Ed Hunter: A Recruiter’s Guide to Salvation

Everyone hates recruiters.

Even recruiters.

In fact, I’d argue no one hates recruiters more than recruiters. You’re subjected to ‘The Truth’ in an agency. And as bad as our reputations are, the truth’s probably worse.

“The truth will set you free”

Might be a good tagline for the Bible, but it’s not going to win you any friends in this industry. Imagine publicising just how illicit and underhanded your boss actually is.

Recruiters’ reputations make us easy to hate. We’re easy to blame. Easy to tarnish as the cause of life’s problems. We’re the Boogeymen of the professional landscape.

Only, let’s be honest, we’re nowhere near as bad as people think we are.

So today, in case you’re tempted to revert to type. To actually do all of the terrible things people expect of you, I’d like to offer some alternatives.

Substitute leisure time activities that will repair your reputation in the outside world.

Here’s my Recruiter’s guide to salvation…

1) Instead of drowning kittens, why not read a book?

There’s a certain finality to drowning a kitten. There’s no rebate. No counter offer. And no shitty retort on LinkedIn. Whack ‘em in a bag. Throw ‘em in a river. And it’s Goodnight Seattle.

Plus, you can take all your anger out on the world, calmly de-stressing as their icy meows drift off into the night.

“Getting caught reading is better for your image”

Reading a book will give you extra ammo online, to all those people who despise your every waking minute.

You can think of really witty comebacks for LinkedIn. And prove you’re better than all those horrid people who smirk at the demise of a defenceless animal.

2) Instead of burning down an Old People’s Home, why not bake a cake?

Old people love to hate anyone younger.

“Youth is wasted on the young” they say. Which is why if you fall foul of being both a Recruiter AND a Millennial, you’re probably the worst person alive.

Unleashing a petrol can and open flame within 50 yards of the nation’s pride is likely to even the odds. But you’re just reaffirming their negative opinion.

“You’re more worthy of affection if you can make a strudel”

10 years ago, if I’d told you Z-list celebrities would be crying on TV because they couldn’t get a meringue to set, you’d have laughed in my face.

And yet, being able to bake a cake, now means you’re a decent human being. So put that match down and listen up. Work on your Apple Turnovers and you’re well on the way to winning friends and influencing people.

3) Instead of waving money in front of the homeless, why not try jogging?

Recruiters are all money hungry leeches. Everyone knows that. It’s why you fell in love with the job in the first place. Surrounded by other scoundrels, tip-toeing around the neighbourhood, masked, in a stripy jumper. And a swag bag full to the brim of stolen employees.

Ready to sell to the highest bidder.

Instead of running your mouth, why not try just running?

Runners tend to be smug, sanctimonious and completely up their own arses. They’re utterly despairing of anyone on earth who doesn’t like running. But for some reason, people hate runners less than recruiters.

Despite the overwhelming evidence the latter do more for the world than the former. Repair your broken reputation by doing something purely for yourself. The more you brag. The better you are.

“Sneaky 10k at lunch. Rrrggghh… 2 mins off by PB. Don’t you hate that? What? You don’t run?”

 4) Instead of robbing old ladies, why not do a tough mudder?

Let’s face it, working in recruitment means you’re all about the Benjamins. It means you forgo having adult relationships, or a career your parents can be proud of in favour of a quick buck.

Except it’s quite literally never quick. Oh you can earn some decent cash, sure. But it’s not quick cash. Nowhere near as quick as mugging an old lady in the street. That’s lightening.

And the benefit there is, you’ll still have a more favourable rep than a recruiter.

But wait, isn’t there a less personal way of robbing people blind?

You’re damn right there is.

Tough Mudder.

Quick explanation: You arse around in the mud. For fun. With your mates. And people, for some reason, pay you to do it. You might even have enough left over to give something to charity.

Steer clear of anything relating to old people, and you’ll stick it to them, without literally robbing them.


5) Instead of driving a car into an Orphanage, why not try Needlework?

Bored of taking daily kicks to the jaffers because you’re from a certain generation? Simply do what’s been done before. Ignore the hatred and claim the next generation are even worse. It’s worked for everyone so far?

Or, you could do something more aligned to a recruiter’s reputation. Rev that engine, and drive straight through a load-bearing wall of an orphanage.

“I believe that children are our future. Apart from Millennials.”

But, think of your reputation. It’s already caked in mud. So as you sit there, getting angrier and angrier, clenching the wheel, feeling the purr of the exhaust revving up your soul, take a breath.

Pick up the stitchwork and do a nice pattern instead. Then you can moan to your heart’s content, knowing you’re aligning yourself to the true heroes of this world. Old people.

 And there you have it. You can now safely say you’re one of the better ones out there.

You could even come up with a really nice testimonial for LinkedIn that someone definitely said about you.

Or not. Whatever. 

Keep on keepin’ on.