Ed Hunter: An Ode to Clients

Recruitment would be quite decent if it wasn’t for clients.

Or candidates.

Or your boss.

Or recruiters.

But here we are. We’re all in it together and making your clients like you is about all you can do to make money in this bleak wilderness. So send them this letter of thanks to show your heartfelt appreciation.

Dear Clients

1. Thanks for reading my emails. The email server I use notifies me when they’re opened. And in fairness you read every one. It’s the part after that I wouldn’t mind action on. You know, like any semblance of thought on the topic at hand.

2. Thanks for the insight into your business. When I said I’d like to run through the role, I was hoping for slightly more than a two minute monologue. But given my penchant for using Google, I’ll fill in the gaps and tell candidates you’re ‘highly professional’ like it says on your website.

3. Thanks for telling me it was ‘exclusive’. A quick search online and it looks like this role’s been manhandled more times than the office dog after Friday beers. But it’s nice to have five minutes of ignorant bliss.

4. Thanks for your in-depth feedback. ‘Too experienced’ is easily rectifiable for everyone in the process. Especially the candidate who’s now in tears on the phone questioning their existence on earth.

5. Thanks for offering to interview candidates. Buggering off on holiday after you clicked send keeps us all on our toes. And I know the candidates will be psyched to wait 3 weeks for a psychometric test for a 1 month contract.

6. Thanks for your painstaking list of requirements. Your job spec reads like a list of demands from a hostage negotiation. Only in this case it seems no one’s getting out alive.

7. Thanks for insisting HR take the reins in daily communication. I regularly ask my researcher to explain quantum physics, just so I’m better equipped at speaking to people with no authority on a subject. It’s improved the relationship with my parents ten fold.

8. Thanks for hiring such a bright and switched on Gatekeeper. You could have trained a parrot to have a wider vocabulary and they’d still be bored by the limited repertoire of responses.

9. Thanks for always saying you’re in a meeting. It gives me at least one afternoon a week I can go home early with a completely plausible excuse for my boss.

10. Thanks for your 6 stage interview process. People in the office call me Derren Brown because I can forecast to within a week when placements will happen. All I do is flip a coin and estimate 7 weeks from the interview date.

11. Thanks for asking the candidate to go direct. Every now and then recruitment gets a bit samey. So it’s lovely to have a legal battle and fritter away the commission I’ve earned paying Lawyers to send emails.

12. Thanks for your expensive taste in lunch spots. This is actually a welcome from the monotony of lunch at my desk avoiding small talk with whoever’s next in line for the microwave. As long as my boss pays, it’s always your choice.

13. Thanks for not noticing I listen in on phone interviews. Banging the desk and muting the call makes me feel like David Blaine with sleight of hand wizardry that’d make Gandalf blush.

14. Thanks for your realistic salary offerings. There’s probably plenty of reasons someone would quit their job and work for you, for the same money, but run me through a few just in case.

15. Thanks for rounding your salary bandings to the pound. ‘£48,927 to £63,295’ gets more attention online than rounding to the nearest £1k. And isn’t that what we’re all about? Standing out online?

16. Thanks for offering a pension and holidays in your perks. You’d have no idea how many workhouses and sweatshops don’t these days. Knowing yours does will get tongues wagging on LinkedIn.

17. Thanks for asking for a discount every time we do business. Your brazen attempt at haggling spurs me on when I ask for a raise at the end of the year.

18. Thanks for declaring the role as URGENT. I now take a Ouija Board into forecast meetings to try and guess which deal will rise from the dead and save my quarter.

19. Thanks for telling me how well your business is doing. It made you slashing the recruitment budget all the more amusing when I told my kids why Christmas was cancelled last year.

20. Thanks for your ruthless decisive streak. The time it takes for you to make basic decisions gives me time to do other stuff. Like re-evaluate my life, mopping up tears as I wonder where it all went wrong.

21. Thanks for calling yourself ‘Industry Leading’. I mean… you’re not. I know it. You know it. Candidates know it. But if we don’t say it we look inferior in job ads.

22. Thanks for blaming me internally for your shortcomings. Apologising for things that aren’t my fault is the one thread of hope keeping my relationship together.

Thanks clients. Thanks for being you. Never change.

All my love,