Ed Hunter: How to Adult

Yesterday, some kid straight out of ‘recruitment school’ called this blog “mid-level, mediocre with enough safe and obvious jokes to pacify the masses.” Which was cute. Now… I don’t hold grudges. Some people aren’t adult enough to know when to stop.

Did I have a go at his lego hair? No.

Did I say he looked like a FisherPrice man? No.

Did I ask his boss whether he should be spending his first stint in recruitment commenting on blogs or GETTING ON THE PHONE? No.

Why?

Because I’m an adult.

And after reading this next article, you too will be able to adult, just like me.


“Sickies”

Kid: Fake illness in order to have a day chilling on the sofa. Put on a gruff voice, cough and splutter.

Adult: Actually contract a minor disease to get some much needed rest, without the hassle of forging Doctor’s notes.


Emails

Kid: Spend an extra 5 minutes per email deleting expletives and flowering up your tone.

Adult: Set up autocorrect to change “f*ck” for “regards” on Word and Outlook, saving precious time.


Awkward Colleagues

Kid: The occasional stitch up will show your true colours without upsetting the apple cart too much.

Adult: Club together with anyone else on decent commission for a Hitman to make troublesome colleagues disappear.


Gatekeepers

Kid: Take the rejection on the chin, put the phone down, try again tomorrow.

Adult: Turn up at their office, with 2 return tickets to Goa including £500 spending money. Put them in an Uber. March up to the client’s desk, replacement Gatekeeper CV in hand.


Negative Candidate Feedback

Kid: Note feedback on CRM. Apologise. Promise to be better next time.

Adult: Meet the criticism head on. Challenge them to a bare knuckle fight in the car park. Spread a rumour about them to clients. Use ‘Face Swap’ to mark their debut into the adult film industry.


Office dogs

Kid: Move your desk to sit further away from the dog, so clients can’t hear when he’s licking himself.

Adult: Shave the dog.


PSLs

Kid: Relentlessly try for months and months to get a spot on the PSL. Send muffin baskets. Fresh fruit. A copy of their favourite magazine.

Adult: Release a plague of flesh eating insects into the air ducts of every agency on the PSL. Be reactive. Jump in. Fill the void.


Clunky Database

Kid: Have a fit every time you try hopelessly to enter any data.

Adult: Top drawer EVERYTHING. CVs, Business cards, keys to the office, the fire extinguisher. They had their chance.


Bad eating habits

Kid: Audibly tut when fish is cooked in the microwave. Leave spilt milk. Put up a sign that says “Your Mother doesn’t work here!”

Adult: Set up homemade blow torch with deodorant and a lighter for anyone running the gauntlet of opening the fridge.


Poor Management Style

Kid: Talk to HR or Management directly. Quietly address any issues.

Adult: Accurately pinpoint the next day snow’s forecast. Cut the brakes on your Managers car. Arrange a whip round and flowers for their other half. Use phone stats as an alibi. If they could tell it was the Talking Clock, you’d have been fired ages ago.


Boring Commute

Kid: Take a book for the duration to keep yourself entertained.

Adult: Touch up strangers with an umbrella and blame the person they’re standing next to. Film resulting chaos. Put it on YouTube.


Long Commute

Kid: Leave the house slightly earlier to make sure you get to work on time.

Adult: Just stop going to work.


Receive Negative Criticism Online

Kid: Ignore it, carry on with your life.

Adult: Write an article in response, point out their shit lid.


For more mid-level, mediocre jokes about recruitment, why not read one of the 80-odd other articles here.

Or… take this quiz.

Or… watch this video.

Until next time.