There’s been a rise of this term recently, so it’s only fair I give it some attention. Whatever English you think you know, strike it from the record. “Fake News” is now only the thing worth mentioning. Either the eradication of it, the propagation of it or the “fact-checking” retorts.
I’m sure I’m not alone in thinking that “fake news” has been around for a fair while? Close to thousands of years?
Isn’t it just ‘bullsh*t’…? Isn’t that the same thing? Surely a story that isn’t true, is just made up. Is this a new thing? Hasn’t anyone noticed this? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.
Anyway, I know news. I have the best news. Everyone agrees. Anyone saying I don’t is SAD. Let me tell you.
Here’s some of my news…
Collective heads nodded in agreement this week, when an industry report published findings that HR professionals were indeed the most cooperative. Amongst the competitors for the coveted title were Internal Recruiters, Gatekeepers or ‘Directors of First Impressions‘ and office dogs.
Clive, HR industry peer joyfully exclaimed “I actually can’t believe it. The values written on the wall of our department clearly state our mission: Make everyone’s life as difficult as possible.”
“I’ll regularly claim a role isn’t signed off, just after acceptance merely for sh*ts and gigs. Just last week I disciplined an IT Manager for speaking to a Recruiter directly. He wasn’t going against any policy per se, it’s just nice to be respected you know?”
“My sole mandate in life is to be obtuse so this is a big surprise. Internal reviews will be interesting this month. Heads will roll if we continue on this path.”
It’s finally happened. Industry commentators have been warning us for decades and we didn’t listen. Sure, none of the people warning us, actually worked in recruitment. But did we heed their hysterical outcries? No… we were too busy trying to make placements. So short sighted.
Today saw the last human Recruitment Consultant eradicated from their position. Tony, originally from Hull, who’s worked in London for well over 8 months now was droned from his company balcony as the final RecruitBot moved in to position. Everything from lie detection and ruthless rate negotiations to car breakdowns will be handled by bots from here on in.
With death comes rebirth however, as one position per company has been saved for humans. Manually turning pdf’s into word documents, it seems, has robots ‘bamboozled’. Good news at last.
Contrary to latest reports that show fragmentation of the industry, all of the largest corporate recruitment conglomerates are, this year, set to see unsubstantiated amounts of growth. With a non-coincidental fall in staff retention. New, innovative specialist brands are no longer required.
‘Unrivalled commission structures’ are said to be paving the way for every household recruitment name to be further galvanised as leaders of the free-recruitment-world.
A ‘spokesperson’ for these companies today revealed their delight. “Not only will this growth complement the managements already bulging wallets, but our collective graduate intake is set for its highest ever retention rate.”
Upon investigation, that record was found to be just one graduate who made the 6 month mark. The graduate in question was unavailable for comment.
TV show ‘Top Recruiter’, is in line for an unprecedented clean sweep in this year’s awards. The BAFTAs, National Television Awards, the Golden Globes and the Emmys are all on the cards, says a source.
Dan, Top Biller from Basildon is quoted “Yeah, I mean I’ve not seen the show but it’s obviously a winner. Everyday I go into work and suggest someone should be filming me. I’m really that good. Plus I’m a handsome sod. I don’t take any time to teach anyone younger or any of that nonsense, but people should aspire to be like me. I mean they can try. Good luck kids.”
Standby for the most emotive, inspiring and heartwarming tale of trial and tribulation since Celebrity Love Island.
Ever since James’ disappearance from Dragon’s Den everyone’s been asking: “What’s he up to?” Well, an insider today revealed he’s been doing what he’s always done. Hitting the phones. The source went on to admit they’ve never seen recruitment like it.
“The phone was smoking at one point. I sh*t you not. Smoking. It was going up and down that quickly. He filled 4 nursing roles on Tuesday before he’d even reached the office. And everyone knows how sh*t Tuesdays are in the nursing game.”
After the filming of his most recent show, James has apparently decided he missed the buzz of the sales floor and the harmonising ring of the deal bell. Upon being telephoned for a comment, he responded with a spinning finger from the other side of the office. So you know he’s busy.
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