This is going to shock a few people but I’m not the most tolerant when it comes to general ignorance. There are those who struggle with learning and I’d never take the p*ss out of them.
That’s not what this article’s about.
This article’s about those who can’t be bothered to learn. The lazy. The ignorant. The wilfully stupid.
And they drive me mad.
I’m plagued by these people. They find me wherever I go. On planes. Trains and Automobiles. When the new seating plan’s arranged at work you can guarantee I’m sat next to one.
This thing is, I can deal with stupidity. I’m familiar with it. I expect it.
It’s ignorance I can’t stand.
People who are fine sounding like morons. Even though they’re not. Isn’t that worse? Someone having the intelligence to pronounce words correctly, but not bothering to because they can’t be arsed.
Here are some things I’ve heard recently.
“For all intensive purposes”
Someone told me about this incorrect pronunciation recently and I now can’t believe how often I hear it.
It’s “all intents and purposes”. As in, for all intents and purposes if you say intensive on the phone to a client, no one will care what else you say.
Let’s iron this one out. You can say spoon. So you don’t struggle with ‘sp’…
And, you can say pacifically, apparently.
Now, carefully, put them together. Say it slowly five times in a row… and look at that. You’re not an idiot any more.
If you’re on the phone to a client and say pacifically, it’s likely they’ll hang up. If you’re on the phone to a foreign candidate, they’ll think you’re talking about an ocean.
In recruitment you need to work fast.
So espressos make a lot of sense first thing in the morning.
An espresso’s quick to make, quick to drink, and makes you quicker. An expresso sounds quick but is a made up word. Do NOT ask for expresso when closing a deal in Starbucks. They’ll think you want to wrap it up.
An Escape goat
A scapegoat is someone who takes wrongful blame. An escape goat is a goat that likes to escape.
However, it’s important to note, these two were actually the same thing, once. Sure, it was some time B.C. with the translation of the Bible. But nowadays, they’re two different things.
A recruitment scapegoat is normally whoever was fired last. Forgotten to update the database? Latest forecast looking wildly off the mark? Blame your recent escapee. Everyone’s already forgotten their name anyway.
A damp squid
Fun fact: all squids are damp. Even if they’re no longer in the sea and about to be eaten. A damp squib in recruitment is when you forecast four massive deals and none of them come in.
A damp squid almost certainly has more intelligence than you, if you don’t know what a damp squib is.
Let me make this perfectly clear…
Saying F’s where Th’s reside makes you sound like a complete thucking idiot. It’s not cool. You don’t sound street. You sound like a toddler.
It’s called Th-Fronting and happens ALL THE TIME. You hear f’s or occasionally v’s in place of th’s.
You: “Yeah I’ve found you free candidates”
Client: “Oh, great news. I’ll take that as a legally binding verbal contract and never pay you. Thanks a lot.”
“I just need to ax them”
Do NOT ax someone in a recruitment office. In fact don’t do it in any kind of office.
It won’t go down well.
And if you do feel the need to ax someone, for the love of god ask them first.
“I bought my kids into work”
Hopefully, you didn’t offload your kids to the highest bidder. Then again, you’re a recruiter, it’s tough not to take your work home with you.
But mixing up bought and brought can get you into a lot of trouble in this game.
If you tell a client you’ve bought some HOT candidates for them to cast their eye over, you’re going to sound like a pimp.
Not in a good way.
I’m going to point out something obvious in this one.
This is only a sentence if you’re cheering on the toilet.
You don’t ‘go toilet’. Nor do you ‘go London’. Or town. Or work. Or anywhere without the words ‘to’ and occasionally ‘the’ thrown in.
It takes about 0.01 seconds to say to. Do it.
“I seen the client last week”
There’s absolutely no way anyone can think this is correct?
You saw them. They were seen.
“They’re a generally really good candidate”
What are they like the rest of the time? Or do you mean genuinely?
You genuinely have no idea, do you?
I have the utmost respect for anyone who’s decided recruitment’s the career for them.
All except those who say upmost when they mean utmost.
Those guys are idiots.
Regardless? Yep, that’s a word.
Irrespective? Also a word.
Irregardless? Not a word… regardless or irrespective of how many times you say it.
With do respect
You’re due a kicking if you pronounce due as do.
Or… or… you’re an American.
Americans say both due and dew as do.
But they don’t say hue as who. Funny old world isn’t it.
Many people say E.T.C when vocalising the word et cetera.
But this has to rank as one of the most stupidly mis-pronounced words out there. Why? Because you know it’s spelled etc.
Therefore et cetera. Not Eck. Even if you’re from Yorkshire.
Supposedly, this is a Joey from Friends classic. A character famed for being an imbecile.
Does that stop people doing it? No.
No it doesn’t.
I dun it
I once asked my Resourcer whether he’d sent a candidate across yet. This was his response:
“I dun his CV yesterday, I’m gonna send him today”
Dun his CV. He dun his CV.
Do you mean did? I asked…
“Yeah, you know. Like changed it to Arial 10 n that.”
He’s no longer with us.
He’s not dead, he just dun moved on.
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