I had a rant at shit ads on LinkedIn this week. Mainly because I’m bored of seeing ‘fantastic opportunity’ a thousand times a day. But also, because ads aren’t difficult.
Why would they they think it’s a fantastic opportunity? Because if you don’t know, you probably shouldn’t be a recruiter.
To prove how easy it is, I’ve redone some old classics.
Naturally, they’re about recruitment…
Sure you could have a KitKat and a cup of tea.
But nothing says “please accept this holiday request” quite like a mental breakdown.
Start talking to the coffee machine. Or just sit in the stationery cupboard for half an hour every morning.
You’ll be on that beach in no time.
You can have the hottest tech around. You can be early adopters. You can be AI powered.
There’s absolutely no way you can change a pdf to word, spot on, first time, in less than 3 hours.
“Actually there’s this website that…”
Nothing works. Not Apple. Not windows. Not burning the place to the ground.
But will I send a pdf with their name and number on? Absolutely not.
There’s really no better downtime than gardening leave.
You basically become a giant, walking distraction to anyone in the vicinity.
So why do they enforce it? No one knows. But if they ask you to do anything approaching work…
JUST DON’T DO IT.
People say they smoke to relax.
It helps with stress. It lets them calm down and see the cold light of day.
But if someone would rather stand outside freezing, in the pissing wind and rain, inhaling toxic fumes, than spend just one minute longer listening to the boss…
Is it that smoking’s relaxing, or just better than the alternative?
Are you a Resourcer? Have you just got your first paycheque? Then off to the bar with you, rack up a round of Jagers.
And hold the Red Bull, you’re not at Nottingham Trent any more.
Remember these days! You’re young, carefree and optimistic.
Like a toddler skipping whimsically into a hurricane.
Recruiters are among the best in the land at spending money.
Doesn’t matter what your paycheque is, I guarantee you can spend it by the 20th.
So sure, it’s your round at the start of the month.
And yeahh… lunch on you, on the 3rd.
But from the 23rd onwards, lunch is sponsored by Heinz. Or something with the words ‘meal deal’ in it.
You have to be a certain kind of special to drink Red Bull.
And you have to be bordering on sociopathic to drink it in the morning.
Normally, the special sociopaths I’m referring to work in recruitment.
Then again, short of jabbing yourself in the leg with adrenaline, what else is gonna psyche you up for another day at the coal face?
Agency owners are perversely some of the worst in the game at advertising.
What does this prove? It proves it’s not your fault.
And that being just slightly better will make you stand out.
“Recruitment Consultant, London, Uncapped commission, Industry Leading Company, get in touch.”
Do piss off.
Your client. Because they can cut recruiters off in 3 seconds by just whispering it down the phone.
Being on one does mean a constant stream of roles. But you’ll dance to the tune of the pied piper, hopelessly clinging on to a 90 day process.
Are PSL roles easier to fill? Do clients make it easy? Are candidates falling over themselves? Will it pay you handsomely?
None of the above.
Still… Every little helps.
No one has time to bill massive and be massive.
It’s one or the other. And sure you’ve started strutting ’round the office on your headset, but you’re not as young as you were.
Hey, pick that phone up and work your biceps.
Now, just a thousand more of those and you can go for lunch.
Until next time… here’s where to go now.
Software Development Technical Recruiter/ Delivery at Freshtechit
Senior Technology Recruitment Consultant at K2 Partnering Solutions
Technology Recruitment Consultant at Arrows Group
Consultant/ Senior Consultant at Signify Technology