Ed Hunter: How to Recruit Your Future Partner

You’re on the phone. Head down. It’s March. Nothing in the world’s going to stop you billing big this year. The holiday destination’s been announced. You’re going.

You’ve got three deals pending. Monsters.

There’s an audible buzz around the office. The team’s started well and it’s set to be a record breaker.

This is where recruitment becomes awesome. You’re an absolute gun. Everything you touch turns to gold. There’s no role you can’t fill. No candidate you can’t place.

Then… out of nowhere…

A 9/10 walks through the office for an interview.

AND EVERYTHING STOPS

Eyes widen.

Phones go down.

The pushiest, least attractive Consultant stands up, in a vain attempt to catch a glance.

First rule about this process: If they look back, they don’t want the job. 

They enter the interview room and there’s a moment of silence which erupts into palpable, static electricity. The hairs on your neck stand up. You wonder how someone this good looking is considering working for this sh*tshow.

You think about your lives together. The country house. Three kids. City-breaks. The extravagant wedding and painful, insidious divorce.

What a dream. 

“What’s their name?” the same ugly Consultant prods.

“I wouldn’t worry about that if I were you” you snap.

Then. It. Begins.

This is what your training was for. By the time they walk out, you’ll have their 2007 holiday snaps. You’ll know their mum’s had a bit of work done. Their Dad looks like a bulldog chewing a wasp and their sister’s either a dab hand with Photoshop or adopted.

But, despite all this, you’re head over heels. This is the one. Don’t mess it up. By the end of this tutorial you’ll have enough knowledge to turn perfect strangers into playthings, in your dark dingy basement, whimpering for help.

Or you can just date them. Or hey, even recruit them. Up to you.

Here’s Ed Hunter’s Guide to Recruiting a Partner… Created in good faith, shared with hesitation.

1) Search

You overheard their first name. But not their last.

It’s unlikely their Mum’s still labelling their clothes, but check the coat stand nonetheless.

What else do you know?

They’re definitely in this building. Which means they’re interviewing for a job. Therefore you know, roughly, what their job title is.

Presuming they’re not a complete tw*t, it won’t be ‘Ninja’ or ‘Wizard’. And if it is, save yourself the bother.

If your Manager’s computer’s unlocked, you can find their name quite quickly. Otherwise, go and ask the Office Manager for the Gaffer’s diary. Still don’t know? Don’t give up. Things just got interesting!

2) Boolean

Searching for a skill is the exact same as searching for a name. So, put “first name” AND “Recruiter” into LinkedIn. With only a few exceptions, this will bring up your mark.

You might need to toy around with their job title. Just like you’re about to toy around with their emotions and sanity.

3) LinkedIn

OK. You got their LinkedIn deets. Well done.

You’ve completed basic. Now, you can let them know you’re keen, and have a look while signed in. But that’s a ‘head above the parapet’ move.

If you want to take the game further (or you’ve got a face like a TB-riddled badger), ‘go incognito’ in a private window.

From there, you can get their place of work, University degree, and a list of mates. Recent posts and activity should be a good indicator.

4) Getting References

If you’ve got their full name, you’ll be able to find their Facebook and Instagram.

Now, some (mainly recruiters) have private Instagram profiles. Because we know there’s a whole wide world of weird out there. Predominantly other recruiters. But what Instagram privacy doesn’t account for is Google Images.

Put their handle in Google and it brings up photos they’re tagged in, by friends without privacy restrictions. Jackpot. And hopefully enough ammo for ‘the bank’.

If not, nothing says ‘I like you’ like a hand written note, sent to their office. Written in blood.

Stalker Card

5) The Approach

If you know where they work, taking your digital stalking to the real world should be easy. If, like my last boss, you think jumping out of a giant birthday cake naked’s demeaning and degrading, you’ve got two options:

1) Wait for them to leave the office and follow them home.

2) Go for the jugular and head to reception. Hand your old iPhone to reception, boxed and looking pretty. Then say:

“Delivery for ******. Sign here please. Thanks.”

Remember, the less weird you sound the better. So don’t try any of the new accents you’ve been practicing.

Now, no one throws away a free phone. And with the magic of ‘Find My Phone’ you now have their every movement captured in real time.

Making planning the perfect ambush easy as one-two-amputee.

6) Negotiation

You’re hardly going to marry the person of your dreams by simply hoping for the best. You’re a Recruiter dammit. Start acting like it.

You need a grease man (or woman).

By now, you’ll have the name of at least one friend. A coffin worth of photos dating back to pre-puberty. Their thoughts on Brexit. A brief  history of hairstyles. And their waining passion for ‘planking’.

But you haven’t slept in their bed when they’re out, so you’re not on the PSL just yet.

i) Set up a new email account in their friend’s name on Hotmail.

ii) Buy a subscription for Planking Magazine Monthly.

iii) When the purchase confirmation comes in, simply forward on their birthday saying:

“What’s your home address mate? I want to get these delivered straight to your door. Happy Birthday”

Quick call to the locksmith and you’re snuggled up tight before you can say “Uncapped Commission!”

7) Time Kills Deals

Choosing a stalking weapon’s like being graced with multiple kids. Each one does the same thing. But you’re bound to have a favourite.

Always choose something easy to carry. Maybe a metal business card? Easy to explain, but you’d rather not have it in ‘a tight spot’.

Don’t go for anything sinister. Think a branded umbrella. A meeting folder. Something normal. Neither of those seem ‘weird’. Until you surprise your target in a port-a-loo at a music festival. Then that meeting folder starts to become very weird indeed.

8) Business Cards

You should never be caught by your target. Until you want to. But even that will be on your own terms.

Until you decide you’re ready, leave calling cards. If they’re in a relationship, leaving underwear in their bed will test the resolve. The more stains the quicker the process.

If they’re single, an ‘accidental’ shoulder barge in the local turns into a chat.

A chat turns into a Snap.

A Snap becomes a whirlwind romance.

 

A story as old as time.

9) The Placement

Now, if you’re a classic stalker, the end should be seamless. You never come clean.

You don’t tell your candidates you’ve set an alert for when their CV comes online, let’s blood-stained love letters out too.

Either fade out activity or frame someone they know.

The ex is a classic. And given the sudden appearance of undies with a muddy gusset a few weeks back, fit the mental profile.

If you’re ready to settle down, make sure there’s an overlap with stalking and you (officially) moving in.

10) Counter Offers

Given your penchant for stealing the moment, it’s going to smart if your ‘candidate’ gets snatched by a rival company.

Remember your training: Proactive. Not reactive.

A medicine vial playfully labelled ‘Rohypnol’, left clumsily in the cabinet, adds a certain ‘je ne sais quoi’ to morning pillow talk.

Top tip: Water’s a cheaper alternative negating the hassle of navigating the Dark Web.

“Oh is that still in there?” you’ll sweetly remember.

It’s OK. The job’s done. No counter offer’s being considered by this candidate.

11) Avoiding a Rebate

Letting your spouse out the house for birthdays will make you feel like Top Biller. Where you’ll remain as long as the fee doesn’t escape out the back door.

And that’s it. You’ve now recruited the love of your life. Congrats.

Happily ever after. Or, a gentle ghosting without ever admitting your feelings.

Welcome to 2018.


Oh and if you’re not a recruiter, you now have enough knowledge to become an above average biller.

Just don’t tell anyone where you got your skills. Lest they become jealous and call the police. 

More frolics here.