‘Usually it’s banging in here’ they told me as I walked out the lift. The reality proved different. As my foot hit the apparently once ‘buzzing’ sales floor, I was blindsided by the inescapable similarity to a nuclear disaster zone, left in a hurry.
I caught up with Tony Braxton, Principal Consultant, who recently celebrated an impressive 8 days sober.
“It’s been ‘orrible mate” whimpered Tony. “Proper, proper pony. And I don’t say that lightly.”
“I used to survive on my reputation. And 2 vodka oranges before 10. Now all I’ve got is my billings. Which, whilst very, very impressive, are now under threat.”
Tony 38, spent December boasting about his impending sobriety. But found when Jan rolled around, very few people actually cared.
“I’ve been posting bench press videos on Instagram and unfollowed anything not involving vegan food or meditation. Unfortunately no one’s bothered.”
Despite losing friends and followers along the way, Tony’s hopeful the period of sobriety won’t change him.
“I used to be out with the team on Monday. Client drinks Tuesday. Wednesday’s boys’ night. Thirsty Thursday obviously. And then the weekend takes care of itself.”
“Thing is, I’ve not really known what to do since the boozing stopped. The Mrs stopped talking to me years ago and the kids won’t let me near the Playstation.”
“Hence the lies about meditation. It’s that or admit drunken banter’s all I’ve got.”
Despite sporting a leaner figure, improved finances and healthier state of mind in less than two weeks, Mr Braxton openly questioned whether it was all worth it. And cautioned others from blindly following internet fads.
“Think it through. That’s what I’d say. And be ready for your mates to turn their back once they finally realise you’re not that funny sober.”
“Then find anything you can to get through the day. Coffee. Tea. Kombucha. A safe place to cry without being judged. Something to kick or an easily accessible window when you’re staring at the abyss of Tuesday afternoons.”
Despite the obvious advantage of being healthier, Tony paused when questioned whether he’d do it again.
“I knew I needed to change something when I coughed up lego after the work Christmas party. I just won’t go cold turkey next time. And maybe just keep it to myself so I can give up after a week.”
One person hoping Mr Braxton doesn’t go back to old habits is Marco, his new Kombucha supplier who says Tony’s business has been a real shot in the arm.
Which in its literal form, Braxton will now be looking for himself, as he detailed his new health regime in the wake of former binging.
“I thought it was the booze which made me go blind in one eye, but it’s still there, so might have to get that checked out. I’ll still drink with clients because it turns out being half-cut is the only thing winning me business.”
“But I might stay sober in the office. After meeting the Accounts guy yesterday it turned out I’d met him back in November and four times since but have been too drunk to recall. Then again, that’s Accounts for you.”
Yes you’ll be healthier and happier going sober for Dry Jan.
But at what cost?
If Tony’s account’s anything to go by more research is needed before we know the true effects of Dry Jan on the Recruitment industry. But it’s a health fad this recruiter won’t be contemplating lightly.
Join me next week when I break the story of the Office Dog Implicated in the IR35 Scheme.
Back to you on the Sales Floor,
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