Ed Hunter: Accountable

As a Recruiter, I have a fair amount of sh*t to put up with.

Doing my job will naturally put me in the firing line of Candidates. But it’s not just that happy community that wants its pound of flesh. My Clients are also looking for the best deal they can get, for the cheapest price. Usually free.

Luckily, whilst fighting these raging forest fires, I’m in the fortunate position to have the real A-team behind me. A truly amazing Accounts team of four. Tirelessly pulling strings. Making things happen.

Only, when I refer to them as ‘the real A-team’ what I mean is, I’m pretty sure one of them’s dead. One of them just calls me a fool all the time for no reason. One of them blows everything out of proportion and the fourth was hired solely because they’ve got a nice face.

That’s it.

Here’s the recent correspondence with them following my selfish request to have an invoice chased.


 

From: Ed Hunter
Date: Monday 28 August 2017 09.03 am
To: Accounts
Subject: Invoice

Hi guys,

Hope you all had a great weekend. Just following up on from this on Friday.

Gill I know you said you’d chase the invoice on Friday PM, just making sure you don’t want me to do anything? It’s end of month and period on Thursday and I need this to make the incentive so a bit nervous it comes in 🙂

Anyway, let me know.

Thanks,

Ed


From: Accounts
Date: Monday 28 August 2017 10.29 am
To: Hunter, Ed
Subject: RE: Invoice

Ed,

You never need to come and see us. You can do everything via email. There’s then a record of any interaction.

I have told you this previously.

I’l chase the invoice payment as soon as my diary allows and no sooner.

I’d suggest you do something actually constructive like get on the phone.

Gill


From: Ed Hunter
Date: Monday 28 August 2017 10.35 am
To: Accounts
Subject: Re: RE: Invoice

Jill,

Sorry for the delay in my email. I’ve just spat fruit and fibre all over my screen.

I’ll tell you about it later, when I pop in for a chat ‘n a laugh. Just to be clear, you haven’t either sent an email, or called my client?

I’m really happy to do this if you’re too busy teaching Sian the intricacies of the stapler?

Thanks,

Ed


From: Accounts
Date: Monday 28 August 2017 12:51 pm
To: Hunter, Ed
Subject: RE: Re: RE: Invoice

Ed,

DO NOT come into this office to harangue this team about their work. None of us have time to perform individual requests at the whim of the consultants. I DO NOT want to hear about any of Accounts having any interaction with you in person again. We’re not a social club.

YOU, AND THEM, ARE HERE TO WORK. I suggest you remember that.

I’m the Financial Director of this business and will run this team as I see fit.

Gill


 

From: Ed Hunter
Date: Monday 28 August 2017 13.45 pm
To: Accounts
Subject: Re: RE: Re: RE: Invoice

Gull,

I nipped into the office en route to lunch. Have you been to that little Italian place down the road? OMG Gull, the pasta. It just melts your heart. Even a cold, lifeless, hate-filled heart like yours which I can only assume was carved out of the same stone they used to build the Nazi escape tunnels in war-torn Berlin.

Anyway, I would like to point out my ‘haranguing’ constituted of this… “Any news guys?”

That was it. Three words. Said through a smile. Yes, it was a forced smile. Painted on my face momentarily and begrudgingly. It was as real as a clown’s happiness and had the same depth as the puddle of p*ss underneath your scared witless team’s swivel chairs.

I know that ’cause I almost slipped in it as Sian was regaled the classic tail of how she acquired her Meerkat calendar. Again.

I must say, it’s staggering how defensive and accusing you’ve been merely over a simple invoice request. Personal though it may be, you (as a Director of this business) are actually taking minimum 70% of that fee. In reality, I’m doing you a favour by trying to eke out just a tiny bit of productivity from your grossly inept department.

You’re welcome.

I’m calling up the client now. I’ll bet you a Twix I get the invoice paid.


From: Accounts
Date: Monday 28 August 2017 14:33 pm
To: Hunter, Ed
Subject: RE: Re: RE: Re: RE: Invoice

First of all, you rude little shit, my name’s not Gull it’s Gill and I have 30 years more experience in this sector and life than you. I suggest you learn some manners and to respect your elders. Not that I hold much hope given the vast problems with your generation.

There’s no news from my hard working department on your invoice, and there won’t be. When it’s paid I’ll inform your Manager.


 

From: Ed Hunter
Date: Monday 28 August 2017 15.58 pm
To: Accounts
Subject: Re: RE: Re: RE: Re: RE: Invoice

Jug,

I have some bloody good news.

You are soon to be the proud owner of a shiny new Twix.

I got through to the client.

Now, I must point out, it took some effort. I called the number on our system, asked for ‘Accounts’ and they put me straight through. I wouldn’t expect they’d have done that with you because you have the same phone manner as a heavy breathing, muffled serial killer, watching their victim through a frosted window as they twiddle with a 9-inch blade.

The strangest thing happened on the call. They initially apologised it was overdue. Then they said the invoice would be paid today.

They didn’t talk about Meerkats, how much work they had on or (this is the weirdest part) insult me for any reason. Get this. They thanked me for reminding them. It was at this point, I double checked I was on to Accounts.

I was.

Anyway, I’m running off to Tesco to get you a delicious Twix for you and your team’s effort. I’ll make it a Twix Xtra, just cause… well, y’know.

Your fave Consultant, Ed.


From: Accounts
Date: Monday 28 August 2017 16:13 pm
To: Hunter, Ed
Subject: RE: Re: RE: Re: RE: Invoice

If that’s an insinuation about my weight you’ll be in front of a tribunal rather than that beach you’re hoping to see next week.

I don’t want a Twix and I don’t see how Sian’s personal effects are relevant in any way.


 

From: Ed Hunter
Date: Monday 28 August 2017 16.15 pm
To: Accounts
Subject: Re: RE: Re: RE: Re: RE: Invoice

Neither do I but she keeps bringing it up. Honestly, I don’t even really rate Meerkats. The real ones or those annoying Russian ones from the adverts. Do they even have Meerkats in Russia? That whole ad campaign just makes no sense to me.


 

From: Accounts
Date: Monday 28 August 2017 16:45 pm
To: accounts@______.com
Subject: Payment received

Hi,

This is a note to say your payment has been received.

Kind regards,

Gill,

Financial Director


 

From: Ed Hunter
Date: Monday 28 August 2017 16.51 pm
To: Accounts
Subject: Re: Payment received

Gurn,

It’s been emotional. I’m a little teary.

Thanks to your devotion, I’m going on the incentive. Sean’s just told me you’re not able to make it.

I can’t promise I won’t cry at the airport thinking of you here. My only solace will be how much fun I know you have in that broom cupboard barking orders at the poor, unfortunate minions banned from expressing personality by penalty of firing squad.

I will, of course, send you a post card. Do you like the funny nudey ones? Phwoar, who doesn’t? Amirite?!

Ed


 

From: Accounts
Date: Monday 28 August 2017 16:56 pm
To: Hunter, Ed
Subject: RE: Re: Payment received

Why do you insist on getting my name wrong? Do you think you’re funny?

I’ve just thrown that Twix out the window. You’re banned from entering this office for the rest of your tenure and I’ll be forwarding this entire email chain to Sean when he’s back in the office.


 

From: Ed Hunter
Date: Monday 28 August 2017 17.30 pm
To: Accounts
Subject: Re: RE: Re: Payment received

I’ve just reported you to the council for littering. Your cats have got to inherit this earth after you’ve gone. What a sad earth it’ll be if it’s just Twix wrappers and cat shit.

If you need a character witness for your court summons I wouldn’t ask anyone on the Sales floor, I’ve been reading these emails aloud.

Have a good day Gump.