The job of a Recruitment Consultant means spotting opportunities. Spotting opportunities and filing them mercilessly with people. If you do your job well, the people on both sides of the fence are grateful.
It is therefore with a sense of optimism and mischief that I, Ed Hunter, look ahead to 2017. Yes, the world as we know it might implode, but if we can fill the odd vacancy before now and then, at least our houses made of solid gold will make our endings quick and painless.
This article is with you, the reader, in mind. Never let it be said that I’m self-serving. Below I’ve highlighted some opportunities for YOU to take advantage of.
Spec a CV in to these jobs and you’ll start the year just swimmingly.
An entry level role is available for a Cyber Security specialist. An understanding of basic Russian is appreciated but not a necessity. Sense of humour is a must however, along with flimsy morals. Full training to the expected level is possible as the entire fledgling team will be learning on the job. Note: This organisation is an equal opportunities employer (as long as you have the correct surname or contacts).
‘Resumes’ to email@example.com
PR is a tricky job, especially for someone that revels in wind ups. This opportunity is perfect for a senior level PR Executive who’s previously managed tumultuous campaigns. Would suit washed-up, ex-politicians or lawyers, after ‘one last shot’. Must like water sports and be able to trace heritage back to the first landing of white europeans on US shores, no further.
If you can “sell ice to an inuit” and believe their insatiable desire for cold drinks is the reason for global warming, apply here.
If you’ve previously worked in the Samsung Design team on their Mobile products we want to hear from you. We have a hands-on Team Lead whose passion for a job well-done is world renowned. Benefit from military precision appraisals, being on the front line of tech and a Manager who never loses his head. Hang, in our ‘break-out rooms’ on your annual hour off and let your hair down in one of our regular sporting competitions… alongside the world’s best (event irrelevant).
Note: Must work well under pressure.
Benefits: Relocation assistance, generous pension. No life assurance provided.
Contractors are required for a four year, long term contract. If you’re an artist or painter with a penchant for aggressive, socio-economic slogans and a thorough grasp of Spanish, we’ve got the project for you. A clean slate is currently being created, and we need artists to fill it.
A generous, anonymous donor has graciously put forward plans to assist the Mexican art revolution in its cultural progression. Put yourself on the front line of an art movement.
Note: Must like dogs and be light on feet. Long commute may be necessary in places.
An opportunity has arisen for red and green button operators on an overly appreciated, under funded rail network. We’re looking trained monkeys. Not just any monkeys however, you MUST know the difference between Go and Stop (‘semi-trained’ monkeys looking for a challenge may also apply).
Note: Ability to speak in more than a hushed grunt will add pizzazz to this already varied and exciting role.
A new role has been created for a Reader of fake news and media. You must have a sarcastic tone and/or be incredibly gullible to apply for this position. We need every story about the most unlikely of events to sound genuine. If you’re one of those lucky people who believes everything they read, and count the Daily Mail as one of your main sources, we want to hear from you.
Do you want to be first to break a story? Are you willing to never let the truth get in the way of a great yarn? Apply here.
Celebrities of the world are dying at an alarming rate, and we need your help. Unwritten wills and unappropriated royalties are currently adding to existing sadness. Help us to protect those most vulnerable.
Note: You must have experience that errs towards B-list or higher. Help the world to see Planet Earth 3, more Game of Thrones and every half finished album currently in process.
There’s been an invasion of legal aliens to the workforce that’s ripped through existing office culture like an airborne disease. A collective group of individuals that all think in emojis, are glued to their i-watches and think Snapchat is a viable method of work appraisal. Communication with this new breed of human is sought by a plucky and adventurous Generation Y.
Note: Must be fluent in emojis. Dress down available (only on Fridays). Salary paid in Bitcoin.
Driverless cars are the future. You may as well get used to it. The only problem is, the software’s slightly behind the excitement to get the products on the road. Therefore we require remote drivers to bridge the gap, until the software catches up. Must have proficiency on GTA5 or later (either PS3/4 or Xbox accepted).
If you’re an Uber Driver that’s been fired for incompetence, help us to increase our safety standards. Apply here.
Polls are forecasts of major world events (normally political) that foretell the voting and outcome for life-changing moments. The current team just aren’t even trying anymore. Position would suit out of work UK weather forecasters.
Are you able to get over 50% precision on ‘heads or tails’? Have you ever guessed which hand something is in? Or… do you have access to a magic 8 ball?
If so, we want to hear from you. Apply here.
Look… I’m not bitter, I’m just saying… an opportunity may exist for someone here.
Note: Must have appreciation of high-brow humour, puns and recruitment based tomfoolery.
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