Ed Hunter: An Ode to Candidates

It’s rare I give thanks to candidates. Even when they accept jobs and make my boss me money. They’re not doing it for me, so saying ‘Thanks’ seems a bit weird.

Today, I’m changing my attitude. This article is all about giving thanks.

Deep, heartfelt, resounding thanks.

Dear Candidates

1. Thanks for never responding to my emails. Disguising my pissed off demeanour with over the top niceties has improved my relationship with women.

2. Thanks for never calling me back. Constant rejection’s given me the tenacity to complete Tinder. On the hardest setting.

3. Thanks for going behind my back. I can now add ‘Legal letter writing’ to my CV… might even call myself Attorney at Law?

4. Thanks for calling out recruiters on LinkedIn. Constant criticism’s made me battle hardened and able to laugh when my parents voice how disappointed they are in me.

5. Thanks for cancelling your interview 5 minutes beforehand. Life’s too easy sometimes, and it’s lovely to start the day apologising for someone else’s inadequacies.

6. Thanks for using your Grandad’s funeral as an excuse. He sounded pretty ill the other day when he answered your home phone. Probably just upset at raising a moron.

7. Thanks for your inability to use spell check. I’ve spent years dreaming of one day reaching the lofty title of Admin Assistant. Now, thanks to you, I’m living that dream.

8. Thanks for turning off your phone every time you send me an email. I’m now a Master Stalker. The only thing currently evading capture in my daily adventures, is the will to live.

9. Thanks for using bizarre and irrelevant job titles on LinkedIn. Hunting for Ninjas online doesn’t make me cringe in any way. It’s quirky, just like my boss’s really cool socks.

10. Thanks for upping your salary requirements at the last minute. I’m now fairly competent as a hostage negotiator.

11. Thanks for telling me you’ve never previously applied to the client. I was looking for a way to waste 4 hours of my day, giving you every little insight and tip to make sure you get the job. Direct.

12. Thanks for sending me your CV in a PDF. I’ll just move this text box slightly to the left. Oh, look, I’ve opened a portal to a new dimension.”

13. Thanks for telling me you DEFINITELY WON’T accept a counter offer. I’ll definitely help you in 6 months when you call me, in tears, because, despite another £5k your Manager’s still a twat.

14. Thanks for randomly endorsing me for skills on LinkedIn. LinkedIn endorsements form the basis of my existential quest for purpose. They’re the fibre of my very being.

15. Thanks for leaving 3 days before the rebate. Unfortunately I now owe my boss money I’ve already pissed up the wall. Still, nothing like crippling debt to motivate you on a Monday morning.

16. Thanks for not letting me know about your other interviews. I’m now banned from 5 casinos due to my ability to f**king read minds.

17. Thanks for taking none of my advice at the interview. I think the interviewer was accepting of your shit suit, but the Shih Tzu was probably a bridge too far.

18. Thanks for f**king off on holiday mid process. Yes my bedside manner is enchanting, but I wasn’t looking to share tips on Fly-Drives to Tuscany. I asked because you’ve now f**ked the entire process.

19. Thanks for being constantly late. Great timekeeping on your CV looks a bit like sarcasm now. But from speaking to you, I know you’re not that intelligent.

20. Thanks for choosing another recruiter when you started hiring. I know, I know. PSL, right? No problem, you won’t mind sticking to the same PSL when you move again in a year.

21. Thanks for allowing me to take you to lunch three times. Whilst I’m glad Little Joanna’s piano recital went well, you did fail to mention that potential secondment in Japan.

 Thanks candidates. Thanks for being you. Never change.

All my love,