Shit recruitment agencies produce shit job ads. Actually they don’t produce ads at all. They produce job specs. And when these job specs are for a job you’re already doing, it’s of little surprise the applications don’t flood in, is it?
They simply state the basics of recruiting and hope you hate your own existence enough to apply. Luckily for them, some recruiters hate their own existence.
But what if advertisements for these companies were honest?
If they were, they’d probably look a little like this…
Job: Phone Basher
Location: One quarter of a desk, underneath the shoddiest lightbulb in a huge, white, oppressive room (4 cities to choose from)
Salary: £23k [£80k OTE] (You’ll never hit target, so basically, just forget this part. But you might make an extra £5k on basic.
Here at F.All Recruitment, we like to think we’re a little bit different. Why? Because in saying that, we think you’ll choose us. Reality is, we’re the same as most terrible agencies out there. Only we pay slightly less and expect more.
We’ve just paid £10k to win 15th in a national business award, so it’d be remiss of me not to mention that. We came 15th. Meaning we’re 15th best in the UK at paying for awards. Pretty good eh? Oh and we get this really cool plaque for the wall. AND we got to wear black tie for the annual ’employer brand’ LinkedIn update.
We got 180 likes and voted ‘Most Socially Engaged’ after pushing the scantily clad women to the front.
We understand equality’s important here at F.All. So much so, our gender pay gap has recently been SLASHED to 26%. That was after Phil got caught in the toilets and had to publicly refuse his Christmas bonus. Levelling the playing field’s on our agenda this year after we had to promote Kirsty. She’s been top biller for ages but we were hoping a bloke would rise through the ranks. They haven’t, so she’s now London Manager.
Do you like being hands-free? Well here at F.All we’ll strap a phone to your head with sellotape. Meaning busy hands are a thing of the past.
Are you trying to lose weight this year? You’ll have plenty of opportunity here as we’ll take away your chair for average performance. Or, simply until you can prove you’re not average (Good luck!).
Bad at marketing? Don’t worry, we’ve got you covered.
We pepper the market with the most generic content going. We don’t stand out as an agency, meaning candidates know we’re reliable and won’t do anything rogue or different. We use phrases like:
“We’re a truly consultative recruitment business that ACTUALLY listens to its clients and candidates and ensures we’re constantly delivering a BESPOKE approach to recruitment.”
Sound impressive? Exactly. Even if you don’t know what it means.
Hands-On Leadership Team! Especially after a few beers on a Friday where they get really hands on.
Here at F.All we have our brand values (like every other agency). But these ones are ignored on every phone call we make. They have to be, otherwise people would be in a constant state of confusion. Values like “EXCELLENCE” “PROFESSIONAL” “COMMUNICATION”. All important words. F.All to do with how we run this business.
Go the extra mile! And you’ll need to do that regularly, as our office is miles away from any convenient travel links.
Have Sales ability! If you’ve ever sold anything you’ll be perfect for recruitment. Even if it’s just that time you sold your best mate down the river to get with their ex. If you’ve ever lied to anyone, we’ll consider you too. In fact, just lie to us that you have sold something and that’s even better.
Strong work ethic! If you hate your life outside of work, perfect. Because here, you won’t have a life to hate. Except of course for getting ruined every Thursday with the same people you stare at for 12 hours. Don’t worry though, it’s business as usual on Fridays. And we’ll even pay for your first multi-pack beer at 18:30 to make you feel special.
Take ownership! We like people to own things. For example when your shitty computer breaks, that ain’t our problem.
Driven! You’ll need to be driven, regularly. The last train goes WAY before you can leave the office.
– Company pension (we have to offer one, so it’s yours)
– Holiday (Again, mandatory, but you’re welcome)
– Pool table you can use on your last day. Which will come as a shock, but if you’ve got time for pool, you’re not right for us.
– Fast paced environment (Not sure why that’s a benefit, but here it is)
– Free internet and phone line. Personal use punishable by firing.
– Walls to protect you from the wind. There’s a roof too.
– Below Industry Average, Uncapped commission. The upper thresholds of which you’ll never reach.
– Unrivalled Sick Day policy. We frown on sick days. But do feel free to take ‘medication’ at your desk.
– Free ‘state of the art’ 2003 knackered Desktop. Office installed with Windows (no windows installed with office)
– Free instant coffee. Milk not provided.
– Lunch Club – hit your KPIs and you get a lunch hour. Hit your target and we’ll take you out for an all expenses paid Pizza Hut buffet.
– No Training provided. 98% of recruitment training is terrible. And you already think you know everything anyway. So put that wasted hour every week to better use by being on the phone.
We’ve just fired four of the last five hires for being shit, so it’s the perfect time to send in your dreary CV pieced together from tired advice, shoddy half-truths and outright lies. We’ll definitely read it. But do include a photo too. If you’re Jesus reincarnate, you can earn commission straight away. But I wouldn’t hold your breath.
We’ll give you at least three weeks before we make a decision on your future. Or until the first payday. And by that time you’ll be able to write 1 Year’s experience on LinkedIn and call yourself Senior.
So, don’t delay. Send us your CV today so our terrible internal recruiter can lie to you on the phone further.
An average career is just a click away.
Here are some other job ads you might want to apply to this new year…
The ads above are designed to make you think twice about smoking the Devil’s lettuce. They weren’t done by me. Obviously.
And funnily enough, in the US there probably are now a lot of jobs for ‘potheads’. But it’s amazing how far humour and honesty will take you.
Until next week folks.
Oh, and Happy New Year!
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