Ed Hunter: Full English Brexit

NEWSFLASH:

As negotiations over Brexit continue to stutter, Recruiters have been asked to step in to save the day.

David Davis, the man who’s in charge of negotiating a ‘fair deal’ for both the EU and UK has turned to Recruiters everywhere to bring their negotiation skills to the table, in what’s been described as a ‘modern day Dunkirk’.

A long time ago, any Tom, Dick or Harriet with a boat stepped in to save our collective bacon. Politicians it seems are now asking the same thing, and will even pay for the bar tab on the ferry over.

While news of a temporary customs arrangement was greeted with scepticism in Europe, Recruiters have been licking their lips at the prospect of eased industry access to top destinations including Ibiza and Marbella.

Plans are said to be at early stages, but a stationery wholesale insider suggested a large order of branded goods had been received to ‘grease the wheels a bit’.

“We’re gonna wow them with the umbrellas and hope they don’t notice the tax levy on Veuve Clicquot and Jägermeister for Recruiters across the continent” said a source.

“Also if they think I’m going back to paying £6 for 250mb of data every time I’m on the annual incentive trip they’re very much f**king mistaken. The last time I left my emails with my Resourcer I came back 15 Runners down!”

Top Government officials have thanked the level headed thinking of the specially chosen Top Billers.

Theresa May commented “It’s to be expected that in testing times collaboration between sectors is necessary to get things done. Plus, considering the backhanders our lot have been taking, this is by far the cheapest option.” 

As news reached agencies throughout the UK, each business has been putting forward their suggestions and ideal ‘Negotiators’ to make sure the deal gets done in the right way.

Many have suggested Business Development Managers to lead the pack as they’re the best at doing deals neither party really wants in the first place.

The implications of any Brexit deal will resonate through to various industries and there are many knock-on effects of a positive outcome. A reverse PSL situation could well be discussed as Banking and Manufacturing companies look for guarantees. There’s already been mysterious packages of T.M. Lewin suits left in agency doorways addressed to ‘our favourite Recruiters, love HSBC.’

Given the fact most Recruiters have better negotiating skills than anyone else on the planet, Politicians are now hopeful we can maintain ‘everything we want without bowing to the b*stards in Brussels.’

Tony from PeopleHireTempSolutionsVentures added “I started on the Market selling fish for well over the odds. How hard can it be talking about passports and that? I actually know a fella who can get you a passport for 20 notes if you want.”

There’s even better news on the horizon however, as the suggestion of a three month rebate seems to have been levied to ease the deal through. Given the stark downfall in UK markets directly after the referendum it would seem prudent to see how it all works out before committing in full. On the off chance the rebate doesn’t work out, the plan to offer the EU a free replacement is being touted as a backup.

If this is a non-starter we’ll just offer them Wales in our place.” Said Tone. “They already control their own border and they seem like a friendly bunch from that documentary I watched, Twin Town.”

Environmental Issues

Given Recruiters penchant for turning the air blue, it seems they’re the perfect choice to battle the environmental issues amongst the key considerations for EU/UK harmony.

“Considering the amount of HOT desks I see advertised in London, global warming’s clearly already started.” 

When asked for how exactly selected Recruiters were planning to drive the negotiations it seems there’s a tried and tested plan that’s been in place for hundreds of years.

“Oh, it’s simple” Added Tony. “We just send them standard terms at 40% and start talking. We’ll go down to 15%. We know it. They know it. But you have to play this game so they know we’re worth it. It’s called negotiation. Look it up!”

The level of decorum is to be protected at all times during the tense talks with dress down Fridays being put on hold so mayhem doesn’t descend upon what should be a serious day of business.

There was however promise of a little levity as a ‘Commissioners Lunch’ was promised for the top four most cooperative members of negotiation.

While the rest of the committee will be destined for sh*tty sandwiches at their desk, the incentive will hopefully be a reminder of the benefits on offer for great performance.

More on this as it comes in.