It’s survival of the fittest in 2020. We need to look out for each other.
I don’t want you getting to December and you wishing you’d paid attention in January, because you can do this. You just need the right guidance.
With that in mind, here’s a definitive guide to making it through 2020.
Maybe even alive.
The news in 2020’s going to be all bad. Simple as that. So why bother?
You could argue, if you’re less informed, you’ll be worse at your job? Make less money?
You’re a recruiter. You’re not being interviewed on the News at 10.
The less you know about climate change, wars, politics and declining economies, the greater your chances of avoiding office small talk.
And all the easier you’ll feel about stabbing your colleagues in the back mid-March.
I’m not saying everyone on Twitter is heinous.
What I am saying is, if you’re heinous, you’re likely to be on Twitter. And you probably have a decent following.
Imagine for a moment, what would happen if the POTUS posted an incitement of war, but no one read it. Instead of him being on Twitter, imagine him putting out a Bebo status mixed with lyrics and emojis.
“What goes around, goes around, goes around, comes all the way back around. #iran #JT #realtalk”
Wouldn’t the world be a better place if no one saw half of the stuff on Twitter?
Reason #368 you shouldn’t be on it in 2020. Even if you still think it counts as work.
Don’t worry, I don’t mean tobacco, which I suggested a while ago to help quicken the sweet relief of death, but had a frantic call from the lawyers.
There’s a way to gain all the benefits of smoking, without the negatives.
Simply go and stand outside for 5 minutes, every hour.
You’ll actually be healthier and may find somewhere quiet they can’t hear you crying.
Once again, for the lawyers, I’m not advocating alcoholism. Merely saying if you’re drinking within the weekly limits, it’ll be more enjoyable to do that in Jan.
And frankly, even if you don’t stay in the limits.
While others take to the gym, for 31 days of gruelling sober intensity, before a hard Sweaxit in Feb, you can save time queueing at the bar.
Isn’t Jan hard enough anyway?
Wanna do that sober?
My favourite thing people do for charity is Tough Mudder.
Honestly, I’m all for charity wherever and whenever you can. And I’m happy to give you a tenner, but don’t pretend rolling around in the mud’s part of it.
Tough Mudder’s more fun than recruitment. Sponsor me for that. I’ll do a 24 hour BD-athon. Split over 5 days. Well 4, Friday’s not great.
You can pick anything though apparently. Tell people you’re growing your eyebrows for a month, if it’s for a good cause, I guarantee you’ll get donations. The world will be better off and you can have some hi-jinx.
Everyone seems to have realised commutes are a drag, so loads of companies now offer remote working.
If they don’t at yours, there’s a chance your boss doesn’t trust you and has a camera in the toilets.
Consider this… all the time and effort it takes to hide your utter disgust of people, work from home and you can spend that time resourcing.
You’ll get so much done.
Make so much money.
You’ll probably work out all your other issues in life too?
Who’s the worst person you know?
That’s right, you.
Now imagine being trapped for days on end, with only that person for company.
Get to the office and at least you can laugh at someone else for five seconds a day.
Might also take the pressure off never performing?
How important are you anyway?
I reckon you could sneak out early, 3 times a week and never get caught.
Now book 2 weekly meetings first thing.
Overcook lunch by 30.
You’re barely in the office. But with the salary of someone who is.
Then you can just fill your spare time with side hustles, like those online surveys people seem to get rich from.
Wanna know one thing which will get you through 2020 unharmed?
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