Ed Hunter: Alternative Recruitment Phrases

Ah hello there and welcome back to another Ed Hunter article.

You may have noticed I occasionally let the odd expletive shine through on this blog. I shouldn’t, I know.

In fact I regularly receive a verbal slap on the wrists at work for being overly colourful with my language. It’s not that I don’t have a wide vocabulary. Just that I find swearing offers a lot more expression where kinder words fall short.

And I’m not alone.

I’d say most of the Recruiters I’ve ever met use profanities more than they use LinkedIn. And most Recruiters use LinkedIn a lot.

So, without further adieu here’s an alternative glossary of possible replacements to your tried and tested recruitment phrases.


Why not say:

I think it’s back to the drawing board on this one

Rather than: 

The f**king candidate pulled out at the last f**king minute


Why not say:

Looks like we’ve got a bit of a sticky wicket

Rather than: 

The client’s a complete f**king a**ehole, they always f**king do this


Why not say:

Excuse me? Sorry, I didn’t quite catch that…

Rather than:

You f**king what mate?!


Why not say:

Great! This will give me a great opportunity to run through some high-level strategy

Rather than:

Another f**king internal meeting?! You f**king serious?!


Why not say:

I think you’re looking for the accounts department sir, hang on I’ll just put you through

Rather than:

I don’t care about your f**king unpaid invoice mate, I’m Perm


Why not say:

Sorry, would it be possible to discuss this for a moment?

Rather than:

Oi, over here you f**king moron


Why not say:

Oh, you’re new? Great. Let’s see if we can engage your network a little?

Rather than:

PICK UP THE F**KING PHONE!


Why not say:

I’m feeling a touch squiffy today, must have been the chicken. I’ll be back fighting fit tomorrow.

Rather than:

You can stick your f**king  job up your f**king a**e


Why not say:

He might need a bit of training to reach his full potential

Rather than:

He’s f**king useless, I’ll give him a week


Why not say:

Oh right? I didn’t realise that

Rather than:

Well f**k me with the rough end of a Ragman’s trumpet


Why not say:

The software’s a little legacy and could do with a tweak here and there

Rather than:

I’m going to burn this f**king place to the ground if the CRM f**ks me one more time


Why not say:

I was planning on staying late this evening anyway, maybe I’ll do this then?

Rather than:

Who the f**k do you think you are? I already work 11 hours a day


Why not say:

Wow, you’re certainly a seasoned professional. Impressive!

Rather than:

Sorry, when was the last time you actually recruited you ancient a**ehole?


Why not say:

That’s innovative, all the best with your strategy

Rather than:

You haven’t got a f**king clue have you mate?!


Why not say:

I think they’re just taking five minutes personal time

Rather than:

They’ve been sobbing in the sh*tter for the last five minutes


Why not say:

She’s got a lot of gusto

Rather than:

Everyone f**king hates her


Why not say:

I’d say for the salary you’ve advertised you might struggle for the quality you’re looking for

Rather than:

If you pay f**king peanuts you’ll get f**king monkeys


Why not say:

Her business credentials and personality would make her a great culture fit here

Rather than:

Look at that f**king LinkedIn picture. Definitely interviewing her!


Why not say:

Oh fiddlesticks

Rather than:

For f**ks sake


Why not say:

I think I might be a touch short this month, I’m afraid

Rather than:

I haven’t got a f**king pot to p*ss in


Why not say:

I don’t think that would quite align with our pricing model

Rather than:

Not for that f**king price you f**king joker


Why not say:

That sounds like a job for my Resourcer, they’re great and a fundamental part of this business

Rather than:

You don’t have a dog and bark your f**king self, do you?


Why not say:

I’m not sure I’ve been briefed on the intricacies of this project

Rather than:

No f**king interest. It’s not my f**king job


Why not say:

He’s a bit of a renegade with a very individual set of skills

Rather than:

He’s a complete f**king pirate


Why not say:

Wow, recruitment’s really a rollercoaster of emotions isn’t it

Rather than:

If I don’t get the f**k out of here soon I’m going to f**king swan dive off the balcony


Use these lovely sayings and you’ll never have to swear in the office ever again. You’ll look professional, witty and educated.

There’s a small chance no one will understand you, but you’ll be so high brow, you won’t even notice.