Ed Hunter: An Ace Up Your Sleeve

There are times in life you know you’re going to win.

You land a straight flush on the flop.

You wangle the winning ticket.

The stars align. There’s absolutely no way you can lose.

It’s the best feeling in the world. You walk around with a little smile. A knowing smirk, staring into the face of doubters.

And yet…

Knowing you’re going to win is only the start.

The real reward comes when an overly negative naysayer rattles the cage. These people are always there. Stoking the fire. Prodding the wound. Picking at the stitching.

Yet the smile grows wider.

When you walk into work ready to resign, on good terms, as a loyal servant only for a “motivational email” to come through, you have to take the law into your own hands.

The resulting email chain is a story of a resignation.

“Serendipity’s on the line Ed?”

Yeah, that’s for me, put ’em straight through!

From: Mark, S
Date: Friday 30 October 2016 08:10
To: All
CC: Karen, H; Tony, L
Subject: A little perspective

Morning guys

Quick lesson in perspective for you. Few small things that are really starting to piss me off……. 

1. Endless pool during CORE HOURS. Being played by people with NO MONEY ON THE BOARD.

This isn’t the crucible.

2. ATTIRE. There are to be NO BEARS at this company!!! They look scruffy and unprofessional, and while I’m the MD of this business are not to be seen…

Some of you have seemingly forgotten what professional looks like!!!!! We wear suits. With ties. Some of you not doing this, again with NO MONEY ON THE BOARD!

3. I am sick to death of people taking sick days. ONCE AGAIN with no money on the board. Therefore being a COST to this business and myself.

There are some of you in this business REALLY TAKING LIBERTIES. Your a burden, and tiring to deal with. Reminder: I pay all of your salaries!!!

Karen will speak about this on Monday, but if you don’t up your game, you’ll be sacked immediately and thrown out this business in NO TIME AT ALL.

Mark my words, this is not an idle threat. You do not want to see me angry!!!

Pick it up. And do it NOW!!

Any questions, please ask.

M


From: Ed Hunter
Date: Friday 30 October 2016 08:20
To: Mark, S
CC: Karen, H; Tony, L; All
Subject: Re: A little perspective

Hi Hulk,

Thanks for the little morale boost.

Surprised you can see the Sales Board from where you are in Bali. Let me read the first name…

“Ed”

That name represents me being the number one financial asset you have in this business. Numero Uno. The head f**king honcho pal. The number on that board (in October) is three times what you ever managed in a full year.

Given your vast arsenal of experience, what do you think emails of this nature do for people included who aren’t the target of your disgust?

What do you think they do for those who are?

Let me address a few things mate, just to clear this up a little…

1. It’s you’re, not your.

2. The crucible’s a snooker venue. NOT pool.

3. Core hours are bullshit. Everyone plays pool here. You need down time whether you’re at the top or bottom. It’s a bizarre ornament to have. And if you don’t like people doing something, don’t personally install that very item.

4. If bears have been seen in this office, I’d like a heads up.

Unless of course, they’ve been coaxed to your honey-coated desk, with a picnic basket. In which case I support the notion. And may drop a jar of Manuka en route home.

5. Being unwell isn’t a perk. Nor a benefit. It’s not something you earn. The next time you’re “sick to death”… do us all a favour and take the day off!

Because you’re clearly not well enough to run a business right now.

Cheers,

E


From: Mark, S
Date: Friday 30 October 2016 09:14
To: Ed Hunter
CC: Karen, H; Tony, L
Subject: RE: Re: A little perspective

Ed.

YOU DO NOT REPLY TO ALL WITH AN EMAIL OF THAT TONE.

Pick up my phonecall now.


From: Ed, Hunter
Date: Friday 30 October 2016 09:45
To: Mark, S
CC: Karen, H; Tony, L
Subject: Re: RE: Re: A little perspective

Mr Ferrigno,

I don’t understand the difference between you doing it and I?

Also… IT’S CORE HOURS!

I’m bound by the rules of the Geneva Convention not to partake in frivolities during this time.

Ps. How’s hols? Havin a wicked time?


From: Mark, S
Date: Friday 30 October 2016 12:45
To: Ed, Hunter
CC: Karen, H; Tony, L
Subject: RE: Re: RE: Re: A little perspective

ED

The difference is I’M YOUR BOSS.

Clearly that email wasn’t addressed to you and it’s well documented how much this business appreciates your effort.

Nonetheless, as a SENIOR MEMBER OF STAFF I expect you to take a lead. It’s BLINDLY OBVIOUS I meant beards, not bears.

Your email set a tone that’s unwelcome and unprofessional.

We’ll have a chat when I’m back in the office. I expect to see great call stats today FROM EVERYONE.

M


From: Ed, Hunter
Date: Friday 30 October 2016 14:56
To: Mark, S
CC: Karen, H; Tony, L
Subject: Re: RE: Re: RE: Re: A little perspective

WHY DO YOU KEEP SHOUTING??

You really shouldn’t shout around bears mate. And I refute the claim a blind person could tell the difference between a beard and a bear. They’re very similar to the touch.

Go back and read your first email mate.

When you’ve done that.

Google ‘professional’.

Would love a natter when you’re back. DYING to see your holibobs snapssssss!

Do hope HR are well enough to be present and sit in. I know they’re a financial cost to this business, so it’s unlikely they’d be off ill… But, people take liberties, don’t they.

Rrggghhh… makes me so angry.


 

From: Mark, S
Date: Friday 30 October 2016 16:10
To: Ed Hunter
CC: Karen, H; Tony, L
Subject: RE: Re: RE: Re: RE: Re: A little perspective

I was expecting you to push for DIRECTOR of this business this year.

That’s clearly not something you’re looking to do?!!!!


 

From: Ed Hunter
Date: Friday 30 October 2016 16:51
To: Mark, S
CC: Karen, H; Tony, L
Subject: Re: RE: Re: RE: Re: RE: Re: A little perspective

I’m nowhere near qualified for DIRECTOR mate.

First off, I use sentence cases far too well.

Secondly, I’m not a prick. I was going to save this nugget for your first morning back, but f**k it…

I hereby offer my resignation, with immediate effect.

Happy to work my notice, if you’re happy having an “unwelcome and unprofessional” character in the office.

Which, given your constant absence, isn’t something you do.

Never been so happy to click ‘send’ on an email. Do enjoy reading those call stats whilst you’re on holiday.

You know, they say “A Gentleman only reads fiction, in full view of the sea.”

See if you can find one to read them out for you.

All my love,

Ed


 

From: Mark, S
Date: Friday 30 October 2016 18:10
To: Ed Hunter
CC: Karen, H; Tony, L
Subject: Re: RE: Re: RE: Re: RE: Re: A little perspective

Ed,

Let’s chat when I’m back in please?

Mark


 

From: Ed Hunter
Date: Friday 30 October 2016 18:42
To: Mark, S
CC: Karen, H; Tony, L
Subject: RE: Re: RE: Re: RE: Re: RE: Re: A little perspective

Dearest Lou,

I’m afraid it’s now out of core hours.

I’m only able to talk about business related matters within that time. This is in the company handbook. An agreement more important and crucial to the world then The Treaty of Versailles.

Something EVERYONE IN THE WORLD agreed to. Well, except Hitler. But, he was about as agreeable as you fighting an office full of bears. Understand if you’re not happy with that response.

Still, can’t be happy all the time can we?


From: Mark, S
Date: Friday 30 October 2016 19:39
To: Ed Hunter
CC: Karen, H; Tony, L
Subject: Re: RE: Re: RE: Re: RE: Re: RE: Re: A little perspective

Got something lined up then have you?

I’ll take you to the f**king cleaners if you rip staff or resources out my business!


 

From: Ed Hunter
Date: Friday 30 October 2016 20:35
To: Mark, S
CC: Karen, H; Tony, L, All
Subject: Re: RE: Re: RE: Re: RE: Re: RE: Re: A little perspective

Yeah few things actually.

1. A Beard grooming website.

2. A Sanctuary for Unwanted Recruitment Bears.

3. A Cleaners.

Oh, and…

4. A Pool Hall, for recruiters too unwell to deal with your f**kin nonsense all day.

Shit, replied to all again, by accident. Oh no, wait. It wasn’t – enjoy all.

CATCH YOU BRIGHT AND EARLY MONDAY MORNING.

Please don’t shout mind. I’m on the bears all weekend.

Sorry, beers, not bears.

Any questions, please ask.

Ed.


 

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how to resign to a moron.

And here’s a little perspective, from the desk of Ed Hunter…

If anyone tells you, you can only be ill once you’ve made them money, LEAVE!

Right there and then. On the spot. If you have any doubt over whether that’s right or wrong, publish the email chain on LinkedIn and we’ll conduct a poll.

Yours,

Forever and always,

Ed