguishers running on empty? Take the job.
Does every single person in the room hate the previous incumbent? Take the job.
Has someone anonymously grassed up the top biller for ‘sexual misdemeanours’ in the company suggestion box? Take the job.
And there we have it. You’re now prepared for your job hunt and working out whether a desk is actually HOT.
Good luck, and stay safe out there.
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