A lot of people wonder who the person is, behind the mask. It’s Mitch Sullivan, they muse. It’s definitely him. Well, to put that to bed, I’m afraid to say I’m not Mitch. I don’t swear anywhere near f**king enough for that to be true.
Maybe it’s the top biller from your company? Y’know… the one who’s always moaning they’re going to lose all their contractors and only bill £700k this year.
Trouble is, I’m literate. So it’s definitely not them.
“Who the f**k do you think you are?” people snap on the tube.
“Who the hell are you to be ranting all day, like you’re better than me?!” wince keyboard warriors.
“Sorry do I know you?” probe women at bus stops.
Well, this is who I am. I’m Ed Hunter.
Recruiter. Dreamweaver. Son of an Aquarius. Master Forger.
I’m a strong-minded, money hungry, recruitment machine that fires on all cylinders, and often, for no reason at all.
My ability to single out individuals to be in my company, based on looks alone, was cultivated by my first success in the sporting realm. Top billers when you’re 7 year’s old are defined by those in possession of ‘the ball’. I haven’t dropped the ball since. Nor, my penchant for a decent analogy.
I’ve recruited a great deal more from that moment on.
– Fun around the office –
Every morning I ask the dog “the usual?” before pouring his food into his bowl. He barely laughs any more, but it cheers up a potentially dreary situation. Perfect for office sterility.
– Good listener –
I have a minion that takes notes for me. Meaning I never have to actively listen myself. This means I’m extremely good at feigning interest, no matter how mundane the subject. This makes people feel special and ‘heard’ in business meetings. Let me make you feel special.
– Great networker –
If I’ve not slept with them, I know someone who has. Through my tireless efforts to go the extra mile, I’ve pissed most of my commission up the wall. Meaning I’ve ‘networked’ a lot. I still allow half of them to follow me on Instagram.
– Works well in a team –
I douse tennis balls in petrol, light them and throw them at random around the room, telling people to “lighten up”. Little thing called morale. If that doesn’t work… performance review.
– Inspirational Leader –
A leader of men. A leader of women. A leader of wolves. I can lead a horse to water. Then charge a fee for the introduction.
– Multi-lingual –
I speak multiple languages fluently: English; Recruitment Hyperbole; Expletives; Memes; Millennials; and a touch of French when I’m un peu pissed.
– Innovator –
Thought of the idea for Deliveroo before they did.
Date: 2002 – 2005
Position: Grad Rec Con Artist
The 4 R’s at this company formed the basis of everything we did. Recruitin; Retainin; Ruckin; Rinsin. No one pronounced the g’s and they weren’t written down anywhere. Everything was sold en masse. Whether people wanted the wares or not. I was promised I’d earn a fortune, despite the lack of anyone earning said fortune.
Acknowledgeable Awards: Completed the 4 C’s. Smashed ‘Industry Leading’ Training Programme in record time. Learnt 5 phone numbers that get stuck on Voicemail loop, off by heart. Talked colleague down off the roof.
Reason for leaving: Told Boss he “didn’t have the minerals” whilst he was on the roof
Date: 2005 – 2008
Company: Dick Waters
Position: Head of Cons
After the shitshow of R4 I decided to go to a nice agency. One that said it cared about its clients and treated candidates like family. The royal family. Their company values were: Integrity, Honesty, Expertise. I got a Golden Handshake for stealing the database from R4 which they used to spam the market using [First Name Technology], the first agency to add the personal touch to recruitment. The golden age of contingency. I was targeted with sending 5 e-shots a week.
Acknowledgeable Awards: Received ‘Magician Award’ at EOY bash for ability to turn Thursday drinks into Friday morning. Honed creative writing talent during sick note fabrication.
Reason for leaving: Had to be talked down off the roof
Date: 2009 – 2014
Company: DWYW Ltd
Position: Con Man (Consultant/Manager)
After the DW episode I realised I wasn’t comfortable pretending to be nice all the time. I needed a job that would let me show my true colours. So, I stayed in recruitment. Do What You Want (DWYW) Ltd let me work from home three days a week minimising my contact with people. Placed 6 Contractors in first month and just dined out on those for ages. Defined course material for new book ‘The 3 Hour Work Week’.
Acknowledgeable Awards: Fit 5 days work into 2, carried company on my ample shoulders, only made someone cry twice
Reason for leaving: Made HR Director cry
Date: 2014 – Present
Company: Get Rec’d
Put all my experience into a business with my only friends who weren’t tw*ts and didn’t mind not drinking every day. That left me and one friend. I had a restrictive covenant for the first 12 months but just told my team who to contact and we smashed it. We did have an office dog, but he died so we stuffed him and hung him on the wall as a reminder that form’s temporary.
Chartered Institute of Drinking (Hons)
Modules: Drinking 101; Advanced Drinking; Working on Hangovers; Dealing with disappointment; A brief history of bluffing; Guest Lists and Me; No means Maybe; Undercutting with Integrity; I Am Your Contingency; Nopot Topissin’s Budget Management; Economic Disasters of the 21st Century.
Hobbies and Interests: I have my own trumpet, which I blow regularly. Keen interest in the bugle.
References: in 97% of cases I have a stat to prove I’m right, rendering references obsolete.
Awards and Recognition: I’ve defined the culture and been Top Biller at 4 recruitment agencies that have won ‘Best Company to Work For’. Making me the Number 1 Best Employee in fake awards, ever.
I May Already Be a Winner of Reader’s Digest Mail Competition from 2002.
9 fold accumulator in 2016
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