I’ve had a few questions come in to me recently. I guess we’re all pretty worried.
What kind of world will we return to?
Will there be an industry left?
It’s been 84 years since March and things have changed a touch.
The hushed rumours circulating amongst Real Estate folk that “Recruiters started the virus just so they work from home” seem to have quietened.
Then again, as most bosses quickly banished 85% of their workforce to ‘layaway’, it probably never held much muster.
I know many of you were pissing yourselves with excitement at the furlough agreement. Maybe it meant we finally had a government that’d step up…
Your enthusiasm might have waned a touch since.
Ever since Boris’s ‘Baffle of Britain’ confused the nation and the Government’s rather risky, but mandatory eye-tests came under scrutiny, it’s probably raised more questions than answers.
So in lieu of Government advice, I thought I’d try and step up.
“What’s next Ed?” Writes Tumi in Chippenham.
“What should I be crying about right now?” Says Charlie in Essex.
“Is there worse news coming?” Panics Akim in Chiselhurst.
Well here’s some good news for you… some time, in the not-too-distant future, life will return.
So stop sobbing in to your cornflakes; slow down your day drinking for a while and let me guide you into the future.
Here are some answers to your burning questions…
What’s going to change when we come back to work?
The first thing you can wave goodbye to is your Manager’s coffee breath pouring over you.
Not so long ago, the odour emanating from your overly oppressive Manager would strip the paint from your headset and make you regret not listening in school.
In the future, you may not even be in the same city.
And even if it’s not your manager you hate, I guarantee there’s one person in your office you find abhorrent.
Well OK, you probably still will, but imagine never seeing them again.
There you go, settled your nerves?
What will offices be like?
Offices, will of course, still exist.
You could almost taste the tears of Micromanagers in the London water supply when the lockdown started.
And they’ll be itching to have you within ear-shot once again when this is done.
But it will be different.
For a start, those really shit desk partitions recruitment companies love will likely confine you to your desk… and extend from floor-to-ceiling.
This is either good or bad news, depending where you work.
If you work somewhere half decent, they might fork out for see-through walls. Rejoice in your new glass cage of emotion.
If you work somewhere shit, they’ll probably just use redundant Meeting Folders papered together with old CVs.
Any company advertising ‘Vegas Incentives’ are probably just removing clocks, pumping in oxygen and conducting appraisals on a red or black system.
Black you stay, Red you’re gone.
Will I still have to wear a suit?
If you work for someone draconian enough to insist on you wearing a suit sat at your desk, then a little worldwide pandemic isn’t going to change that.
Video meetings will continue to be a mainstay of your life though, so do away with the trousers and silently rage against the machine from home.
Should you return to the office, your 1m sq. cubicle is yours to make your own.
Fill it with your musky odour and you’re less likely to get a virus from cross contamination.
Why not chart your escape on the wall, like ‘lifer’ prisoners would.
If it’s snazzy and see-through, you’ve also now got a new medium for insulting colleagues and senior management.
Ed I’m worried about leaving my beloved at home, when I return to work
(Rodrigo, Little Hampton)
I replied back to this person (last name redacted for privacy reasons) and it became obvious he meant his dog, not his wife or kids.
Not long ago, if you’d asked to bring your dog into the office you’d have been sectioned.
Now it’s all the rage.
But it’ll get even better.
In the future, your pets can become an extension of you.
Why not train your dog to bring your 9am Vodka from the kitchen?
Have your parrot answer your Manager’s queries?
“Back to basics, back to basics”
There really is no limit to your recruitment ability if you’re a friend of the animals.
How will recruitment change, Ed?
Well for starters Jo the age-old rejection of ‘not the right culture fit’ is dead in the water.
Most companies will, at least initially, be working remotely where possible.
…Due wholeheartedly to their reluctance to pay for office space, rather than staff safety…
But because of that, no one’s going to care if you send a candidate with terrible B.O.
Frankly, no one will realise.
Your candidate might spend their weekends beating up kittens, as long as they can do the job, they’re getting hired.
What’s the best way to BD now?
Still in business? Good news, that’ll soon be enough to smash BD… if you choose the right sector.
It’d actually be a damn smart time to start up on your own Kirsty. Just think of turning the tables of micromanagement on a new Graduate intake. Sounds dreamy doesn’t it.
And depending on how spacious your see-through cube is, you might consider it sooner than later.
Of course, there’s nothing to stop you doing sweet F/A until this dies down, providing your cube’s private.
One BD Call = One episode on Netflix.
If your boss is willing to risk life and limb to stop you, fair play.
This also applies to working from home. Netflix and Bill is so money. And you can use the excuse as a limit to your success.
“Imagine what I’d bill if I took this job seriously, like you mate”