Ed Hunter: A Pointless Battle of Wit

Sometimes I have to think about what to write on these blogs. Other times, things happen to me in my every day recruitment life that make it an easy job. Things like receiving a fax, inviting me to tender for a PSL renewal. Any other time, that wouldn’t be too unusual.

But, when the request comes from a client that never paid their invoice and refuses to discuss the situation to the point of being outright rude, I view it as open season.

Below is the fax and email chain that ensued.

Enjoy.

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From: Ed Hunter
Date: Tuesday 1 May 2017 10.23am
To: Geoff, L
Subject: PSL Tender

Dear Demander,

Thanks for your fax sent on Friday of last week. I picked it up just a moment ago. I thought the fax machine was an antique, so my surprise to find your letter, was palpable. Once I realised this meant there was another fax machine still in existence and actually being used I almost fell off my chair.

Typically, I’ll check my mail trays from ravens on a Monday, fax machines on Tuesdays and anything from dragons on Wednesdays, assuming it’s not been burnt, which irritates me to say is normally the case.

I actually did place a candidate with your fair organisation last year.

In order to make this placement I had to go through 4 years of psychic training, complete a bolt-on exam in guesswork and apply a fair amount of luck. The last point in all of that pleased me the most, as I’m not normally that lucky. The last time I won an accumulator was 2006. £369.23 from a £2 punt. Pretty snazzy, I’m sure you’ll agree.

Anyway, please let me know which form of communication you’d like my response to the PSL tender, as my dragon’s having some work done on a faulty ignition.

Scornfully Yours,

Ed


 

From: Geoff, L.
Date: Tuesday 1 May 2017 12.47pm
To: Hunter, Ed
Subject: Re: PSL Tender

Dear Ed,

Thanks for your email.

I can assume from your response you’d rather not pitch to be a continued supplier to us next year and will take your name from the list.

Furthermore, rest assured I’ll be blacklisting your agency from any further engagement.

Regards,

Geoff.


 

From: Ed Hunter
Date: Tuesday 1 May 2017 14.51pm
To: Geoff, L
Subject: Re: Re: PSL Tender

Hi Jeff,

They say you should never assume, as it makes an ‘ass out of u and me’. That said, in this case your assumption is correct. Placing the candidate with you last year took me roughly 20 hours of work. In fairness I can’t think of anything I’d rather be doing with that time, other than working for free, for a company that doesn’t view recruitment invoices as ‘worth paying’.

Actually, no… wait, I can, there are about three hundred. I’ve jotted them down, let me know if you’d like the list.

The hours I spent filling your vacancy was at the cost of many other roles I could have worked on. Roles which would have allowed contact with the line manager. Roles where job offers didn’t come via fax. Roles where HR were cordial and consultative. Roles where payment was made on time. Roles where payment was made full stop. Roles where I wasn’t hung up on as first course from your ‘gatekeeper’ – which is, by the way, how Recruiters refer to the ill-trained Rottweiler you employ to snarl, unnecessarily, down the phone.

Please let me know what perks I can garner from being on ‘the blacklist’. It sounds intriguing? Am I upgraded to raven mail? Do you include my name on faxes?

Warmest regards,

Ed

Ps. The candidate I placed left after 8 months due to a severe lack of direction from Management. I placed them with your competitor. Who paid me. On time.


 

From: Geoff, L.
Date: Tuesday 2 May 2017 10.01am
To: Hunter, Ed
Subject: Re: Re: Re: PSL Tender

Ed,

Despite joining the TA team here in January last year I fail to recall this placement, and don’t take kindly to the tone of the email.

Fax remains a valid form of communication and we don’t allow line contact as it would cause mayhem if every agent we deal with was constantly talking to our Management.

Kath on reception is 23 years time served with the business and has utmost authority to deal with people like you as she feels fit.

Geoff


 

From: Ed Hunter
Date: Tuesday 1 May 2017 18.35pm
To: Geoff, L
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: PSL Tender

Dearest Jif,

My mother always told me I was special, so I fail to see who else you could know that’s ‘like me’.

Similarly, after your refusal to pay our invoice last year, subsequent lack of decency to call me back, or failure to assist the candidate I placed in any way after his placement, your fax actually made me laugh out loud. So thanks for that.

I initially thought about framing it. I thought better of that though and it’s currently mopping up spilled coffee under my ‘hang in there’ kitten mug. It’s not my mug in fairness, I stole it from Beth one morning and now use it all the time as she doesn’t work here any more. I think she went travelling actually.

By the way, if you’d let me speak to your Management at the time you may not be losing new staff to your direct competition. Who by the way don’t make Recruiters dance to the tune of their own inflated egos. Nor do they employ parrots in HR who’ve only been taught the phrase ‘12.5%’.

Ed

Ps. I think your raven’s sat nav is broken as he’s still not shown up with my fee.


 

From: Geoff, L.
Date: Wednesday 3 May 2017 11.54am
To: Hunter, Ed
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: PSL Tender

Ed,

Coming from a recruitment background, I know full well how recruitment is done.

Your paid handsomely to fulfil our staffing needs. I don’t see how this conversation is a) conducive to my day or b) getting either of us anywhere.

Please don’t email me again.


 

From: Ed Hunter
Date: Thursday 4 May 2017 10.21pm
To: Geoff, L
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: PSL Tender

My dear Gurfff,

Sorry for the late reply, I’ve been playing on my new boat I afforded with the £257 commission from placing with you last year. Only, because you didn’t pay the invoice, it’s an imaginary boat, which, as a result of lacking fortifications got attacked by pirates next to the office water cooler.

By the way it’s you’re* not your.

Also, after checking your LinkedIn profile I see you worked in recruitment. For 5 months. Please let me know when your Recruitment Training Seminar starts as it sounds like something I won’t want to miss.

Love,

Ed


 

From: Geoff, L.
Date: Thursday 4 May 2017 12.13pm
To: Hunter, Ed
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: PSL Tender

Stop emailing me or I’ll report you.


 

From: Ed Hunter
Date: Thursday 4 May 2017 12.23pm
To: Geoff, L
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: PSL Tender

Can you please highlight the unpaid invoice when you do, I’ve just checked my boat catalogue, and it looks like I’ll be needing that commission if I want the gold plated taps in the bathroom.

Ps. thanks for the raven, I did send him back but it appears he prefers our office to your career graveyard. I’ve called him Rudy and been teaching him neat tricks like sarcastic crowing and following OAPs round Tescos.

Yours thoughtfully,

Ed x


 

 

From: Geoff, L.
Date: Thursday 4 May 2017 12.38pm
To: Hunter, Ed
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: PSL Tender

I’m 100% serious. Do not email me again.


 

 

From: Rudy the Raven
Date: Thursday 4 May 2017 12.46pm
To: Geoff, L
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: PSL Tender

This is Rudy, pay Ed. Or the sarcastic crowing starts outside your window at 4am tomorrow.

*Sqwarrrrrk*

 

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