Recruitment’s a funny old game. Sometimes you think you’re trapped in this job. The wall’s close in. Quicker than that scene in Star Wars where the strange one eyed monster keeps appearing out the water. The slightest show of nerves and it grabs you by the foot, pulling you under.
Everyone else screams of course, but you’re already dead. Drowned probably. Or eaten.
Either way, they’re not screaming because you’re gone. They’re screaming because they could be next.
Anyway, I digress. Recruitment’s a funny old game.
And luckily I offered some advice for any recruiter wanting a change of scenery a few years ago. But this article’s not that. That article’s for anyone wanting to leave the game. Which, knowing how bad the stigma is, will be no one. Want to get talked about behind your back and be called a ‘failed recruiter’? Nah, me neither. So this is me for life now.
This article simply contains jobs which are a bit like recruitment. None of which you’ll want to explore.
Because… deep down, you love Recruitment. Right?
For any football fans, I don’t need to explain this analogy.
If you don’t like football, and can’t think of anything worse… you and the San Marino team have that in common.
Created in 1990, they’ve played hundreds and hundreds of games against many different nations. They’ve won once. They don’t really score. They probably hate doing their job. Their defence is non-existent. And they concede lots. Every single game. They average 6 goals against per game. But that’s not necessarily the Keeper’s fault.
He’s just doing his best. He’s got sh*t team mates. A sh*t Manager. A sh*t precedent to follow. A sh*t training regime. A sh*t history. A sh*t future.
Only, he’s an Accountant for his ‘other job’. AND he’s represented his country. What have you ever done?!
Suitable for: 360 contingency recruiters or anyone that’s used to missing a lot of opportunity.
You might think on first analysis being a paper boy’s a nice gig.
Firstly, if you live where I live, it constantly pisses it down. And it’s not America. We don’t have little plastic bags to protect the paper. So a black inky paste stains both your hands and clothes. Like being branded at a cattle farm.
Every other f**ker then knows you’re a paper boy. Even when you aren’t delivering the b*stards.
Also, you know what people like with papers? Leaflets. Ooohhhhh yeah. Lots of irrelevant leaflets. I’m sure my local news agent has a large part to play in the cutting down of the world’s rainforests.
Even if you obtained super human strength in order to carry these book-thick, heavy laden sods, you’d need divine intervention to fold the f**kers and get them through someone’s letter box. Which are, by modern standards, nowhere near big enough for a standard paper.
So, you thumb it in. Squeeze it through by any means necessary.
What happens? It rips. It’s completely unreadable.
You try and leg it, but, obviously, can’t pick up the papers quick enough. So you get an earful from the customer. An earful! For delivering something more awkward than a box of f**king frogs and heavier than your average African Elephant.
Also, do you know how most people read news now?
ONLINE! Not from a paper. So, along with disdain for simply trying to do a good job. You’re completely and utterly irrelevant in today’s society.
Still. The fresh air’s nice.
Suitable for: Anyone who still prefers paper CVs
Carny folk. Are there any worse folk? That’s rhetorical. There aren’t.
Want to be bullied? For a small fortune? Want to feel like a d*ckhead for trying to have a good time, while equally unsafe? Go to a carnival. Your scrape with death will ultimately only be levelled off by listening to someone BLARE Britney Spears without irony, shouting over the song, down a microphone.
Everyone hates carny folk.
But if you want to see the lights you have to put up with them.
And just as you think you’re enjoying yourself, they push the ride faster still. Just to make sure you’re definitely throwing up as you get off. It’s OK though. You’ve already paid. These recruiters don’t work on contingency. They’re far too clever for that sh*t.
Suitable for: Whoever runs the Grad intake
Can’t get a normal job? Want to earn great OTE on the side? Not fit for mainstream society? Feel like you’d be good exercising phoney authority on others in every day life? You, could be an Exam Invigilator.
No experience necessary other than being able to hear, reel off practiced quotes and walk, for no reason.
Like… every recruiter I’ve ever seen.
Somewhere in a Recruiter/Invigilator’s brain, a gun goes off at the start of a phone call/exam.
BANG. And they’re off. Walking. For no reason whatsoever.
Suitable for: Team Leaders
If you’re like me, you have utmost respect for those in the military. I’ll gladly thank anyone for their service. And go out of my way to do so. Those who’ve fought for our freedom deserve our respect.
Which is the one thing fighting on the front line and being a recruiter doesn’t have in common. Respect.
In every other way it’s similar. Only this war’s grossly unfair. You’re holding a spear. They’ve got attack drones. You’re attacked constantly. From every angle.
You could always dig a trench I suppose? It’ll save someone else having to dig it after you’re dead.
Suitable for: Anyone who’s not done a deal this month
You might think ‘Tea Boy’ (like Paper Boy) is sexist. And it is. But Tea Person just doesn’t have the same derogatory ring to it.
How’s being a Recruiter like being a tea boy? Because when you start in recruitment, you’re the tea boy. Until you prove yourself. Which you never will, because you’re just a tea boy.
This is a real conversation I overheard a while back:
Manager: “For f**ks sake mate, how many times? I don’t take sugar! If I drink tea with sugar in it one more time you’ll be demoted so fast it’ll make your head spin.”
Resourcer: “Demoted to what? I’m already the Tea Boy.”
Manager: “I dunno, Tea Girl?”
Resourcer: *writes down tea girl*
Manager: Why have you written down Tea Girl? Right, f*ck it. You’re now the Tea Girl. Why are you writing this? Stop writing!
Neither work in recruitment any more. But, you get my point.
Suitable for: Office Tea Boys (and Girls)
This, in fairness, isn’t like being a Recruiter. But, it is very much like being a Recruitment Manager.
You know very well what all of these devices do. Have you used them yourself? Oh God NO! But you’ve seen them being used. They look awful.
Someone a bit late? Stretch them out with some nice KPIs. Someone got a bit of a headache? Increase the phone times. Oh you’ve got a bad back? Power hour!
Suitable for: Managers or aspiring Directors. So, Managers.
Thanks for stop by Recruiters.
Thanks. For stopping by.
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